So, I just moved into my very first apartment, which is a pretty big checkmark on my list of things to complete on my journey for independence. Apparently, the Lord is not done challenging me yet. The lease for my apartment is up for renewal in March and of course, I was planning on re-signing it. I want to give this place at least a year before I move again. Well, I found out last Saturday that both of my roommates will not be re-signing it with me. Angela for sure and Jessica maybe.
Within the lease, a tenant who is moving has the responsibility of filling their spot. Those who sign the "new" lease have the obligation of finding new tenants to sign the lease with them. Aka, me. You remember how stressed it made me trying to find someone to take that contract I didn't want? Yeah, that was my first reaction. My second was, "That's too much! I can't!" realizing, as I'd be the only one re-signing, I'd become the main and all of the utilities would be transferred to my name/control.
Not that I can't but that I never have before and it felt like a lot of responsibility to take on, not only to find 2 people to move in by March but taking over the utilities as well AND doing it all while I'm trying to finish my first semester of school(which is not happening right now but will be, come March). So, by Sunday morning, I was seriously considering NOT re-signing and just moving out with everybody else in March. Definitely not what I wanted to do and I was certainly feeling discontented, frustrated, and confused about it. There were a lot of prayers being said that morning because I simply didn't know what the right answer was.
In sacrament meeting, Nate gave a talk about depending on the Savior, citing the list of everything His Atonement covers in Alma 7. There were things in his talk that stood out to me, particularly how he started out talking about the pouty mood he can get in when facing trials, tribulations, or new changes. This rang true for me and what I was currently going through, so, he had my attention right from the start. Especially what he said after, that no matter what we go through, the one constant in our lives is the Savior.
He spoke about how we often hesitate to go to the Savior with our "small" problems because of this great thing that He did for us, we don't want to feel like a burden or it feels like these little insecurities and issues are too small to be worth His time. But one of the big points of this life is for us to learn how to trust in Jesus Christ completely and depend on Him. Nate also mentioned the passages in Matthew 11, where Christ talks about us taking His yoke upon us. Nate explained how we often think of a yoke as a harness on a beast of burden to pull a really heavy load. But in actuality, a yoke for oxen is usually something that is put on a pair of animals, not just one. So, when Christ tells us to put on His yoke, He's not telling us to do it alone or to carry our burdens and heavy load by ourselves. He is saying, "let me push with you; let me take that load with you."
In my journey for independence, I often feel like I have to do things alone. I mean...that's the whole point. And that may be true for my aunt and uncle, my cousins, my mom and dad, that being "on my own" means I shouldn't run to them for every little problem I have and instead rely on myself to make decisions. But I very frequently forget that this is not true for the Savior. My problem is exactly as Nate described: I hesitate to burden Christ with my issues because, you know, He's "busy" washing people clean of their sins. But His love for me extends beyond just needing to repent of things to get back onto the straight and narrow but also in dealing with the hardships that try to knock me OFF of that road.
I forget Brother Pyper's daughter's name and I think it is Brinlee. She also gave a talk that caught my attention, about the struggle to be perfect. Right away, she cited a feeling I'm familiar with, the putting off of important spiritual things because "I have time" and how staggering the difference is when she actually studies and commits her life to serving the Savior. This is the contrast I spoke of in my last couple of entries as I made the transition from laziness to diligent daily study and prayer, and I liked how Brinlee described this feeling as if she were "shining." I never visualized it that way but I know what she's talking about, how I feel...."awake." How I can hear with clarity, His words meant for me, how everywhere I look, suddenly, I see God's hand in everything. I know that He is always there and always involved, so, I know, in that time when I couldn't hear and couldn't feel Him, it was me that was "turned off."
I also liked the perspective Brinlee brought when she spoke of the hope she feels knowing that there's room for improvement in herself and her life. That the knowledge of eternal progression and moving forward made her feel more hopeful for the future than the times when she thinks she's got a handle on things. Because I know that feeling too, what it is like not to progress, not to move forward, to be standing still with no prospect for the future or any growth to go through. The desire for life ends at that point, because all life is about learning and growing and constantly sharing that with others and growing and learning from them.
Brinlee spoke of how frustrated and discouraged beginning musicians can get when they first start out on an instrument and they can't make the beautiful music they hear other, more experienced musicians play. She said that they learn early on that there is no such thing as a "perfect" performance and how there is always room for improvement and how they keep practicing all of their lives and still never reach perfection, that there's always something new to learn and evolve.
I didn't see how perfectly these messages fit for me until reviewing my notes this past week, which makes me grateful that I take notes during sacrament meeting. So, even with these clear impressions from Heavenly Father, I went to my aunt and uncle's house that evening, for the gift exchange/Christmas party, still with the idea that I'd be moving in March. Thankfully, my cousins and aunt, people who love me, were able to convince me to reconsider these moving plans. It's not that big of a deal and it's not that big of a burden to take on, honestly. The bigger burden would be trying to find a better deal than what I have right now and then still needing to find new roommates in a new place because this is frigging Rexburg and people are moving in and moving out constantly.
For now, my plan is to stay and become the main on the apartment account, to take Heavenly Father's challenge less as a trial and more as an endorsement...that He believes I can do it. Starting this January, I will be looking for new roommate(s) and knowing that my family support me and the Lord supports me, I'm excited and looking forward to these new experiences and opportunities to grow.
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Thursday, December 14, 2017
This call may be monitored...
So, you may have seen the pictures on Facebook from when I hurt my hand. I won't repost them here but I'll just tell you how it happened. When I moved into the new apartment, I got into the habit of first thing in the morning, reading my scriptures. I'm often too tired after I get home from work and if I get up in the morning and get into something else, it's hard to draw myself away from it to get to scriptures before I have to go to work. So first thing is what works for me.
Well, for some reason, on Sunday the 3rd of December, I got into my new favorite show, Grimm, first thing instead, with vague, mental promises to read my scriptures before I had to leave for church. You know how that goes, right? Especially when competing with a television show for relevance. So, I was listening to Grimm on my tablet and making myself a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. My roommate's can opener would not move forward with the turning of the lever BUT it would push the blade through the can when the handles were squeezed together. Like, you know how a can opener "locks" and pops the blade through the top of the can? Yeah, I just made it do that a bunch of times, putting the holes as close together as I could.
Sometimes, it wasn't close enough, so, there would still be small pieces of the lid keeping it closed. Some of them were easy to snap when I pried at it with a fork but others were keeping it closed. I thought if I pulled at the lid with my hand... Oh. Yeah. You can see where this is going and how foolish it was.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father decided not to punish me too harshly for my stupidity, as I didn't hit the nerve, the muscle, nor the vein. It was only skin deep but still deep enough that a simple bandaid would not be enough and I needed 3 stitches. There was a disconnect when it first happened that I didn't realize how bad it was or what had even happened. Because it didn't start to bleed until I was running around looking for a napkin and it didn't actually start to hurt until we were in the ER.
My roommate, Angela, jumped into action, grabbing the first aid kit. She poured rubbing alcohol onto it and dressed it for me and then drove me to the ER. Jessica, my other roommate, helped keep me steady, emotionally, as I got queasy and lightheaded, by talking to me and asking me questions during the car ride, then telling me dad jokes while we waited for the doctor. And Angela showed us dry bar stand up comedy videos on her phone while the doctor stitched me up. At the absolute least, I know my roommates can be fun and entertaining. At the most, I know they can be depended on in a crisis. ❥ For Christmas, I bought myself and my roommate can openers, lol.
The next day, work put me on a new survey because they were still testing it out and the client would be monitoring it with them to see how it sounded. It was an annoying survey with a flaw in the beginning that kicked half the people out of it. But I have been told that I am one of their top people because I sound really professional on the phone. So, they like to put me on the client monitored surveys because of how good I am, not just to torture me, which was my first impression. Which is nice to know even though I prefer the Thrivent project and don't like to dial anything else(other surveys aren't bad, I just really like that project above everything else, lol). I suppose "because I'm good at it" is a good reason to get tormented by a survey.
When the Bishop asked me during tithing settlement if I've seen any blessings in my life from paying tithing, to tell the truth, I hadn't thought about it like that at all. Ever since I returned to church, paying tithing has never been a question to me. I guess because it's the easy thing to do. Keeping up with the spiritual maintenance stuff, like service, scripture reading, and daily prayer, take more effort, more commitment and thought. I know, in my heart, no matter the ups and downs of my commitment level, that I owe Him everything. That every blessing and physical comfort are gifts from Him. That here on earth, I am merely a steward of everything I own and that they truly belong to Him. So, even when I grow lazy on the other stuff, paying tithing never needs the extra effort or thought because all of it is His to begin with. Even if I need money and tithing feels like it hurts, I know He will look after my needs. If I do what He asks of me, I don't need to worry about anything else.
But truthfully, I have felt the blessings of paying tithing. We get monitored once a day at the call center and I usually get 95s and 100s on my daily scores. Right after Thanksgiving, the supervisor in charge of the monitoring department, monitored me on a survey and gave me an 85, the lowest you can get before you start losing points(lose enough points in a short amount of time and you could get fired). After all of the high scores I'd been getting, that made me mad, so, I made some drastic changes to my method of doing surveys, based upon his criticisms. They don't like you to say "um" or "oh" or anything like that, so, to be a brat, I started basically envisioning myself as a robot while on the phone. Anytime I got the urge to say "uh" or "mhm" I stone-faced it and pretended I was an emotionless android, dishing out a scripted pat response in an even-tone instead, lol.
Ever since November 28th, I've worked 12 days and gotten 11 100s on my daily scores, with one day being a 95. I'm not trying to brag but more shocked that my passive aggressiveness actually worked. There have been times when I still make mistakes but since they only monitor you once a day, for some reason, they've been missing those surveys and listening to the good ones I put out each day. Considering how low my score was merely 3 weeks ago, I find it astonishing and definitely divinely inspired to have been blessed so much in such a short amount of time. I'm not saying passive aggressiveness works - no, you shouldn't do that, don't be like me - but that keeping the Lord in mind and paying tithing gives you blessings.
Tuesday, the 5th, we had a pre-shift briefing and my manager gave out the awards for the month of November, handing me one for having the most hours worked for the month. I got a little paper award and a gift card as a reward! THEN, as I start my shift, I am corralled with 4 other people into the training room, where we are informed that we were chosen, as some of the center's top producers, to be on a new, special survey that our center has gotten the privilege to dial on. It was a good survey and very fun to do and I am so thankful that I got to be a part of that.
On Sunday it was announced that on Tuesday, the ward mission leaders would be going out to find people in our ward that we haven't been able to find, to offer them fellowship during this holiday season. It was opened up to the entire ward to participate and come help out. I wrote it down in my notebook because it sounded like something I was interested in but by Tuesday, I was debating going.
However, I felt like it was an answer to my prayers, debating whether I should go or not, when I had such a wonderful day at work with all of those blessings(awards and new special project, etc.) and I felt like Heavenly Father was somehow making the decision easier for me to make. That giving me so much would encourage me to want to give back to others, which is what I actually felt. So, once I was done with work, I went over to the church to make myself available. I had thought, since it was announced in sacrament meeting that it would have an FHE level turnout. Other than the 3 people with the ward mission callings and Brother Bahr, the 2nd counselor of the bishopric, I was the only other person to show up. That was also where I learned that Angela, my roommate, has a calling with the ward mission leader(I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I know she was supposed to be there).
I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. Angela and I paired up and went to 3 different houses to visit with some sisters and gave them the daily spiritual thought offered by the church's Light the World initiative. Angela is a wonderful partner. She is so loving and personable. The way that she connects and genuinely cares about others, it inspires me to feel and show that love as well. It's one of the things I really admire about her and I hope that I get more opportunities to work with her and learn from her. Before I moved to Rexburg, President Cooper told me to attach myself to people who are busy running around and doing the Lord's work and I definitely think she fits that description.
We went out again this past Tuesday and although Brother Bahr did not join us, we had 3 extra people show up to help! I was paired up with Angela again but it really warmed my heart to see our ward members get involved and extending this hand of love. Afterwards, we all went out for some discounted frozen yogurt at Kiwi Loco.
Now that I've started, I don't want to stop. I am hoping that if I continue to make my heart willing that the Lord will continue to present me with these opportunities to serve. It was one of those things that was hard for me to do back in Pennsylvania because of how much I depended on others. That is still somewhat true here but I feel like there are more opportunities and it's easier to reach out.
I have a strong testimony of tithing and the blessings we receive if we give back to the Lord. I have experienced first hand the Lord blessing my employment and making me more financially able to give to others. I also have a testimony of service, that if we have a willing heart, we will be presented with opportunities and those who need our help. And I know that we are doing the Lord's work when we reach out to others with love and charity in our hearts. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Well, for some reason, on Sunday the 3rd of December, I got into my new favorite show, Grimm, first thing instead, with vague, mental promises to read my scriptures before I had to leave for church. You know how that goes, right? Especially when competing with a television show for relevance. So, I was listening to Grimm on my tablet and making myself a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. My roommate's can opener would not move forward with the turning of the lever BUT it would push the blade through the can when the handles were squeezed together. Like, you know how a can opener "locks" and pops the blade through the top of the can? Yeah, I just made it do that a bunch of times, putting the holes as close together as I could.
Sometimes, it wasn't close enough, so, there would still be small pieces of the lid keeping it closed. Some of them were easy to snap when I pried at it with a fork but others were keeping it closed. I thought if I pulled at the lid with my hand... Oh. Yeah. You can see where this is going and how foolish it was.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father decided not to punish me too harshly for my stupidity, as I didn't hit the nerve, the muscle, nor the vein. It was only skin deep but still deep enough that a simple bandaid would not be enough and I needed 3 stitches. There was a disconnect when it first happened that I didn't realize how bad it was or what had even happened. Because it didn't start to bleed until I was running around looking for a napkin and it didn't actually start to hurt until we were in the ER.
My roommate, Angela, jumped into action, grabbing the first aid kit. She poured rubbing alcohol onto it and dressed it for me and then drove me to the ER. Jessica, my other roommate, helped keep me steady, emotionally, as I got queasy and lightheaded, by talking to me and asking me questions during the car ride, then telling me dad jokes while we waited for the doctor. And Angela showed us dry bar stand up comedy videos on her phone while the doctor stitched me up. At the absolute least, I know my roommates can be fun and entertaining. At the most, I know they can be depended on in a crisis. ❥ For Christmas, I bought myself and my roommate can openers, lol.
The next day, work put me on a new survey because they were still testing it out and the client would be monitoring it with them to see how it sounded. It was an annoying survey with a flaw in the beginning that kicked half the people out of it. But I have been told that I am one of their top people because I sound really professional on the phone. So, they like to put me on the client monitored surveys because of how good I am, not just to torture me, which was my first impression. Which is nice to know even though I prefer the Thrivent project and don't like to dial anything else(other surveys aren't bad, I just really like that project above everything else, lol). I suppose "because I'm good at it" is a good reason to get tormented by a survey.
When the Bishop asked me during tithing settlement if I've seen any blessings in my life from paying tithing, to tell the truth, I hadn't thought about it like that at all. Ever since I returned to church, paying tithing has never been a question to me. I guess because it's the easy thing to do. Keeping up with the spiritual maintenance stuff, like service, scripture reading, and daily prayer, take more effort, more commitment and thought. I know, in my heart, no matter the ups and downs of my commitment level, that I owe Him everything. That every blessing and physical comfort are gifts from Him. That here on earth, I am merely a steward of everything I own and that they truly belong to Him. So, even when I grow lazy on the other stuff, paying tithing never needs the extra effort or thought because all of it is His to begin with. Even if I need money and tithing feels like it hurts, I know He will look after my needs. If I do what He asks of me, I don't need to worry about anything else.
But truthfully, I have felt the blessings of paying tithing. We get monitored once a day at the call center and I usually get 95s and 100s on my daily scores. Right after Thanksgiving, the supervisor in charge of the monitoring department, monitored me on a survey and gave me an 85, the lowest you can get before you start losing points(lose enough points in a short amount of time and you could get fired). After all of the high scores I'd been getting, that made me mad, so, I made some drastic changes to my method of doing surveys, based upon his criticisms. They don't like you to say "um" or "oh" or anything like that, so, to be a brat, I started basically envisioning myself as a robot while on the phone. Anytime I got the urge to say "uh" or "mhm" I stone-faced it and pretended I was an emotionless android, dishing out a scripted pat response in an even-tone instead, lol.
Ever since November 28th, I've worked 12 days and gotten 11 100s on my daily scores, with one day being a 95. I'm not trying to brag but more shocked that my passive aggressiveness actually worked. There have been times when I still make mistakes but since they only monitor you once a day, for some reason, they've been missing those surveys and listening to the good ones I put out each day. Considering how low my score was merely 3 weeks ago, I find it astonishing and definitely divinely inspired to have been blessed so much in such a short amount of time. I'm not saying passive aggressiveness works - no, you shouldn't do that, don't be like me - but that keeping the Lord in mind and paying tithing gives you blessings.
Tuesday, the 5th, we had a pre-shift briefing and my manager gave out the awards for the month of November, handing me one for having the most hours worked for the month. I got a little paper award and a gift card as a reward! THEN, as I start my shift, I am corralled with 4 other people into the training room, where we are informed that we were chosen, as some of the center's top producers, to be on a new, special survey that our center has gotten the privilege to dial on. It was a good survey and very fun to do and I am so thankful that I got to be a part of that.
On Sunday it was announced that on Tuesday, the ward mission leaders would be going out to find people in our ward that we haven't been able to find, to offer them fellowship during this holiday season. It was opened up to the entire ward to participate and come help out. I wrote it down in my notebook because it sounded like something I was interested in but by Tuesday, I was debating going.
However, I felt like it was an answer to my prayers, debating whether I should go or not, when I had such a wonderful day at work with all of those blessings(awards and new special project, etc.) and I felt like Heavenly Father was somehow making the decision easier for me to make. That giving me so much would encourage me to want to give back to others, which is what I actually felt. So, once I was done with work, I went over to the church to make myself available. I had thought, since it was announced in sacrament meeting that it would have an FHE level turnout. Other than the 3 people with the ward mission callings and Brother Bahr, the 2nd counselor of the bishopric, I was the only other person to show up. That was also where I learned that Angela, my roommate, has a calling with the ward mission leader(I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I know she was supposed to be there).
I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. Angela and I paired up and went to 3 different houses to visit with some sisters and gave them the daily spiritual thought offered by the church's Light the World initiative. Angela is a wonderful partner. She is so loving and personable. The way that she connects and genuinely cares about others, it inspires me to feel and show that love as well. It's one of the things I really admire about her and I hope that I get more opportunities to work with her and learn from her. Before I moved to Rexburg, President Cooper told me to attach myself to people who are busy running around and doing the Lord's work and I definitely think she fits that description.
We went out again this past Tuesday and although Brother Bahr did not join us, we had 3 extra people show up to help! I was paired up with Angela again but it really warmed my heart to see our ward members get involved and extending this hand of love. Afterwards, we all went out for some discounted frozen yogurt at Kiwi Loco.
Now that I've started, I don't want to stop. I am hoping that if I continue to make my heart willing that the Lord will continue to present me with these opportunities to serve. It was one of those things that was hard for me to do back in Pennsylvania because of how much I depended on others. That is still somewhat true here but I feel like there are more opportunities and it's easier to reach out.
I have a strong testimony of tithing and the blessings we receive if we give back to the Lord. I have experienced first hand the Lord blessing my employment and making me more financially able to give to others. I also have a testimony of service, that if we have a willing heart, we will be presented with opportunities and those who need our help. And I know that we are doing the Lord's work when we reach out to others with love and charity in our hearts. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
The Contract
When I started this blog, I wasn't really sure what I wanted it to be. A chronicling of my life? A series of updates about art projects and writing projects? Eventually, its purpose became clear to me as more and more I began to use the church related tags. This blog is my testimony, a chronicling of my spiritual journey and all of the ways I can see God in my life. Because even as it happens to me, even as I describe these events to you, I am shocked and humbled by His attention. Sometimes, with how direct His influence has been, I feel like I'm writing a fantasy story with me as the main character, yet these things are true and I want you to be able to see what I see. To see and feel clearly what He has done. I finally have access to a computer after two weeks, so, we're a little behind. Because, of course, those two weeks were chosen for some of the most influential personal revelations I've had since I moved to Rexburg. To keep you from having to read novels, I'll do these in parts to help you catch up.
One of the biggest things that helps to build and strengthen my testimony is having that stark contrast, clear in my mind, how I feel disconnected and unrooted from my life when I am not diligently doing what I should and then when I start up again, all of a sudden, He starts talking to me and touching my life in direct ways. I haven't fallen, but in the past 5 months, I've probably said a total of 10 private prayers and opened my scriptures about 3 times. At first, it was because I was working so much but then I just kept making excuses and got lazy about it.
I thought it'd be ok. I'm here in Rexburg, I was living with family who have the Spirit strong in their home and I was able to go to church more regularly. School would be starting soon and I was sure that things would be better, that as soon as classes started, my diligence and willpower would magically return. Until then, it wasn't like I was in any real danger. I could afford to relax for a couple more months and then throw myself into spiritual living when it was time to get to work. Sounds like the recipe for flirting with disaster.
I was able to secure for myself an apartment contract for BYU approved housing back in October. Thinking it over, I realized that I really didn't want to share a room with a young 20-something, and since I am 30 and have the option to live in non-approved housing, I decided to search for something else. I found the perfect place, with affordable rent and a good location and went ahead and expressed my interest. Belatedly, I realized that I was still responsible for the contract I signed for the other place. So, I spent a lot of October and November trying to sell the contract for the winter semester and stressing about not getting it off my hands by January.
As the end of November came closer, I had to schedule to meet up with the gals for the new apartment I wanted, in order to sign a lease with them. They scheduled it for Monday, the 27th, at 4, which overlapped with my shift at work. When you call off or can't come in for a shift at my work, they force you to make up those hours on a different day. I have Fridays and most Sundays off, but I wanted to leave Friday open, just in case things didn't work out for moving in on Wednesday, that I'd still have a day where we could spend all day moving things if needed. So, I switched Mondays shift with Sunday, the 26th. I didn't want to but at this point, with the small distance that had grown between me and Heavenly Father, I didn't really trust that 'things would work out as they needed to' so I felt like I didn't have many options. It ended up being one of my few prayers during this time where I asked for His understanding. I went home that Saturday after work and got a text from work saying that only people trained on NRC needed to come in on Sunday. ...well, I'm not trained on NRC yet. Since I specifically switched things around, I called just to make sure and my supervisor confirmed it: I had BOTH Sunday and Monday off!
This was the first time in a while that I'd had a prayer answered like this, so, you can bet He had my attention. I felt that if I was given this Sunday, then there must be some message I was supposed to hear and listen to. With that mindset, I went to church, listening to all of the talks and lessons with my heart open. Nothing really stood out to me and I never had that familiar feeling of people's words being used to talk specifically to me. After that, I forgot about it and went to dinner with my family to the house of some old missionary friends we knew from back east.
It was still fairly early in the evening when we got home so I decided to call home and talk to my siblings. I was on my laptop, writing a silly story with a friend of mine and set it aside, closing it, while I talked to my brother Ben for an hour. After reporting news to my aunt Wendy, I returned to my room and picked up my laptop, opening it. The screen remained black. All the lights were on but the screen was non-responsive. I tried everything to wake it back up again, pushing buttons, unplugging it and moving to different rooms. Nothing. It remained black with the power light on. With no previous sign of being in any trouble, my 3 year old lappy was officially dead.
With only a month left before school starts, I started to freak out. I cried and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to not take my computer, something I'd desperately need for school. Even amidst my frustration, I felt a familiar feelings, something I felt when on my knees the September before last. The knowledge that I cannot simply beg for what I want and give Him nothing in return. Two realizations hit me then: the first, Heavenly Father never does anything, gives us any hardship or tragedy just to be mean or cruel. He loves me and He wants what's best for me, to teach me and to help me grow. I've known from how He treats me, personally, that He wants a personal relationship with me and even if I feel like I'm not in danger, He'll never let me lose sight of Him again. Other people say that Heavenly Father never forces Himself into our lives but that has not been my personal experience. He's constantly shoving me in the back of the shoulder if I turn my back on Him for even a second like, "Hey. Whatcha doin'? Are you listening?"
The second thing I realized was that the very next day was cyber Monday. You know, the day of online and computer sales after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. So, even as this inexplicable trial was handed to me, Heavenly Father also provided me with a way to easily and affordably find a solution. I would have preferred that my computer had not died but if it had to happen, I am incredibly grateful for the timing. My cousin, Mead, came over and helped me shop for a new laptop, helping me to get something that would be sufficient for my needs. I ended up replacing the old laptop under $200. It was supposed to arrive on the 12th of December but came a little earlier, which I am also grateful for.
I don't know why He broke my computer. It had been fine with no signs of distress or like it was in trouble, so, there is no doubt in my mind that what happened to it was divine intervention. It could have been as simple as a wake up call that the road of ambivalence and laziness I was on needed to be stopped now, before I start school. Whatever the reason, I am thankful that it happened because it shook me up enough to realize the parts of my life that I've been neglecting. Sometimes, you think you're awake and only realize how deeply you were dreaming once you finally do wake up.
As you may have heard, I finally got into my own apartment. I remember writing and planning for this when we first moved here and being anxious about it and putting a deadline on it of a year. Now, 5 months later, sitting in my own room in the new place, I wonder at the anxiety I felt. All the times the Adversary whispered in my ear all the things I cannot do, making me feel so uncertain about the future. To be honest, I was only a little sad to leave my aunt and uncle's house. I miss their support and love being so close at hand but I do not miss the 45 minute walk to work. Now, I only walk 20 minutes to work. I do love walking and appreciated the exercise but it was basically almost 2 hours out of every day where I was just walking. It took extra energy out of my days just to plan the day around my long walks. So, imagine the relief and the weight off my shoulders now, the freedom and extra time to do what I want. A last minute trip to Broulim's now is less a consideration of how late do I want to get home and more accessible now.
My new roommates are the best I could have asked for. Angela is very confident, down-to-earth, and service-oriented. Jessica is very laid-back, sweet, and friendly. I like to chill some evenings after work and talk to her. I moved in on the last Wednesday of November and immediately started saying my daily prayers and reading my scriptures. Because of my computer breaking, I was anxious about the contract for the other place I still needed to get rid of. I had been posting ads for it on different Facebook groups and before the holiday, one gal had expressed interest in it. I decided not to bug people about it until after Thanksgiving but when my computer died that weekend, I decided I didn't want to follow-up until I could do something about it. Like, if it turned out she wasn't going to take it after all, I wanted to be able to post the ads on Facebook again. Since the laptop wasn't going to come until the 12th and my mini ipad doesn't like to do things, I also ordered a Fire 7 which is Amazon's tablet.
One of the first revelatory experiences I had as a result of opening those communication lines with Heavenly Father again was when my new tablet arrived. I specifically ordered it because I knew it would get here sooner than the computer and I could specifically post to the FB groups and keep up with interest in someone buying the winter contract. My aunt Wendy informed me that the tablet had arrived on Friday, so, I made the long trek up the hill to their place to retrieve it. As I was visiting with them, the new tablet safely tucked in my backpack, I got a text message from the manager of the BYU approved housing I had the contract for, telling me that the gal who'd originally expressed interest had turned in her contract. I was free of this burden...right exactly when I needed to be.
You cannot know the stress I felt while trying to get someone to take over that contract before January, especially when it was such a good deal but everyone kept falling through. To explain it, it's a little complicated but never before have I had a prayer answered so...neatly. Literally, the tablet was only ordered so I could repost the ads and the moment I have my hands on it, my phone chimes with that news. After I had reopened the communication lines and began putting in the maintenance work to keep myself open to Heavenly Father's Spirit. How could these things not be directly related and consequences of each other? I knew what I was supposed to be doing and as soon as I did, I am told in the most direct way possible that what I am doing is right.
I testify to you that I know this church is true and that Heavenly Father is heavily involved in our lives. I know He loves and knows each and every one of us individually and that He only ever wants what's best for us. I know that the scriptures are true and that reading them will bring us closer to Him and bring joy and meaning to our lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
One of the biggest things that helps to build and strengthen my testimony is having that stark contrast, clear in my mind, how I feel disconnected and unrooted from my life when I am not diligently doing what I should and then when I start up again, all of a sudden, He starts talking to me and touching my life in direct ways. I haven't fallen, but in the past 5 months, I've probably said a total of 10 private prayers and opened my scriptures about 3 times. At first, it was because I was working so much but then I just kept making excuses and got lazy about it.
I thought it'd be ok. I'm here in Rexburg, I was living with family who have the Spirit strong in their home and I was able to go to church more regularly. School would be starting soon and I was sure that things would be better, that as soon as classes started, my diligence and willpower would magically return. Until then, it wasn't like I was in any real danger. I could afford to relax for a couple more months and then throw myself into spiritual living when it was time to get to work. Sounds like the recipe for flirting with disaster.
I was able to secure for myself an apartment contract for BYU approved housing back in October. Thinking it over, I realized that I really didn't want to share a room with a young 20-something, and since I am 30 and have the option to live in non-approved housing, I decided to search for something else. I found the perfect place, with affordable rent and a good location and went ahead and expressed my interest. Belatedly, I realized that I was still responsible for the contract I signed for the other place. So, I spent a lot of October and November trying to sell the contract for the winter semester and stressing about not getting it off my hands by January.
As the end of November came closer, I had to schedule to meet up with the gals for the new apartment I wanted, in order to sign a lease with them. They scheduled it for Monday, the 27th, at 4, which overlapped with my shift at work. When you call off or can't come in for a shift at my work, they force you to make up those hours on a different day. I have Fridays and most Sundays off, but I wanted to leave Friday open, just in case things didn't work out for moving in on Wednesday, that I'd still have a day where we could spend all day moving things if needed. So, I switched Mondays shift with Sunday, the 26th. I didn't want to but at this point, with the small distance that had grown between me and Heavenly Father, I didn't really trust that 'things would work out as they needed to' so I felt like I didn't have many options. It ended up being one of my few prayers during this time where I asked for His understanding. I went home that Saturday after work and got a text from work saying that only people trained on NRC needed to come in on Sunday. ...well, I'm not trained on NRC yet. Since I specifically switched things around, I called just to make sure and my supervisor confirmed it: I had BOTH Sunday and Monday off!
This was the first time in a while that I'd had a prayer answered like this, so, you can bet He had my attention. I felt that if I was given this Sunday, then there must be some message I was supposed to hear and listen to. With that mindset, I went to church, listening to all of the talks and lessons with my heart open. Nothing really stood out to me and I never had that familiar feeling of people's words being used to talk specifically to me. After that, I forgot about it and went to dinner with my family to the house of some old missionary friends we knew from back east.
It was still fairly early in the evening when we got home so I decided to call home and talk to my siblings. I was on my laptop, writing a silly story with a friend of mine and set it aside, closing it, while I talked to my brother Ben for an hour. After reporting news to my aunt Wendy, I returned to my room and picked up my laptop, opening it. The screen remained black. All the lights were on but the screen was non-responsive. I tried everything to wake it back up again, pushing buttons, unplugging it and moving to different rooms. Nothing. It remained black with the power light on. With no previous sign of being in any trouble, my 3 year old lappy was officially dead.
With only a month left before school starts, I started to freak out. I cried and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to not take my computer, something I'd desperately need for school. Even amidst my frustration, I felt a familiar feelings, something I felt when on my knees the September before last. The knowledge that I cannot simply beg for what I want and give Him nothing in return. Two realizations hit me then: the first, Heavenly Father never does anything, gives us any hardship or tragedy just to be mean or cruel. He loves me and He wants what's best for me, to teach me and to help me grow. I've known from how He treats me, personally, that He wants a personal relationship with me and even if I feel like I'm not in danger, He'll never let me lose sight of Him again. Other people say that Heavenly Father never forces Himself into our lives but that has not been my personal experience. He's constantly shoving me in the back of the shoulder if I turn my back on Him for even a second like, "Hey. Whatcha doin'? Are you listening?"
The second thing I realized was that the very next day was cyber Monday. You know, the day of online and computer sales after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. So, even as this inexplicable trial was handed to me, Heavenly Father also provided me with a way to easily and affordably find a solution. I would have preferred that my computer had not died but if it had to happen, I am incredibly grateful for the timing. My cousin, Mead, came over and helped me shop for a new laptop, helping me to get something that would be sufficient for my needs. I ended up replacing the old laptop under $200. It was supposed to arrive on the 12th of December but came a little earlier, which I am also grateful for.
I don't know why He broke my computer. It had been fine with no signs of distress or like it was in trouble, so, there is no doubt in my mind that what happened to it was divine intervention. It could have been as simple as a wake up call that the road of ambivalence and laziness I was on needed to be stopped now, before I start school. Whatever the reason, I am thankful that it happened because it shook me up enough to realize the parts of my life that I've been neglecting. Sometimes, you think you're awake and only realize how deeply you were dreaming once you finally do wake up.
As you may have heard, I finally got into my own apartment. I remember writing and planning for this when we first moved here and being anxious about it and putting a deadline on it of a year. Now, 5 months later, sitting in my own room in the new place, I wonder at the anxiety I felt. All the times the Adversary whispered in my ear all the things I cannot do, making me feel so uncertain about the future. To be honest, I was only a little sad to leave my aunt and uncle's house. I miss their support and love being so close at hand but I do not miss the 45 minute walk to work. Now, I only walk 20 minutes to work. I do love walking and appreciated the exercise but it was basically almost 2 hours out of every day where I was just walking. It took extra energy out of my days just to plan the day around my long walks. So, imagine the relief and the weight off my shoulders now, the freedom and extra time to do what I want. A last minute trip to Broulim's now is less a consideration of how late do I want to get home and more accessible now.
My new roommates are the best I could have asked for. Angela is very confident, down-to-earth, and service-oriented. Jessica is very laid-back, sweet, and friendly. I like to chill some evenings after work and talk to her. I moved in on the last Wednesday of November and immediately started saying my daily prayers and reading my scriptures. Because of my computer breaking, I was anxious about the contract for the other place I still needed to get rid of. I had been posting ads for it on different Facebook groups and before the holiday, one gal had expressed interest in it. I decided not to bug people about it until after Thanksgiving but when my computer died that weekend, I decided I didn't want to follow-up until I could do something about it. Like, if it turned out she wasn't going to take it after all, I wanted to be able to post the ads on Facebook again. Since the laptop wasn't going to come until the 12th and my mini ipad doesn't like to do things, I also ordered a Fire 7 which is Amazon's tablet.
One of the first revelatory experiences I had as a result of opening those communication lines with Heavenly Father again was when my new tablet arrived. I specifically ordered it because I knew it would get here sooner than the computer and I could specifically post to the FB groups and keep up with interest in someone buying the winter contract. My aunt Wendy informed me that the tablet had arrived on Friday, so, I made the long trek up the hill to their place to retrieve it. As I was visiting with them, the new tablet safely tucked in my backpack, I got a text message from the manager of the BYU approved housing I had the contract for, telling me that the gal who'd originally expressed interest had turned in her contract. I was free of this burden...right exactly when I needed to be.
You cannot know the stress I felt while trying to get someone to take over that contract before January, especially when it was such a good deal but everyone kept falling through. To explain it, it's a little complicated but never before have I had a prayer answered so...neatly. Literally, the tablet was only ordered so I could repost the ads and the moment I have my hands on it, my phone chimes with that news. After I had reopened the communication lines and began putting in the maintenance work to keep myself open to Heavenly Father's Spirit. How could these things not be directly related and consequences of each other? I knew what I was supposed to be doing and as soon as I did, I am told in the most direct way possible that what I am doing is right.
I testify to you that I know this church is true and that Heavenly Father is heavily involved in our lives. I know He loves and knows each and every one of us individually and that He only ever wants what's best for us. I know that the scriptures are true and that reading them will bring us closer to Him and bring joy and meaning to our lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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