Premortal Perspective

So, the slump that usually comes after a visit to the Hansens finally came after my last entry. It had been creeping up on me, without me being fully aware, in the form of an idleness that once recognized could not be shaken off. I have not done much except drive as far as productive work towards my goals. I lose a lot of perspective in these times and absurd justifications surface. Like, just as an example, I have sworn off watching R-rated films. A Prophet has told us not to partake in them and even though some films are rated R simply for a bit of violence or a dark theme, the great majority of them are rated R for gratuitously immoral content. Besides, I’m not going to quibble about “how much” rated-R is ok when we’ve simply been advised by the Lord that it does not invite the Spirit.

However…I found within the past month or so, I’ve been watching my favorite movie reviewers on Youtube, who make no such stipulations on their own viewing content, and vicariously living through their experiences of watching films that I would have been interested in had I not “committed” to this standard. Movies like the upcoming remake of It, Get Out, and A Cure for Wellness, which are all not only rated-R but do not involve subject matter inviting to the Spirit. I justified it as “ok” because my favorite reviewer Grace Randolph does not show too many graphic clips from the films but talks enough about the movies in detail in her spoiler reviews that it is sort of like watching the movie without actually watching it. I don’t know why I thought this would be ok, but along with this and my tendency to slow down in progress when I am on my own, I realized there is a bit of a chink in my armor in regards to commitment.

I am not doing myself any favors by leaving these backdoors open and entertaining these “favorite” sins. I have prayed about it and asked Heavenly Father for help in finding a way to stay motivated, to stay pumped about this journey. Because I don’t mean to forget. I don’t mean to lapse into these pits where it feels so much easier to stay still. And it is my fault, most of the time. I nap a lot more, I watch a lot more media. How to, in those moments, convince myself that rather than laying down or starting another Youtube video about games or movies, I could work on my projects or my lesson plans instead? Because I do not feel close to the Spirit when I am idle.

I’ve been reading a book that my aunt Wendy lent to me about the temple called House of Glory by S. Michael Wilcox and in the end of chapter 2, he talks about how when we are taught by the Holy Ghost we are “remembering” things that our spirit was taught in the premortal existence, that it is an “awakening” to truths we already know but have forgotten because of the Veil. This stuck with me because of the nature of my conversion, my humble prayer said kneeling at my bedside all those months ago. Not just a feeling of return to things I had learned as a child and young woman because looking back, I realize now my testimony back then was heavily based upon the testimonies of others. No, what I felt this past September was a tickling remembrance of who I am: a daughter of God. An acceptance of my role, my ability to go to Him with this heartfelt request, but also a feeling and impression from Him, of welcoming, love, and acceptance, like the loving and understanding Father that He is. I got this affirmation that what I was doing was right and it very much WAS like remembering something that had been within me all along.

How does this relate to my laziness and trying to find motivation to commit to standards? Well, in answer to my prayers, I found opportunity to revisit the temple today with the Susquehanna branch. It was more than the boost I desired and everything I needed to realign myself on the track I am supposed to be on. Not only was the session itself wonderful, the most clear to me as it has ever been, but the ride to and home was a Spirit-filled incubator preparing me to enter the Lord’s house. On the way, grandma had us listen to a bunch of devotionals and talks on CD by Wendy Watson, Laurel Christensen, and Sheri Dew.

One that really stuck with me was Wendy Watson’s talk “Change: It’s Always a Possibility!” If you haven’t read or listened to it, I encourage you to do so. Not only did I feel touched by her talk of change and transformation because of my own experiences with it, even in this half a year, but in the little perspective shifts that it allowed from her simply phrasing things a certain way. In it, she tells a story about “Yellow the caterpillar” who comes upon another caterpillar cocooning himself. Inquiring about it and intrigued by his desire to become a butterfly, Yellow asks how does one become a butterfly and he replies, “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

Not only is that eye opening in itself, just a beautiful, simple way to phrase it that seems to remove a myriad of obstacles and “I can’ts” from the equation of getting to who we need to be, but Watson takes it a step further just a little ways on, asking what sorts of things make us feel so jubilant about our potential? And she implies that these are “premortal stirrings.”

Last night, in thinking of my Girls Camp workshop about Repentance, and the talk I am writing for it, I thought to bring up the recent stirrings in my own mind, the reassertion of “what is it that I want?” Because that too was a very big part of my conversion and a change from my youth that made this time different than the last. Not only the testimony I have on my own and the things I have experienced but the question “what do I want from life? In pursuing these goals to follow the commandments, go to the temple, following the Lord’s will; why? Why do I do all of this? Who am I trying to impress?” Instantly, as I asked myself this question last night, came to my mind the answer: This is what I was made to do. Nothing else, not politics, not entertainments, or petty squabbles matter above my desire to fulfill the destiny and reason for my creation. I knew that as much as I love them all, the opinions of my aunt and uncle, my grandparents, my leaders, their approval was small to me. I want to obey my Heavenly Father because He put me here for this reason.

Listening to the story of the caterpillar and hearing the questions Watson asked about our “premortal stirrings”, I was reminded of the quote from the book by Wilcox and my own thoughts on how to phrase things for my workshop, and it all came together in my head. But not one to leave me unguided or wandering, Heavenly Father provided another talk that mentions premortal life, Laurel Christensen’s “God Knows You’re Amazing!” I cannot find a transcript of the talk and cannot remember it exactly but within this devotional, she talks at length about metaphorical “tapes” we might view of our premortal existence, our choices in the war in Heaven, our feelings, hopes, and dreams as we prepared for life down here, and how we might feel now if we got to see those tapes. If we got to see ourselves in this state. I visualized myself as a spirit, innocent and beloved of my Heavenly Father, and my aspirations for this life. How pumped I must have been to decide to want to come down here! How I, and my other brothers and sisters in this dispensation were saved for these latter days because of our strength and courage.

I often think about how much encouragement I get from my Heavenly Father, how eager He seems to want me to succeed. “He believes I can do it!” I always think, knowing that my trials were tailor-made and that these helpful steps up are His sign of a sort of faith in me. But I never really stopped to think about how I must have known that I could do it, how much I believed in my ability to follow His plan for me. It’s one thing to talk about who we aspire to be and I know the “right” response is always “like Christ.” But I look up to my premortal self. Wait…well, not exactly…I aspire to live up to her expectations for herself/myself. What did it mean for me back then to be called and held back? To know that this was a dangerous time and I’d be in the trenches, right in the thick of all the sin this world could conjure up? Was I scared? Or did I say with conviction “I know who I am and I can do this!”

I wonder…if I could talk to her now, what she would think of these occasional lost moments in time where I just slip away, watching video after video, or laying down for a nap that I do not need. I wonder what she would feel to see how easily I justify small slip-ups as if it weren’t all the same sin. I can hear you say, “Wow, I understand your aspirations but give yourself a break, kid.” But that’s just it. This idleness is what had me walking away from a temple marriage and a happily ever after. I remember a moment where my activity at church was dwindling and my ex-husband got called as a teacher in the Priesthood classes. I was just lukewarm enough about church that when he expressed anxiety about teaching and not being prepared for his Sunday classes, I shrugged and didn’t say anything. I let him go to church alone rather than give him any kind of support. I have made peace with the guilt I’ve felt over that moment but soon after that, he lapsed into inactivity as well, and the gospel left our home.

I don’t ever want to feel lukewarm about my existence or my goals and pretty soon/eventually, I will have to gain momentum in progress and learn to keep it going, especially if I ever get an apartment on my own. I have to find something to tap into, some method of connecting with the Spirit in a split second when I debate whether to watch another video or work on something productive. I need to find a way to phrase it in my mind so that the question is no longer a choice I have to make but a clear directive in my heart.

Remember who you are.

That’s what I’ve summed it up to. My motivation has everything to do with why I was put here and who I aspired to be before I was born. And if things are going to get as bad they say they are and fast, then there is no time to waste. I am blessed by the opportunities I have been given and the time in which I live, even as the days grow darker. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.