The Major Issue

Were you all saying prayers for me? Because I feel like mine and yours, together, worked! The last couple of weeks have been wonderful and those financial troubles that popped up before? Yeah, cleared up. Just like that. All I needed to do was to wait for the Lord's timetable to reveal itself.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I've been thinking about 3 Nephi, the section of the Book of Mormon where Christ visits the Americas after his resurrection. I think chapter 17 is my favorite because it just hit me so special and suddenly while reading it over the past week. Christ comes and teaches the Nephites and as he's getting ready to say his good byes and ascend again, he can see the people crying and that they don't want him to leave yet. So, moved with compassion, he asks them to bring their sick and afflicted and he heals them. Then he asks them to bring their children and he teaches them. And after, he cries as well, and I wonder why.

At first, I thought, possibly, it was because he wasn't ready to go yet either. But the more I thought about it, I thought of how much the Nephites clung to him during this time. They could feel his spirit so strongly because he was right there with them and he must have been proud of them for the choices they were willing to make, how this event changed them. But then there must have been sadness too, knowing that once he was gone, they would forget him. That their struggles and temptations would come back more important. And I think about how bittersweet that moment must have been for him.

I think about the Nephites too and my own life. At one point, he says he's going to return on a specific day at a specific location and once he's gone, word spreads of this upcoming event. And Nephites from all over traveled this distance all through the night in order to get there in time to see him. I think about the crying Nephites and how it feels when I struggle, about their dedication and love for the Savior. I think about where my love is on the scale and how much dedication that I am willing to show to him.

I've been struggling ever since I got here to find something to use my gifts for. I'm going to have a good chunk of debt by graduation(around $20,000 or so, but doable to pay off with a 3-4 year plan) so I'm trying to find a goal, a career, that will be worth it. Knowing that the tuition costs are subsidized by tithing from the members of the church puts an even greater responsibility on my shoulders.

Originally, my idea was to come here and get training to be an artist. But to be honest, the demand for painterly artists who just sell their work is low. Even at the best, my wildest dreams, I really have to consider what someone like David Bowman makes and look at the path of how he got to where he is. And commission work is so spotty, it does not fit the plan of self-reliance and independence that I want. Could I work at a call center AND be an artist on the side and live off of that? Yes. But I don't want to work at a call center past the time I need a cash flow during school. I want a career. Otherwise, what is all the debt for?

Finding it much more viable and lucrative(and something I'm just as passionate about), I thought, "Okay. I'll be a writer." Because that could lead to absolutely anything. I could intern at Deseret Industries or the LDS Church, write articles and blogs and things like that. Get into the industry, edit new novels and write my own.

That's still a possibility but as my friend, Andrew, recently posted on his blog, and I actually had a similar realization these past couple of weeks about the writing craft: it's very ego-driven. Can you help people with the worlds you create and the words you put down? Of course. I have been heavily impacted by writers of gospel topics who framed things in just the right way to open my mind and perception. But as someone who takes validation very seriously(seriously, it's pathetic how many times people on the phones at work can just ruin my life because they are annoyed I called them at dinner) I think that pride and narcissism are problems that I have. I have a lot invested in feeling important, in being valuable to other people, in my creations being worth something to others.

I'm not saying that I don't want to be a writer but in trying to think, "What will bring me closest to Christ? What will enable me to bring more people closer to Christ?" I feel less and less confident about writing as my end goal. I keep coming back to the Plan of Salvation and why we're here. Yes, it would be so much fun to sit and write books that tantalize the imaginations of people and inspire them. But I can't help feeling a sense of "wrongness" about it. I don't think that's what I'm here to do.

I don't know exactly yet and my goal for this year is to take as many generals and foundations as possible, and spend the off-track praying and fasting about this, so, next year's semesters I can start taking classes with a definite goal in mind. But here's what has happened. First: Last year, service has been imprinted in my mind as something worthy of making time for. The most fulfilling tasks I can do in this life is to serve others as an expression of my love for them and my faith in Christ.

Second, the people I interact with who have my major all want to be teachers. Nobody else wants to be writers like me, that I know or have talked to. It keeps coming up, almost like someone is intentionally bugging me about it. Either someone who's an English major gets introduced to me and they talk about going into teaching, or when I say I'm an English major, they ask, "Oh, are you going to be a teacher?" Lately, everyone I encounter, at work, at church, and at school, they're all either Engineers, Nurses, or Teachers for majors.

Third, recently, one of my supervisors told me that I have a very peaceful and calming nature about me. I'm sitting over here like a ball of anxiety and insecurity like, "Lolwut?" But it's something that people have said about me before. And I do recognize that I take on the peacemaker role very often, that drama often sidesteps me because I'm just not aware of it until it directly involves me, and I have a desire to nurture. To love and be loved. My name does mean "lovable" after all.

Fourth, also at work, very recently, one of my supervisors sat a newb next to me. It was his first day on the phones and he was so adorable not having a clue how things worked. Very often, he looked to me with questions and asking for help and tips, and with patience and warmth in my heart, I catered to him. This is the point that I really got the feeling that the Lord was trying to tell me something about my future and career path. Because even as I realized how much I enjoyed nurturing him and helping him, I remembered this feeling. Back when I worked for Price Chopper they had me train new employees all of the time and I loved that. And even as recently as September, I trained new people at Super 8. When I know what I am teaching and I have confidence in the material, I am very good at bringing others up to speed.

Finally, fifth, I think about a life of service and being a good steward of this education I have and will continue to receive. My first reaction upon realizing that I might have to change my focus was disgust and revulsion and "DO NOT WANT!" When I sat down to analyze why exactly I was so opposed to becoming a teacher, it came down to two things.

1. I hate teachers. I have a strong bias against teachers from my own personally experiences growing up. They diagnosed me with ADD at a young age but looking back, I think it could have just been a case of "Your curriculum does not fit with my creative mind" my boredom misinterpreted as an inability to pay attention. Because I'm fine now. Magic adulthood has cured me of ADD. Anyways, a lot of my teachers were not sympathetic, were not helpful and even said things that I took to heart, that continued to define me into adulthood. Things like, "Art isn't a real career" or how difficult I was being by not being teachable in math and science, making me feel like now Math class is my nemesis and it's an entity that is deliberately trying to destroy my life.

The only positive experiences I had with teachers that really stick out in my mind were my English and Reading teachers. They just awoke that passion for the written word inside me and nurtured the heck out of it, so, that now, it's where I feel safest, it's what I have the most passion for.

2. It'll be hard work. Cutting through the willy nilly and all my feelings about teachers, this is what it comes down to. It will challenge me to become a teacher, not only for the schooling I will have to go through but also the job itself. With the current climate, politically and socially in this country, if I were a parent, I'd be reluctant to send my kid to school just for the way things are being framed from their side of things. Teachers have a lot of power in the lives of children and thus a lot of responsibility. And there's a lot you can't do or so to cross lines because in the end, those are not your kids, even if you grow attached and feel like they are.

But there is a break down in the family going on right now. The soldiers who fight to maintain those core values are growing fewer and farther between. From what I've learned in my Eternal Family class, family is the whole point of the Plan of Salvation. It's detailed and everything but the bottom line is that family is why we're here. We cannot lose this connection to each other. And I forget the scripture but there's something about how if the mother and father fail in their duties, then it is up to others to pick up the slack for the teaching of the children. We will be held accountable along with the parents if we stand by and do nothing.

I also thought of how hypocritical that is. Here I am, coming out here to challenge myself, to be refined by trials and hard work, and I balk at a plan that is being presented to me because it'll take me out of my comfort zone. Looking at my Grad Plan and the classes I have set out for my creative writing focus, all of them sound fun, super interesting, and easy. Read a book and analyze it? Boom, got it. Write a short story? Boom, got it. Edit a paper? Grammar sucks but I know the rules. But then we go: Teach a class? I'mma hide over here.

...So, that's the current issue on the table. How to make this education worth it to God and myself. How to best become His hands using this education. And the good thing about it is, being a teacher would leave me plenty of time to write as well, so, just sayin. Now I just need to figure out if I want to be an art teacher or an English teacher, lol.

What Lack I Yet? ...Lots

This has not been a good week. Or it has and I'm just being tested, depending on your perspective.

My time management went to heck by Thursday and I was starting to run behind on my school assignments. Having a nice chunk of money from the Pell Grant left over, and realizing that 1. working on Sundays was probably not, spiritually, a good plan and 2. That working at all was seriously taking a lot of time from school work, I came up with the ingenious plan to put in my two weeks and just start working again after the spring semester is over.

I know the Lord does not want me to do this because an hour after I finished a budget for the rest of the grant money that would enable me to live for the next 2-3 months...Angela comes home and tells me about some unfortunate circumstances relating to last months rent and some fees that we have to deal with. ...so, with everything so uncertain for the future, it would be highly irresponsible to quit my secure job right now. Included in my budget plan was the plan to go after a campus job, which I acknowledge would give me less(yet manageable) hours and severely reduce my cash flow, while still providing me with some. But with the job at SSI, I am making just enough to keep up financially as it is. No matter how you slice it, I cannot leave that job for a lesser pay right now.

So, that's made me feel overwhelmed and anxious over the last little while. The struggle to get everything done school-wise amidst this drama AND working on top of it, feeling like my options are extremely limited. But then I've been feeling rather low about my own capabilities as a servant of the Lord.

The last couple of Tuesdays when I've joined my fellow ward missionaries, my companion, Maeve and I, haven't been able to do much. The people we visit are not available and as we search for more work to be done, there isn't any. She and I stayed behind and talked last Tuesday and although it was nice to get to know Maeve better, I felt incredibly useless as everyone else returned and described an evening of service and fellowshipping. I got excited this Thursday when she and I were going to make an in the middle of the week visit but we struck out again as the person could not be found.

And I was asked to teach Gospel Principles today. I prepared for that this week, knowing it was likely I would be needed. But I do not feel like it went well. First, I ended 10 minutes early. Second, I included a reference to the Mike Myers movie, Cat in the Hat(it felt like a good idea when I was planning the lesson but standing there asking if anybody had seen it and mentioning the cupcakeinator, I felt like the Spirit probably left the room because of my foolishness; it wasn't a reverent movie and I shouldn't have brought it up). Third, I had everyone read Genesis chapter 1, to go through the process of the creation but it didn't connect or land well and Finally sometimes when people made comments, my mind went blank and I had nothing to respond to it with. No way to carry that forward in a discussion or validating people for their input.

I know that right now, I'm feeling particularly sensitive and stressed and that there is an element of unreasonableness about my criticisms. I know that the lesson wasn't about me and I pray, that with my immaturity and fumbling, that someone felt the Spirit impart something they needed. Because that is the true teacher and ultimately, I am merely supposed to be a vehicle for it to work and enter the room.

I also know this is a big fat pity party in here right now. The only reason I'm even spending this much time on detailing these trials and tribulations is because I have faith. It's one thing that has never left me, the understanding that my Father in Heaven loves me and He only wants what is best for me, even when I, personally, feel like life is being unfair or uncomfortable. I know that He is busy teaching me, that He wants to bring me closer to Him, and that through all of this...He believes I can overcome it and He is willing to help me if I ask Him.

I cannot see the end to these troubling, stressful times, but I post this in hopes that we can share, together, in something beautiful and faith-affirming, when further down the line, things happen and we can look back on these things and realize what it meant. When I can realize what I was being prepared for. I know that Jesus Christ lives and that He is my Savior and I am grateful for these challenges and opportunities to grow, to draw closer to Him as I learn to lean on and depend on him, even though I probably don't sound very grateful at the moment.

I am also extremely grateful to my roommate, Angela, and her strength and companionship during this time. And I am grateful for Maeve in giving me the opportunity to serve with her, and to teach a Sunday school lesson. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Math is for Heathens

I should be doing homework right now but I thought I'd update this for now, since I haven't really posted since school started. As far as how I would categorize my feelings towards schooling, I try to be respectful, in saying that I am a steward of this education I am receiving and I can feel myself changing as I am challenged and put under pressure.

I dislike Math for the Real World so much though. I'm sorry. ;_; I am not going to use this. I have been budgeting since I moved out here and got a job; I know how to quantitatively reason my way through decisions about big purchases, and I haven't used Algebra in 12 years. So, it feels like I'm going backwards to take this class, because it breaks down the quantitative stuff, confuses you with word problems, and then trains you to use Excel, even though a simple checkbook could provide the same function.

The first day I had the class felt like taking a baseball bat to the shins. I was so ready to be optimistic about it and try my best. Until my teacher put an Algebra problem on the board and told the class to solve it. I sat there, watching the people around me writing on their papers, using their calculators, all the while I could not for the life of me remember what the heck I was even supposed to do with the numbers on the board. Were we counting? Was that what that meant? Was this a "fingers applicable" situation?

It was incredibly demoralizing, and I couldn't help embracing the sense of failure that settled onto my shoulders, considering the fact it was the FIRST day of the class and I was already lost. What was I doing here? What was I going to do? I took special ed in middle school JUST for math and I remember taking 2 pre-Algebra classes in high school before I took the actual Algebra. I am a frigging idiot baby when it comes to math ANYTHING. How was I going to survive this college course? I was going to fail. Maybe it meant I wasn't cut out for college period.

On and on it went. And to make matters worse, it was raining that Tuesday, so, my sneakers were soaked and I just felt wholly depressed and defeated. As I went to work that afternoon, I debated whether or not to go to the ward missionary thing we do every Tuesday night. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I was so depressed, I would probably not be very good at supporting anyone else. Oh look, something else I fail at.

At that moment, a spark of defensiveness lit up inside me. I partially blame the ward missionary group I hang out with and how much they inspire me to do good for others. The rest of it, I blame on the Spirit, which I have come to recognize as being present when we go out Tuesday nights fellowshipping. Anyway, my defensiveness clung to this Tuesday event as something I didn't want to give up on or cheap out on. "No! This is exactly the time to be doing service!" Realizing I'd spent enough time focusing on myself for the day, I sang an angry version of Nephi's Courage, drew a silly doodle of myself, and then made plans to contact my cousin Mead, who is an Engineering major, to help me reboot my brain about Algebra.

It is one thing to know the platitudes: service brings us out of ourselves; faith is an action word; moving forward is problem solving, etc. But in the situation, when math is making you cry and your sneakers are filled with water and you just don't feel good enough...it is so hard to remember who you are and why you are here. To remember those platitudes. It's one thing I can be proud of though, that in that moment, I learned a lesson by putting those sayings into action. Not only that but I've started a habit - through positive reinforcement and remembering how I handled this moment of vulnerability and weakness, I have something to build upon next time.

Math still continues to make me cry occasionally but I haven't gotten stuck again like I did that day. And I hunt for and search for those opportunities to do service.

All the other classes I have are fine. English 101 is my fav this semester. I'm sure I won't be saying that when we have to write an "informative" paper and I have to report the facts in an unbiased manner. But for now, it is my favorite. And already, I've gotten feedback from my classmates and the TA that I'm a really good writer or something. Here I am, desperate for some criticism and totally ready to be refined and judged and the only thing anybody can do is tell me I don't know how to use commas. Yeah, sure. But what about my coherence or entertainment value? Is it interesting to read? Can you understand it? Where is the writing weak? As I said, this is the honeymoon period and I'll have a rude awakening when people stop stroking my ego. XD How unfair everything will feel THAT day!

My roommate Angela is my new best friend. I really admire her a lot and I love hanging out with her. We watch M.A.S.H. and make food together and she's very active with church and it encourages me so much to do better to get involved. We all have things we need work on, I'm sure, but what I see and what I watch her do, inspires me to work on those things I need to be better at. She is so ready to help out. Everywhere we go, she's not a part of the committee or whatever but she's helping set up and helping clean up. I need to work on making these habits mine, because it's still an afterthought with me or something that I sit there and debate("Hmmm, should I sit...or should I help make sure all these tables have water, like those other people are doing? ...I really feel like sitting....but those tables need water...").

Another person I've been watching closely lately is Maeve. She's the companion to Jason's ward mission leader(I forget what the position is called but they're supposed to be a pair in the calling, I know) and she's my companion on Tuesday nights when we visit people. She's very approachable and friendly but also there's an air of professionalism about her that I really appreciate. And she takes her calling seriously. I'm learning a lot from her and I try to say yes to things she asks of me, seeking after those learning opportunities. One thing she brought up to me recently that has really stuck in my mind is the idea of "making time" to do the Lord's work. Sometimes I feel so busy with school and my job, it is a struggle to find the time to do things for others. But I have been trying to look for hidden hours where I've been telling myself "I can't because" and filling it with those things that could go there. It might end up seeming strange to people that I clean the church on Saturdays for only 45 minutes before leaving to go to work but it is a hidden hour that I can give away.

I also feel inspired by my brother, who is on a mission in Scottsdale, Arizona right now. I didn't realize how much I would need the emails from him every week nor how much I would be learning from him or be affected by the work he is doing. But his kindness and willingness to serve the Lord, to teach people and to love them gets me pumped for the same things. That's what they say, isn't it? We're all supposed to be missionaries. Just reading about what he does, it makes me want to have experiences too, to look for those opportunities.

I am so grateful for this gospel in my life and for all the friends and family I have around me. If ever you need anything, please, let me know! I want to serve!