I dislike Math for the Real World so much though. I'm sorry. ;_; I am not going to use this. I have been budgeting since I moved out here and got a job; I know how to quantitatively reason my way through decisions about big purchases, and I haven't used Algebra in 12 years. So, it feels like I'm going backwards to take this class, because it breaks down the quantitative stuff, confuses you with word problems, and then trains you to use Excel, even though a simple checkbook could provide the same function.
The first day I had the class felt like taking a baseball bat to the shins. I was so ready to be optimistic about it and try my best. Until my teacher put an Algebra problem on the board and told the class to solve it. I sat there, watching the people around me writing on their papers, using their calculators, all the while I could not for the life of me remember what the heck I was even supposed to do with the numbers on the board. Were we counting? Was that what that meant? Was this a "fingers applicable" situation?
It was incredibly demoralizing, and I couldn't help embracing the sense of failure that settled onto my shoulders, considering the fact it was the FIRST day of the class and I was already lost. What was I doing here? What was I going to do? I took special ed in middle school JUST for math and I remember taking 2 pre-Algebra classes in high school before I took the actual Algebra. I am a frigging idiot baby when it comes to math ANYTHING. How was I going to survive this college course? I was going to fail. Maybe it meant I wasn't cut out for college period.
On and on it went. And to make matters worse, it was raining that Tuesday, so, my sneakers were soaked and I just felt wholly depressed and defeated. As I went to work that afternoon, I debated whether or not to go to the ward missionary thing we do every Tuesday night. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I was so depressed, I would probably not be very good at supporting anyone else. Oh look, something else I fail at.
At that moment, a spark of defensiveness lit up inside me. I partially blame the ward missionary group I hang out with and how much they inspire me to do good for others. The rest of it, I blame on the Spirit, which I have come to recognize as being present when we go out Tuesday nights fellowshipping. Anyway, my defensiveness clung to this Tuesday event as something I didn't want to give up on or cheap out on. "No! This is exactly the time to be doing service!" Realizing I'd spent enough time focusing on myself for the day, I sang an angry version of Nephi's Courage, drew a silly doodle of myself, and then made plans to contact my cousin Mead, who is an Engineering major, to help me reboot my brain about Algebra.
It is one thing to know the platitudes: service brings us out of ourselves; faith is an action word; moving forward is problem solving, etc. But in the situation, when math is making you cry and your sneakers are filled with water and you just don't feel good enough...it is so hard to remember who you are and why you are here. To remember those platitudes. It's one thing I can be proud of though, that in that moment, I learned a lesson by putting those sayings into action. Not only that but I've started a habit - through positive reinforcement and remembering how I handled this moment of vulnerability and weakness, I have something to build upon next time.
Math still continues to make me cry occasionally but I haven't gotten stuck again like I did that day. And I hunt for and search for those opportunities to do service.
All the other classes I have are fine. English 101 is my fav this semester. I'm sure I won't be saying that when we have to write an "informative" paper and I have to report the facts in an unbiased manner. But for now, it is my favorite. And already, I've gotten feedback from my classmates and the TA that I'm a really good writer or something. Here I am, desperate for some criticism and totally ready to be refined and judged and the only thing anybody can do is tell me I don't know how to use commas. Yeah, sure. But what about my coherence or entertainment value? Is it interesting to read? Can you understand it? Where is the writing weak? As I said, this is the honeymoon period and I'll have a rude awakening when people stop stroking my ego. XD How unfair everything will feel THAT day!
My roommate Angela is my new best friend. I really admire her a lot and I love hanging out with her. We watch M.A.S.H. and make food together and she's very active with church and it encourages me so much to do better to get involved. We all have things we need work on, I'm sure, but what I see and what I watch her do, inspires me to work on those things I need to be better at. She is so ready to help out. Everywhere we go, she's not a part of the committee or whatever but she's helping set up and helping clean up. I need to work on making these habits mine, because it's still an afterthought with me or something that I sit there and debate("Hmmm, should I sit...or should I help make sure all these tables have water, like those other people are doing? ...I really feel like sitting....but those tables need water...").
Another person I've been watching closely lately is Maeve. She's the companion to Jason's ward mission leader(I forget what the position is called but they're supposed to be a pair in the calling, I know) and she's my companion on Tuesday nights when we visit people. She's very approachable and friendly but also there's an air of professionalism about her that I really appreciate. And she takes her calling seriously. I'm learning a lot from her and I try to say yes to things she asks of me, seeking after those learning opportunities. One thing she brought up to me recently that has really stuck in my mind is the idea of "making time" to do the Lord's work. Sometimes I feel so busy with school and my job, it is a struggle to find the time to do things for others. But I have been trying to look for hidden hours where I've been telling myself "I can't because" and filling it with those things that could go there. It might end up seeming strange to people that I clean the church on Saturdays for only 45 minutes before leaving to go to work but it is a hidden hour that I can give away.
I also feel inspired by my brother, who is on a mission in Scottsdale, Arizona right now. I didn't realize how much I would need the emails from him every week nor how much I would be learning from him or be affected by the work he is doing. But his kindness and willingness to serve the Lord, to teach people and to love them gets me pumped for the same things. That's what they say, isn't it? We're all supposed to be missionaries. Just reading about what he does, it makes me want to have experiences too, to look for those opportunities.
I am so grateful for this gospel in my life and for all the friends and family I have around me. If ever you need anything, please, let me know! I want to serve!
