The Joy and Love of Heavenly Father

Sorry for the lack of art posts or any other work on this blog lately. I have been escalating from one sickness to the next the entire month and although I won’t gross you out with the details, suffice it to say I’ve not been well enough to paint or do much of anything. So, for now, here’s another LDS and testimony tagged entry. If that’s one thing I am not short on, it is spiritual experiences.

I think I might have mentioned in a previous entry how it feels like Heavenly Father has ongoing conversations with me through my interactions with other people or reading books and the scriptures. It’s one of the things I have been so surprised and overjoyed about how much spiritual attention it feels like I’m getting this time around! For instance, as you may have noticed from my “Forum Search” entry, I’ve kind of become frustrated with trying to fill my personal/relaxation time and replace it with things that are good and spiritually uplifting to me.

So, just last week, I finally admitted defeat searching for online social avenues and I also gave up on movies and TV shows, which generally cost money I’m not making right now(these funds are growing slimmer). Well, the very next day after posting that entry and praying about it, I’m sitting with grandpa at grandma’s birthday bash and I ask him about going to the branch temple trip February 18^th and what we’d be doing there. He brings up indexing and family genealogy as possible things. As he’s describing indexing and what it is, I felt a tickle in my heart that this actually sounded like something I could do and would be interested in doing. As grandpa explained the way it helps other members search for their family names and hunt down their own genealogy, it sounded an awful lot like service work to me. Something kind of bookish(I’m good at that), attention to detail oriented(I’m good at that), and…time consuming. Something serviceable that could occupy my time which were both things I was looking for!

It doesn’t stop there. Come Sunday and I planned to stay over at the Hansens again, just for fun and to spend time with my aunt and my cousins. As soon as I get there, since I had bugged aunt Wendy in previous weeks about some church oriented novels she might have, I’m there at the Hansens for not more than an hour and uncle Dave brings out 3 medium-sized Tupperware containers FULL of books. Novels, Glenn Beck political books, and some church oriented books. And they offer them to me like a library that I can check out whenever I want. No late fees!

I’ll be reading for a long while…which will also fill the rest of my time. I expressed to them and bore my testimony with how heavy handed Heavenly Father has been with me, sometimes I feel dizzied by the rag doll treatment He seems to be giving me, directing me here, guiding me this way, giving me these searched for answers. The next morning as I spoke with aunt Wendy, she hit the nail on the head with the description of Him: He’s not directing me forcefully; He’s a loving Father who’s been estranged from His daughter for so long and He’s excited to have her back, talking to Him, asking Him for answers. As soon as she said that, I felt in my heart that I knew this was true. How encouraging He's been during my journey, how much His joy bursts in my heart when I find the things I’ve been looking for and longing for, how patient He has been with me. I even said in one of my very first entries how my problem before when I left the church was that I forgot what the term “daughter” meant and that I am one. Seems I briefly forgot again.

So, repentance can be tough. Discussing my process with grandpa about a month or two ago, he told me that I am a perfectionist and the big part of my process would be in forgiving myself for what I’ve done. I ignored him and I’ve been troubled with this search ever since. I thought if I could make my life open to the spirit, then I’d truly get confirmation, like a bell ringing inside, and I could move past it knowing it was official: that sin had been wiped clean. I’ve gotten some answers in the quiet of my room but was reluctant to accept them because they weren’t as loud as I wished/expected they would be.

Fast forward to tonight. I only borrowed two books from the Hansens so far, one by Glenn Beck and one tiny one called Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson. I figured along with Fishers of Men by Lund, I’d have my palette full with Christian novel, doctrine, and political. I put it aside because my cold mutated into an ugly groggy monster this week, deciding its last Pokemon evolution would be the stomach bug to end all stomach bugs today. So, not much reading or doing anything except coughing and sneezing and this bug ruining my weekend plans. I’ve been asleep most of the evening so, I’m up now and on a whim decided Lund was too fantasy for me right now; I wanted to dig into this thin book, Believing Christ. When uncle Dave had the books laid out on their dining table and I selected that one, my cousin Mead, who’s a returned missionary, suggested that would be a great choice, “especially for me.” So, I’ve had this nudging curiosity in the back of my mind all week, with a note on it, “I’ll get to it as soon as I feel better.”

So, not even past the first chapter and already this thing has got me crying but into the second chapter, “The Good News” Robinson delves into the Atonement and what exactly the difference is “believing in Christ” and “believing Christ.” Because doesn’t it feel like, when you finally acknowledge the impact you’ve had upon Heavenly Father and your own soul with something you’ve done, a sin, it doesn’t seem like He could possibly possess enough bleach to make that red white again. I got the impact part and it finally hit me how much I have lost, time-wise, purity-wise, with what I did while away. But that acceptance part…that the Atonement could be for me too…that was the struggle.

Just something about the way Robinson phrased things in this chapter, about the acceptance of this gift I have been given, struck me like a light switch flicked on. Suddenly my stomach ache is gone and I felt the Spirit testify to me that Heavenly Father truly does love me and He does not want me to hang onto this and punish myself needlessly. That is not a part of this journey He wants me to take. I want to bear my testimony that I know that we can all make it to live with our Heavenly Father again by partaking in the Atonement. All your sins can truly be made as white as snow. That always, He wants nothing but the best for each of us and for our ultimate happiness. I also bear to you that I know He answers prayers and like any Father missing His children, He gets excited and filled with joy when we reach out to Him. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Feeling the Spirit

It’s been almost a week and I meant to make this entry earlier but I couldn’t find the time to just sit down and blog. I really liked Branch Conference this past Sunday and I’ve never felt the Spirit so strongly as I did that day, all day. I might have mentioned it before but every time I go to church, through the lessons and discussions, I always hear something that I know I was meant to hear. Something relevant to current struggles or things that go along with my thoughts lately. New perspective shifts that help me feel like Heavenly Father is talking directly to me through the mouthpieces of His servants and answering my prayers.

This Sunday is one of the first that I actually brought a notepad with me, prompted by the Spirit to make available something on which to take a lot of notes. I got a little too excited, erroneously thinking when they said “Conference” that this was something like General Conference but it ended up being more like Stake Conference, except we had visitors to our branch instead. I was regretful that last General Conference, I can’t remember any of the speakers or things they talked about, while, Ben, my younger brother, sat beside me in church and scrawled notes in his notebook the entire time. This time, I was determined to be prepared and although it did not end up being General Conference like I thought, I’m still very glad I brought a notepad with me.

In the second block, Sunday school and Gospel Principles were combined and we learned about Teaching in the Savior’s way. I’ve heard people talk of these meetings before, since grandma and grandpa both work positions of authority in the church, they often have to attend these sort of councils. I’m very pleased they opened it up to more than just the teachers! That is one of those things that I have such a strong testimony of, the way that our classes are taught with the Spirit and given by regular members. I remember one time while at their house, uncle Dave mentioned that I should get called to teach a class and I laughed like he was joking and said, “I don’t know; I’ve still got a lot to learn!” And he told me, “Well, that’s how you learn.” I finally understand what he meant and suddenly it occurs to me that feels right in my heart as well.

Very rarely are teachers in the church actually trained professionals or teach in positions outside of church. The callings are often opportunities for growth, to challenge members to come out of their shells and become more involved in the building of God’s kingdom. And this was brought up during the lesson this Sunday, that teachers are right up next to the high presidency in importance; that teaching with the Spirit is just as important. This was confirmed for me this week as I read 2 Nephi 25 and he talks about the spirit of prophesy and what exactly that is. We all have the ability to feel this spirit for it is the Holy Ghost, and through feeling it with us we can testify(like testimony) of His truths.

I didn’t go looking for 2 Nephi 25, by the way. That’s where we are right now in the scriptures as we’re going through them from beginning to end. So, right after a Sunday lesson about how important teaching with the Spirit is, my family and I get to hear it from Nephi as well. This is another testimony to me that the gospel is consistent and that this has been a part of the way the gospel works from the beginning. It is also a part of my testimony that Heavenly Father does speak to us and has, almost a conversation with you, if you are able to open your heart and listen.

The lesson we had in the third block was another combination, Relief Society and Priesthood meetings. This was my absolute favorite because Brother Austrich(I don’t know how to spell it but I know it is not “ostrich”) delved into perfection. Citing Matthew 5:48, he defined the Greek word for “perfect” used in that verse as “teleios” which does not mean perfect as we think, with all the connotations of impossible high standards and without sinning. It means “complete”, “matured”, “to reach a distant end”, “fully developed”, and “finished.” So, the connotations of

48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

Takes on a different complexity of meaning. We talked about how “perfection” is a process, that the important thing is to continuously move forward, how the Atonement makes it possible for us to repent and there’d be no reason for it if we weren’t supposed to use it. I especially liked the part where we talked about how exaltation is not reserved for the elites in the church and how Heavenly Father truly wants us all to be in the Celestial Kingdom with him. It was brought up how we will be surprised by who will end up being there at the table next to Heavenly Father. I have a book to help with setting goals and part of this process is writing them down and visualizing where you want to be. Last month, I drew a couple pictures of myself giving talks and being a leader at Girl’s Camp because they seemed “attainable” goals to me. Now I think I’ll draw pictures of me in the Celestial kingdom as well. It all starts with visualization and thinking that you are capable. Because why not? As Brother Hall said, “I’ve never been perfect but I have finished stuff before.” I think I can finish me too, with the Lord’s help.

As the lesson came to a close, I was sitting next to grandma in the middle of the pews and felt very strongly that I was going to be called to say closing prayer. I remember having a moment of internal dialogue that went something like, “What? No, I don’t get called to say prayer very often.” President Sorenson(grandpa) was sitting in the back row and Brother Austrich asked him to call on someone to say the closing prayer. That feeling intensified inside until I had a surety that I was going to be called, getting ready to stand just as grandpa said my name. I smiled a little bit, like “Ack! I knew it!” and when I stood there and folded my arms, my mind was wiped blank. I had nothing planned to say, and my rationale would not work for me to say anything important.

Then my mouth began to move and words were coming out. Suddenly, I was saying things that pertained to the lesson and my prayer was thoughtful and I knew that it was the Spirit that filled me and gave me the words to say. Never before have I felt so strongly the Spirit take command of me like that, my heart overwhelmed with love for my Savior. I am making an entirely new tag for this blog(“future me”) because I know that my testimony of this event is not just important for those reading but for myself as well. I remember once or twice, when I was younger, things happened to me that I felt were maybe the Spirit but this is the first time I have ever felt it like this. I was not alone in the chapel that day and those words were not my own. This is a note for my future self to always know that this happened and it was real. I know that this is the true church of Jesus Christ and God on earth and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Forum Search

So, I need to amend my earlier entry “I’m on MormonHub Forums!” In my search to find someplace wholesome to hang out, it turns out, LDS forums are fraught with just as much danger as IMDB or Literotica. Just a different kind of danger. On the worldly forums, people curse freely, make sexual jokes, and devolve into contentious arguments almost as a matter of course to communicate with one another. Despite the things I learn from some of the discussions, I did not like the way that I was desensitized to these mannerisms and methods of communication. As if calling someone a crude name is something I can gloss over and still gain something valuable from the discussion. I’m incredibly protective of my testimony, since I lost it for several years, and despite the measure of intolerance it might show of me, I cannot allow myself to feel the Spirit leave me for even a moment if I can help it.

Looking up “lds discussion forums”, where people would share my values and would even be church centered, turned out to be a bad idea as a replacement. I tried out a couple of other LDS forums after going to MormonHub because that forum moves rather slow and people like to talk topics to death before finally moving on to something new. On a different, much larger LDS forum, seemingly more politically and conservative geared, I read a bunch of topics and ended up finding out about false doctrines and off-shoots from the church that I didn’t know existed. I don’t want others to be exposed to these things as I was, so, I will not mention them by name but it’s the kind of thing where members fall away because they don’t have strong testimonies in the core principles of Christ and His church or they have been very obviously tricked by the Adversary into thinking they are more special than they are and deserve God’s glory for themselves through self-aggrandizement.

It's not just that these things exist that is harmful but on this particular forum, I would recognize the opening post of a topic to be false doctrine and I’d scroll through a dozen replies before finding someone who recognized it as well. And then they’d end up being the only one weakly making a case for why this thing was false while dozens more people came in declaring their support for the original false post. There is something self-correcting about going to church; you ask questions or you express a viewpoint and if it is incorrect, you’re guided towards the correct doctrine. You don’t just spout an answer or opinion in class and not have others help guide your viewpoint and focus back to where it belongs, either in the middle of class, or privately with the teachers and church authorities and even the missionaries.

This is not happening on these forums. They’re anonymous so nobody knows who has real authority or not and people who have doubts or spout false doctrine don’t have any checks or balances in place in order to call them on it or guide them towards the right answers. The ultimate guide is of course the Spirit who will help you find the right answers but if you’re not choosing the right, it can be hard for the Spirit to come to you. I don’t want to assume how often these people pray or whether or not they’re reading their scriptures. I remember a time when I thought I could get away with not reading them and still have a strong testimony(spoiler alert: that did not end up working out for me). But I do know if they were reading their scriptures and had a relationship with Heavenly Father, they might not be thinking these ridiculous things.

In the midst of reading one particular topic, I felt prompted by the Spirit to leave, understanding that there was danger there. Because as a newly returned member, all I really have is what I’ve learned so far and what I vaguely remember from going to church before. I didn’t want to chance that I’d come upon a topic and not be able to recognize immediately that it was not true doctrine and possibly be romanced away again. The church has brought me so much assurance and confidence in my path through the world now and I know what it was like to trust in other things. Without really understanding that was what I was doing, I searched for replacements, different things to believe in and give guidance and meaning to my life. They were never good enough, the sense of trust was never there. Only this church has brought me that kind of surety that if ever I were to fall backwards, the Lord and Christ would be there to catch me.

I expressed my misgivings to my brother, Ben, and he suggested I find a plain Christian forum or a plain conservative forum to go to. I don’t think that would be a good idea either, despite the focus being on Christ, I don’t want to, with my testimony as gentle and special to me as it is, put it out there where it is forced to be challenged or made fun of. Because if I signed up to a Christian forum, I’d want to be open about being LDS and in discussions about Christian topics, I might get drawn into contentious arguments and debates about doctrine. Teaching has to be done with the Spirit in order to have value because it is the Spirit that will testify to someone that what is said is true. The internet is bad enough about allowing regular, worldly people to feel safe to express themselves. When religion and personal beliefs are brought into it, people automatically get defensive in order to protect it.

So, in conclusion, for now, I’m not going to be going to any forums but I did want to make this entry to warn anyone against going to any LDS forums. Please, if you go exploring, make sure that you have the spirit with you so that you may feel its promptings if you need to leave. But my personal experience and counsel is: just do not go. Go to church instead.