The Contract

When I started this blog, I wasn't really sure what I wanted it to be. A chronicling of my life? A series of updates about art projects and writing projects? Eventually, its purpose became clear to me as more and more I began to use the church related tags. This blog is my testimony, a chronicling of my spiritual journey and all of the ways I can see God in my life. Because even as it happens to me, even as I describe these events to you, I am shocked and humbled by His attention. Sometimes, with how direct His influence has been, I feel like I'm writing a fantasy story with me as the main character, yet these things are true and I want you to be able to see what I see. To see and feel clearly what He has done. I finally have access to a computer after two weeks, so, we're a little behind. Because, of course, those two weeks were chosen for some of the most influential personal revelations I've had since I moved to Rexburg. To keep you from having to read novels, I'll do these in parts to help you catch up.

One of the biggest things that helps to build and strengthen my testimony is having that stark contrast, clear in my mind, how I feel disconnected and unrooted from my life when I am not diligently doing what I should and then when I start up again, all of a sudden, He starts talking to me and touching my life in direct ways. I haven't fallen, but in the past 5 months, I've probably said a total of 10 private prayers and opened my scriptures about 3 times. At first, it was because I was working so much but then I just kept making excuses and got lazy about it.

I thought it'd be ok. I'm here in Rexburg, I was living with family who have the Spirit strong in their home and I was able to go to church more regularly. School would be starting soon and I was sure that things would be better, that as soon as classes started, my diligence and willpower would magically return. Until then, it wasn't like I was in any real danger. I could afford to relax for a couple more months and then throw myself into spiritual living when it was time to get to work. Sounds like the recipe for flirting with disaster.

I was able to secure for myself an apartment contract for BYU approved housing back in October. Thinking it over, I realized that I really didn't want to share a room with a young 20-something, and since I am 30 and have the option to live in non-approved housing, I decided to search for something else. I found the perfect place, with affordable rent and a good location and went ahead and expressed my interest. Belatedly, I realized that I was still responsible for the contract I signed for the other place. So, I spent a lot of October and November trying to sell the contract for the winter semester and stressing about not getting it off my hands by January.

As the end of November came closer, I had to schedule to meet up with the gals for the new apartment I wanted, in order to sign a lease with them. They scheduled it for Monday, the 27th, at 4, which overlapped with my shift at work. When you call off or can't come in for a shift at my work, they force you to make up those hours on a different day. I have Fridays and most Sundays off, but I wanted to leave Friday open, just in case things didn't work out for moving in on Wednesday, that I'd still have a day where we could spend all day moving things if needed. So, I switched Mondays shift with Sunday, the 26th. I didn't want to but at this point, with the small distance that had grown between me and Heavenly Father, I didn't really trust that 'things would work out as they needed to' so I felt like I didn't have many options. It ended up being one of my few prayers during this time where I asked for His understanding. I went home that Saturday after work and got a text from work saying that only people trained on NRC needed to come in on Sunday. ...well, I'm not trained on NRC yet. Since I specifically switched things around, I called just to make sure and my supervisor confirmed it: I had BOTH Sunday and Monday off!

This was the first time in a while that I'd had a prayer answered like this, so, you can bet He had my attention. I felt that if I was given this Sunday, then there must be some message I was supposed to hear and listen to. With that mindset, I went to church, listening to all of the talks and lessons with my heart open. Nothing really stood out to me and I never had that familiar feeling of people's words being used to talk specifically to me. After that, I forgot about it and went to dinner with my family to the house of some old missionary friends we knew from back east.

It was still fairly early in the evening when we got home so I decided to call home and talk to my siblings. I was on my laptop, writing a silly story with a friend of mine and set it aside, closing it, while I talked to my brother Ben for an hour. After reporting news to my aunt Wendy, I returned to my room and picked up my laptop, opening it. The screen remained black. All the lights were on but the screen was non-responsive. I tried everything to wake it back up again, pushing buttons, unplugging it and moving to different rooms. Nothing. It remained black with the power light on. With no previous sign of being in any trouble, my 3 year old lappy was officially dead.

With only a month left before school starts, I started to freak out. I cried and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to not take my computer, something I'd desperately need for school. Even amidst my frustration, I felt a familiar feelings, something I felt when on my knees the September before last. The knowledge that I cannot simply beg for what I want and give Him nothing in return. Two realizations hit me then: the first, Heavenly Father never does anything, gives us any hardship or tragedy just to be mean or cruel. He loves me and He wants what's best for me, to teach me and to help me grow. I've known from how He treats me, personally, that He wants a personal relationship with me and even if I feel like I'm not in danger, He'll never let me lose sight of Him again. Other people say that Heavenly Father never forces Himself into our lives but that has not been my personal experience. He's constantly shoving me in the back of the shoulder if I turn my back on Him for even a second like, "Hey. Whatcha doin'? Are you listening?"

The second thing I realized was that the very next day was cyber Monday. You know, the day of online and computer sales after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. So, even as this inexplicable trial was handed to me, Heavenly Father also provided me with a way to easily and affordably find a solution. I would have preferred that my computer had not died but if it had to happen, I am incredibly grateful for the timing. My cousin, Mead, came over and helped me shop for a new laptop, helping me to get something that would be sufficient for my needs. I ended up replacing the old laptop under $200. It was supposed to arrive on the 12th of December but came a little earlier, which I am also grateful for.

I don't know why He broke my computer. It had been fine with no signs of distress or like it was in trouble, so, there is no doubt in my mind that what happened to it was divine intervention. It could have been as simple as a wake up call that the road of ambivalence and laziness I was on needed to be stopped now, before I start school. Whatever the reason, I am thankful that it happened because it shook me up enough to realize the parts of my life that I've been neglecting. Sometimes, you think you're awake and only realize how deeply you were dreaming once you finally do wake up.

As you may have heard, I finally got into my own apartment. I remember writing and planning for this when we first moved here and being anxious about it and putting a deadline on it of a year. Now, 5 months later, sitting in my own room in the new place, I wonder at the anxiety I felt. All the times the Adversary whispered in my ear all the things I cannot do, making me feel so uncertain about the future. To be honest, I was only a little sad to leave my aunt and uncle's house. I miss their support and love being so close at hand but I do not miss the 45 minute walk to work. Now, I only walk 20 minutes to work. I do love walking and appreciated the exercise but it was basically almost 2 hours out of every day where I was just walking. It took extra energy out of my days just to plan the day around my long walks. So, imagine the relief and the weight off my shoulders now, the freedom and extra time to do what I want. A last minute trip to Broulim's now is less a consideration of how late do I want to get home and more accessible now.

My new roommates are the best I could have asked for. Angela is very confident, down-to-earth, and service-oriented. Jessica is very laid-back, sweet, and friendly. I like to chill some evenings after work and talk to her. I moved in on the last Wednesday of November and immediately started saying my daily prayers and reading my scriptures. Because of my computer breaking, I was anxious about the contract for the other place I still needed to get rid of. I had been posting ads for it on different Facebook groups and before the holiday, one gal had expressed interest in it. I decided not to bug people about it until after Thanksgiving but when my computer died that weekend, I decided I didn't want to follow-up until I could do something about it. Like, if it turned out she wasn't going to take it after all, I wanted to be able to post the ads on Facebook again. Since the laptop wasn't going to come until the 12th and my mini ipad doesn't like to do things, I also ordered a Fire 7 which is Amazon's tablet.

One of the first revelatory experiences I had as a result of opening those communication lines with Heavenly Father again was when my new tablet arrived. I specifically ordered it because I knew it would get here sooner than the computer and I could specifically post to the FB groups and keep up with interest in someone buying the winter contract. My aunt Wendy informed me that the tablet had arrived on Friday, so, I made the long trek up the hill to their place to retrieve it. As I was visiting with them, the new tablet safely tucked in my backpack, I got a text message from the manager of the BYU approved housing I had the contract for, telling me that the gal who'd originally expressed interest had turned in her contract. I was free of this burden...right exactly when I needed to be.

You cannot know the stress I felt while trying to get someone to take over that contract before January, especially when it was such a good deal but everyone kept falling through. To explain it, it's a little complicated but never before have I had a prayer answered so...neatly. Literally, the tablet was only ordered so I could repost the ads and the moment I have my hands on it, my phone chimes with that news. After I had reopened the communication lines and began putting in the maintenance work to keep myself open to Heavenly Father's Spirit. How could these things not be directly related and consequences of each other? I knew what I was supposed to be doing and as soon as I did, I am told in the most direct way possible that what I am doing is right.

I testify to you that I know this church is true and that Heavenly Father is heavily involved in our lives. I know He loves and knows each and every one of us individually and that He only ever wants what's best for us. I know that the scriptures are true and that reading them will bring us closer to Him and bring joy and meaning to our lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.