The Major Issue

Were you all saying prayers for me? Because I feel like mine and yours, together, worked! The last couple of weeks have been wonderful and those financial troubles that popped up before? Yeah, cleared up. Just like that. All I needed to do was to wait for the Lord's timetable to reveal itself.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I've been thinking about 3 Nephi, the section of the Book of Mormon where Christ visits the Americas after his resurrection. I think chapter 17 is my favorite because it just hit me so special and suddenly while reading it over the past week. Christ comes and teaches the Nephites and as he's getting ready to say his good byes and ascend again, he can see the people crying and that they don't want him to leave yet. So, moved with compassion, he asks them to bring their sick and afflicted and he heals them. Then he asks them to bring their children and he teaches them. And after, he cries as well, and I wonder why.

At first, I thought, possibly, it was because he wasn't ready to go yet either. But the more I thought about it, I thought of how much the Nephites clung to him during this time. They could feel his spirit so strongly because he was right there with them and he must have been proud of them for the choices they were willing to make, how this event changed them. But then there must have been sadness too, knowing that once he was gone, they would forget him. That their struggles and temptations would come back more important. And I think about how bittersweet that moment must have been for him.

I think about the Nephites too and my own life. At one point, he says he's going to return on a specific day at a specific location and once he's gone, word spreads of this upcoming event. And Nephites from all over traveled this distance all through the night in order to get there in time to see him. I think about the crying Nephites and how it feels when I struggle, about their dedication and love for the Savior. I think about where my love is on the scale and how much dedication that I am willing to show to him.

I've been struggling ever since I got here to find something to use my gifts for. I'm going to have a good chunk of debt by graduation(around $20,000 or so, but doable to pay off with a 3-4 year plan) so I'm trying to find a goal, a career, that will be worth it. Knowing that the tuition costs are subsidized by tithing from the members of the church puts an even greater responsibility on my shoulders.

Originally, my idea was to come here and get training to be an artist. But to be honest, the demand for painterly artists who just sell their work is low. Even at the best, my wildest dreams, I really have to consider what someone like David Bowman makes and look at the path of how he got to where he is. And commission work is so spotty, it does not fit the plan of self-reliance and independence that I want. Could I work at a call center AND be an artist on the side and live off of that? Yes. But I don't want to work at a call center past the time I need a cash flow during school. I want a career. Otherwise, what is all the debt for?

Finding it much more viable and lucrative(and something I'm just as passionate about), I thought, "Okay. I'll be a writer." Because that could lead to absolutely anything. I could intern at Deseret Industries or the LDS Church, write articles and blogs and things like that. Get into the industry, edit new novels and write my own.

That's still a possibility but as my friend, Andrew, recently posted on his blog, and I actually had a similar realization these past couple of weeks about the writing craft: it's very ego-driven. Can you help people with the worlds you create and the words you put down? Of course. I have been heavily impacted by writers of gospel topics who framed things in just the right way to open my mind and perception. But as someone who takes validation very seriously(seriously, it's pathetic how many times people on the phones at work can just ruin my life because they are annoyed I called them at dinner) I think that pride and narcissism are problems that I have. I have a lot invested in feeling important, in being valuable to other people, in my creations being worth something to others.

I'm not saying that I don't want to be a writer but in trying to think, "What will bring me closest to Christ? What will enable me to bring more people closer to Christ?" I feel less and less confident about writing as my end goal. I keep coming back to the Plan of Salvation and why we're here. Yes, it would be so much fun to sit and write books that tantalize the imaginations of people and inspire them. But I can't help feeling a sense of "wrongness" about it. I don't think that's what I'm here to do.

I don't know exactly yet and my goal for this year is to take as many generals and foundations as possible, and spend the off-track praying and fasting about this, so, next year's semesters I can start taking classes with a definite goal in mind. But here's what has happened. First: Last year, service has been imprinted in my mind as something worthy of making time for. The most fulfilling tasks I can do in this life is to serve others as an expression of my love for them and my faith in Christ.

Second, the people I interact with who have my major all want to be teachers. Nobody else wants to be writers like me, that I know or have talked to. It keeps coming up, almost like someone is intentionally bugging me about it. Either someone who's an English major gets introduced to me and they talk about going into teaching, or when I say I'm an English major, they ask, "Oh, are you going to be a teacher?" Lately, everyone I encounter, at work, at church, and at school, they're all either Engineers, Nurses, or Teachers for majors.

Third, recently, one of my supervisors told me that I have a very peaceful and calming nature about me. I'm sitting over here like a ball of anxiety and insecurity like, "Lolwut?" But it's something that people have said about me before. And I do recognize that I take on the peacemaker role very often, that drama often sidesteps me because I'm just not aware of it until it directly involves me, and I have a desire to nurture. To love and be loved. My name does mean "lovable" after all.

Fourth, also at work, very recently, one of my supervisors sat a newb next to me. It was his first day on the phones and he was so adorable not having a clue how things worked. Very often, he looked to me with questions and asking for help and tips, and with patience and warmth in my heart, I catered to him. This is the point that I really got the feeling that the Lord was trying to tell me something about my future and career path. Because even as I realized how much I enjoyed nurturing him and helping him, I remembered this feeling. Back when I worked for Price Chopper they had me train new employees all of the time and I loved that. And even as recently as September, I trained new people at Super 8. When I know what I am teaching and I have confidence in the material, I am very good at bringing others up to speed.

Finally, fifth, I think about a life of service and being a good steward of this education I have and will continue to receive. My first reaction upon realizing that I might have to change my focus was disgust and revulsion and "DO NOT WANT!" When I sat down to analyze why exactly I was so opposed to becoming a teacher, it came down to two things.

1. I hate teachers. I have a strong bias against teachers from my own personally experiences growing up. They diagnosed me with ADD at a young age but looking back, I think it could have just been a case of "Your curriculum does not fit with my creative mind" my boredom misinterpreted as an inability to pay attention. Because I'm fine now. Magic adulthood has cured me of ADD. Anyways, a lot of my teachers were not sympathetic, were not helpful and even said things that I took to heart, that continued to define me into adulthood. Things like, "Art isn't a real career" or how difficult I was being by not being teachable in math and science, making me feel like now Math class is my nemesis and it's an entity that is deliberately trying to destroy my life.

The only positive experiences I had with teachers that really stick out in my mind were my English and Reading teachers. They just awoke that passion for the written word inside me and nurtured the heck out of it, so, that now, it's where I feel safest, it's what I have the most passion for.

2. It'll be hard work. Cutting through the willy nilly and all my feelings about teachers, this is what it comes down to. It will challenge me to become a teacher, not only for the schooling I will have to go through but also the job itself. With the current climate, politically and socially in this country, if I were a parent, I'd be reluctant to send my kid to school just for the way things are being framed from their side of things. Teachers have a lot of power in the lives of children and thus a lot of responsibility. And there's a lot you can't do or so to cross lines because in the end, those are not your kids, even if you grow attached and feel like they are.

But there is a break down in the family going on right now. The soldiers who fight to maintain those core values are growing fewer and farther between. From what I've learned in my Eternal Family class, family is the whole point of the Plan of Salvation. It's detailed and everything but the bottom line is that family is why we're here. We cannot lose this connection to each other. And I forget the scripture but there's something about how if the mother and father fail in their duties, then it is up to others to pick up the slack for the teaching of the children. We will be held accountable along with the parents if we stand by and do nothing.

I also thought of how hypocritical that is. Here I am, coming out here to challenge myself, to be refined by trials and hard work, and I balk at a plan that is being presented to me because it'll take me out of my comfort zone. Looking at my Grad Plan and the classes I have set out for my creative writing focus, all of them sound fun, super interesting, and easy. Read a book and analyze it? Boom, got it. Write a short story? Boom, got it. Edit a paper? Grammar sucks but I know the rules. But then we go: Teach a class? I'mma hide over here.

...So, that's the current issue on the table. How to make this education worth it to God and myself. How to best become His hands using this education. And the good thing about it is, being a teacher would leave me plenty of time to write as well, so, just sayin. Now I just need to figure out if I want to be an art teacher or an English teacher, lol.