The Lease

So, I just moved into my very first apartment, which is a pretty big checkmark on my list of things to complete on my journey for independence. Apparently, the Lord is not done challenging me yet. The lease for my apartment is up for renewal in March and of course, I was planning on re-signing it. I want to give this place at least a year before I move again. Well, I found out last Saturday that both of my roommates will not be re-signing it with me. Angela for sure and Jessica maybe.

Within the lease, a tenant who is moving has the responsibility of filling their spot. Those who sign the "new" lease have the obligation of finding new tenants to sign the lease with them. Aka, me. You remember how stressed it made me trying to find someone to take that contract I didn't want? Yeah, that was my first reaction. My second was, "That's too much! I can't!" realizing, as I'd be the only one re-signing, I'd become the main and all of the utilities would be transferred to my name/control.

Not that I can't but that I never have before and it felt like a lot of responsibility to take on, not only to find 2 people to move in by March but taking over the utilities as well AND doing it all while I'm trying to finish my first semester of school(which is not happening right now but will be, come March). So, by Sunday morning, I was seriously considering NOT re-signing and just moving out with everybody else in March. Definitely not what I wanted to do and I was certainly feeling discontented, frustrated, and confused about it. There were a lot of prayers being said that morning because I simply didn't know what the right answer was.

In sacrament meeting, Nate gave a talk about depending on the Savior, citing the list of everything His Atonement covers in Alma 7. There were things in his talk that stood out to me, particularly how he started out talking about the pouty mood he can get in when facing trials, tribulations, or new changes. This rang true for me and what I was currently going through, so, he had my attention right from the start. Especially what he said after, that no matter what we go through, the one constant in our lives is the Savior.

He spoke about how we often hesitate to go to the Savior with our "small" problems because of this great thing that He did for us, we don't want to feel like a burden or it feels like these little insecurities and issues are too small to be worth His time. But one of the big points of this life is for us to learn how to trust in Jesus Christ completely and depend on Him. Nate also mentioned the passages in Matthew 11, where Christ talks about us taking His yoke upon us. Nate explained how we often think of a yoke as a harness on a beast of burden to pull a really heavy load. But in actuality, a yoke for oxen is usually something that is put on a pair of animals, not just one. So, when Christ tells us to put on His yoke, He's not telling us to do it alone or to carry our burdens and heavy load by ourselves. He is saying, "let me push with you; let me take that load with you."

In my journey for independence, I often feel like I have to do things alone. I mean...that's the whole point. And that may be true for my aunt and uncle, my cousins, my mom and dad, that being "on my own" means I shouldn't run to them for every little problem I have and instead rely on myself to make decisions. But I very frequently forget that this is not true for the Savior. My problem is exactly as Nate described: I hesitate to burden Christ with my issues because, you know, He's "busy" washing people clean of their sins. But His love for me extends beyond just needing to repent of things to get back onto the straight and narrow but also in dealing with the hardships that try to knock me OFF of that road.

I forget Brother Pyper's daughter's name and I think it is Brinlee. She also gave a talk that caught my attention, about the struggle to be perfect. Right away, she cited a feeling I'm familiar with, the putting off of important spiritual things because "I have time" and how staggering the difference is when she actually studies and commits her life to serving the Savior. This is the contrast I spoke of in my last couple of entries as I made the transition from laziness to diligent daily study and prayer, and I liked how Brinlee described this feeling as if she were "shining." I never visualized it that way but I know what she's talking about, how I feel...."awake." How I can hear with clarity, His words meant for me, how everywhere I look, suddenly, I see God's hand in everything. I know that He is always there and always involved, so, I know, in that time when I couldn't hear and couldn't feel Him, it was me that was "turned off."

I also liked the perspective Brinlee brought when she spoke of the hope she feels knowing that there's room for improvement in herself and her life. That the knowledge of eternal progression and moving forward made her feel more hopeful for the future than the times when she thinks she's got a handle on things. Because I know that feeling too, what it is like not to progress, not to move forward, to be standing still with no prospect for the future or any growth to go through. The desire for life ends at that point, because all life is about learning and growing and constantly sharing that with others and growing and learning from them.

Brinlee spoke of how frustrated and discouraged beginning musicians can get when they first start out on an instrument and they can't make the beautiful music they hear other, more experienced musicians play. She said that they learn early on that there is no such thing as a "perfect" performance and how there is always room for improvement and how they keep practicing all of their lives and still never reach perfection, that there's always something new to learn and evolve.

I didn't see how perfectly these messages fit for me until reviewing my notes this past week, which makes me grateful that I take notes during sacrament meeting. So, even with these clear impressions from Heavenly Father, I went to my aunt and uncle's house that evening, for the gift exchange/Christmas party, still with the idea that I'd be moving in March. Thankfully, my cousins and aunt, people who love me, were able to convince me to reconsider these moving plans. It's not that big of a deal and it's not that big of a burden to take on, honestly. The bigger burden would be trying to find a better deal than what I have right now and then still needing to find new roommates in a new place because this is frigging Rexburg and people are moving in and moving out constantly.

For now, my plan is to stay and become the main on the apartment account, to take Heavenly Father's challenge less as a trial and more as an endorsement...that He believes I can do it. Starting this January, I will be looking for new roommate(s) and knowing that my family support me and the Lord supports me, I'm excited and looking forward to these new experiences and opportunities to grow.

This call may be monitored...

So, you may have seen the pictures on Facebook from when I hurt my hand. I won't repost them here but I'll just tell you how it happened. When I moved into the new apartment, I got into the habit of first thing in the morning, reading my scriptures. I'm often too tired after I get home from work and if I get up in the morning and get into something else, it's hard to draw myself away from it to get to scriptures before I have to go to work. So first thing is what works for me.

Well, for some reason, on Sunday the 3rd of December, I got into my new favorite show, Grimm, first thing instead, with vague, mental promises to read my scriptures before I had to leave for church. You know how that goes, right? Especially when competing with a television show for relevance. So, I was listening to Grimm on my tablet and making myself a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. My roommate's can opener would not move forward with the turning of the lever BUT it would push the blade through the can when the handles were squeezed together. Like, you know how a can opener "locks" and pops the blade through the top of the can? Yeah, I just made it do that a bunch of times, putting the holes as close together as I could.

Sometimes, it wasn't close enough, so, there would still be small pieces of the lid keeping it closed. Some of them were easy to snap when I pried at it with a fork but others were keeping it closed. I thought if I pulled at the lid with my hand... Oh. Yeah. You can see where this is going and how foolish it was.

Thankfully, Heavenly Father decided not to punish me too harshly for my stupidity, as I didn't hit the nerve, the muscle, nor the vein. It was only skin deep but still deep enough that a simple bandaid would not be enough and I needed 3 stitches. There was a disconnect when it first happened that I didn't realize how bad it was or what had even happened. Because it didn't start to bleed until I was running around looking for a napkin and it didn't actually start to hurt until we were in the ER.

My roommate, Angela, jumped into action, grabbing the first aid kit. She poured rubbing alcohol onto it and dressed it for me and then drove me to the ER. Jessica, my other roommate, helped keep me steady, emotionally, as I got queasy and lightheaded, by talking to me and asking me questions during the car ride, then telling me dad jokes while we waited for the doctor. And Angela showed us dry bar stand up comedy videos on her phone while the doctor stitched me up. At the absolute least, I know my roommates can be fun and entertaining. At the most, I know they can be depended on in a crisis. ❥ For Christmas, I bought myself and my roommate can openers, lol.

The next day, work put me on a new survey because they were still testing it out and the client would be monitoring it with them to see how it sounded. It was an annoying survey with a flaw in the beginning that kicked half the people out of it. But I have been told that I am one of their top people because I sound really professional on the phone. So, they like to put me on the client monitored surveys because of how good I am, not just to torture me, which was my first impression. Which is nice to know even though I prefer the Thrivent project and don't like to dial anything else(other surveys aren't bad, I just really like that project above everything else, lol). I suppose "because I'm good at it" is a good reason to get tormented by a survey.

When the Bishop asked me during tithing settlement if I've seen any blessings in my life from paying tithing, to tell the truth, I hadn't thought about it like that at all. Ever since I returned to church, paying tithing has never been a question to me. I guess because it's the easy thing to do. Keeping up with the spiritual maintenance stuff, like service, scripture reading, and daily prayer, take more effort, more commitment and thought. I know, in my heart, no matter the ups and downs of my commitment level, that I owe Him everything. That every blessing and physical comfort are gifts from Him. That here on earth, I am merely a steward of everything I own and that they truly belong to Him. So, even when I grow lazy on the other stuff, paying tithing never needs the extra effort or thought because all of it is His to begin with. Even if I need money and tithing feels like it hurts, I know He will look after my needs. If I do what He asks of me, I don't need to worry about anything else.

But truthfully, I have felt the blessings of paying tithing. We get monitored once a day at the call center and I usually get 95s and 100s on my daily scores. Right after Thanksgiving, the supervisor in charge of the monitoring department, monitored me on a survey and gave me an 85, the lowest you can get before you start losing points(lose enough points in a short amount of time and you could get fired). After all of the high scores I'd been getting, that made me mad, so, I made some drastic changes to my method of doing surveys, based upon his criticisms. They don't like you to say "um" or "oh" or anything like that, so, to be a brat, I started basically envisioning myself as a robot while on the phone. Anytime I got the urge to say "uh" or "mhm" I stone-faced it and pretended I was an emotionless android, dishing out a scripted pat response in an even-tone instead, lol.

Ever since November 28th, I've worked 12 days and gotten 11 100s on my daily scores, with one day being a 95. I'm not trying to brag but more shocked that my passive aggressiveness actually worked. There have been times when I still make mistakes but since they only monitor you once a day, for some reason, they've been missing those surveys and listening to the good ones I put out each day. Considering how low my score was merely 3 weeks ago, I find it astonishing and definitely divinely inspired to have been blessed so much in such a short amount of time. I'm not saying passive aggressiveness works - no, you shouldn't do that, don't be like me - but that keeping the Lord in mind and paying tithing gives you blessings.

Tuesday, the 5th, we had a pre-shift briefing and my manager gave out the awards for the month of November, handing me one for having the most hours worked for the month. I got a little paper award and a gift card as a reward! THEN, as I start my shift, I am corralled with 4 other people into the training room, where we are informed that we were chosen, as some of the center's top producers, to be on a new, special survey that our center has gotten the privilege to dial on. It was a good survey and very fun to do and I am so thankful that I got to be a part of that.

On Sunday it was announced that on Tuesday, the ward mission leaders would be going out to find people in our ward that we haven't been able to find, to offer them fellowship during this holiday season. It was opened up to the entire ward to participate and come help out. I wrote it down in my notebook because it sounded like something I was interested in but by Tuesday, I was debating going.

However, I felt like it was an answer to my prayers, debating whether I should go or not, when I had such a wonderful day at work with all of those blessings(awards and new special project, etc.) and I felt like Heavenly Father was somehow making the decision easier for me to make. That giving me so much would encourage me to want to give back to others, which is what I actually felt. So, once I was done with work, I went over to the church to make myself available. I had thought, since it was announced in sacrament meeting that it would have an FHE level turnout. Other than the 3 people with the ward mission callings and Brother Bahr, the 2nd counselor of the bishopric, I was the only other person to show up. That was also where I learned that Angela, my roommate, has a calling with the ward mission leader(I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I know she was supposed to be there).

I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. Angela and I paired up and went to 3 different houses to visit with some sisters and gave them the daily spiritual thought offered by the church's Light the World initiative. Angela is a wonderful partner. She is so loving and personable. The way that she connects and genuinely cares about others, it inspires me to feel and show that love as well. It's one of the things I really admire about her and I hope that I get more opportunities to work with her and learn from her. Before I moved to Rexburg, President Cooper told me to attach myself to people who are busy running around and doing the Lord's work and I definitely think she fits that description.

We went out again this past Tuesday and although Brother Bahr did not join us, we had 3 extra people show up to help! I was paired up with Angela again but it really warmed my heart to see our ward members get involved and extending this hand of love. Afterwards, we all went out for some discounted frozen yogurt at Kiwi Loco.

Now that I've started, I don't want to stop. I am hoping that if I continue to make my heart willing that the Lord will continue to present me with these opportunities to serve. It was one of those things that was hard for me to do back in Pennsylvania because of how much I depended on others. That is still somewhat true here but I feel like there are more opportunities and it's easier to reach out.

I have a strong testimony of tithing and the blessings we receive if we give back to the Lord. I have experienced first hand the Lord blessing my employment and making me more financially able to give to others. I also have a testimony of service, that if we have a willing heart, we will be presented with opportunities and those who need our help. And I know that we are doing the Lord's work when we reach out to others with love and charity in our hearts. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The Contract

When I started this blog, I wasn't really sure what I wanted it to be. A chronicling of my life? A series of updates about art projects and writing projects? Eventually, its purpose became clear to me as more and more I began to use the church related tags. This blog is my testimony, a chronicling of my spiritual journey and all of the ways I can see God in my life. Because even as it happens to me, even as I describe these events to you, I am shocked and humbled by His attention. Sometimes, with how direct His influence has been, I feel like I'm writing a fantasy story with me as the main character, yet these things are true and I want you to be able to see what I see. To see and feel clearly what He has done. I finally have access to a computer after two weeks, so, we're a little behind. Because, of course, those two weeks were chosen for some of the most influential personal revelations I've had since I moved to Rexburg. To keep you from having to read novels, I'll do these in parts to help you catch up.

One of the biggest things that helps to build and strengthen my testimony is having that stark contrast, clear in my mind, how I feel disconnected and unrooted from my life when I am not diligently doing what I should and then when I start up again, all of a sudden, He starts talking to me and touching my life in direct ways. I haven't fallen, but in the past 5 months, I've probably said a total of 10 private prayers and opened my scriptures about 3 times. At first, it was because I was working so much but then I just kept making excuses and got lazy about it.

I thought it'd be ok. I'm here in Rexburg, I was living with family who have the Spirit strong in their home and I was able to go to church more regularly. School would be starting soon and I was sure that things would be better, that as soon as classes started, my diligence and willpower would magically return. Until then, it wasn't like I was in any real danger. I could afford to relax for a couple more months and then throw myself into spiritual living when it was time to get to work. Sounds like the recipe for flirting with disaster.

I was able to secure for myself an apartment contract for BYU approved housing back in October. Thinking it over, I realized that I really didn't want to share a room with a young 20-something, and since I am 30 and have the option to live in non-approved housing, I decided to search for something else. I found the perfect place, with affordable rent and a good location and went ahead and expressed my interest. Belatedly, I realized that I was still responsible for the contract I signed for the other place. So, I spent a lot of October and November trying to sell the contract for the winter semester and stressing about not getting it off my hands by January.

As the end of November came closer, I had to schedule to meet up with the gals for the new apartment I wanted, in order to sign a lease with them. They scheduled it for Monday, the 27th, at 4, which overlapped with my shift at work. When you call off or can't come in for a shift at my work, they force you to make up those hours on a different day. I have Fridays and most Sundays off, but I wanted to leave Friday open, just in case things didn't work out for moving in on Wednesday, that I'd still have a day where we could spend all day moving things if needed. So, I switched Mondays shift with Sunday, the 26th. I didn't want to but at this point, with the small distance that had grown between me and Heavenly Father, I didn't really trust that 'things would work out as they needed to' so I felt like I didn't have many options. It ended up being one of my few prayers during this time where I asked for His understanding. I went home that Saturday after work and got a text from work saying that only people trained on NRC needed to come in on Sunday. ...well, I'm not trained on NRC yet. Since I specifically switched things around, I called just to make sure and my supervisor confirmed it: I had BOTH Sunday and Monday off!

This was the first time in a while that I'd had a prayer answered like this, so, you can bet He had my attention. I felt that if I was given this Sunday, then there must be some message I was supposed to hear and listen to. With that mindset, I went to church, listening to all of the talks and lessons with my heart open. Nothing really stood out to me and I never had that familiar feeling of people's words being used to talk specifically to me. After that, I forgot about it and went to dinner with my family to the house of some old missionary friends we knew from back east.

It was still fairly early in the evening when we got home so I decided to call home and talk to my siblings. I was on my laptop, writing a silly story with a friend of mine and set it aside, closing it, while I talked to my brother Ben for an hour. After reporting news to my aunt Wendy, I returned to my room and picked up my laptop, opening it. The screen remained black. All the lights were on but the screen was non-responsive. I tried everything to wake it back up again, pushing buttons, unplugging it and moving to different rooms. Nothing. It remained black with the power light on. With no previous sign of being in any trouble, my 3 year old lappy was officially dead.

With only a month left before school starts, I started to freak out. I cried and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to not take my computer, something I'd desperately need for school. Even amidst my frustration, I felt a familiar feelings, something I felt when on my knees the September before last. The knowledge that I cannot simply beg for what I want and give Him nothing in return. Two realizations hit me then: the first, Heavenly Father never does anything, gives us any hardship or tragedy just to be mean or cruel. He loves me and He wants what's best for me, to teach me and to help me grow. I've known from how He treats me, personally, that He wants a personal relationship with me and even if I feel like I'm not in danger, He'll never let me lose sight of Him again. Other people say that Heavenly Father never forces Himself into our lives but that has not been my personal experience. He's constantly shoving me in the back of the shoulder if I turn my back on Him for even a second like, "Hey. Whatcha doin'? Are you listening?"

The second thing I realized was that the very next day was cyber Monday. You know, the day of online and computer sales after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. So, even as this inexplicable trial was handed to me, Heavenly Father also provided me with a way to easily and affordably find a solution. I would have preferred that my computer had not died but if it had to happen, I am incredibly grateful for the timing. My cousin, Mead, came over and helped me shop for a new laptop, helping me to get something that would be sufficient for my needs. I ended up replacing the old laptop under $200. It was supposed to arrive on the 12th of December but came a little earlier, which I am also grateful for.

I don't know why He broke my computer. It had been fine with no signs of distress or like it was in trouble, so, there is no doubt in my mind that what happened to it was divine intervention. It could have been as simple as a wake up call that the road of ambivalence and laziness I was on needed to be stopped now, before I start school. Whatever the reason, I am thankful that it happened because it shook me up enough to realize the parts of my life that I've been neglecting. Sometimes, you think you're awake and only realize how deeply you were dreaming once you finally do wake up.

As you may have heard, I finally got into my own apartment. I remember writing and planning for this when we first moved here and being anxious about it and putting a deadline on it of a year. Now, 5 months later, sitting in my own room in the new place, I wonder at the anxiety I felt. All the times the Adversary whispered in my ear all the things I cannot do, making me feel so uncertain about the future. To be honest, I was only a little sad to leave my aunt and uncle's house. I miss their support and love being so close at hand but I do not miss the 45 minute walk to work. Now, I only walk 20 minutes to work. I do love walking and appreciated the exercise but it was basically almost 2 hours out of every day where I was just walking. It took extra energy out of my days just to plan the day around my long walks. So, imagine the relief and the weight off my shoulders now, the freedom and extra time to do what I want. A last minute trip to Broulim's now is less a consideration of how late do I want to get home and more accessible now.

My new roommates are the best I could have asked for. Angela is very confident, down-to-earth, and service-oriented. Jessica is very laid-back, sweet, and friendly. I like to chill some evenings after work and talk to her. I moved in on the last Wednesday of November and immediately started saying my daily prayers and reading my scriptures. Because of my computer breaking, I was anxious about the contract for the other place I still needed to get rid of. I had been posting ads for it on different Facebook groups and before the holiday, one gal had expressed interest in it. I decided not to bug people about it until after Thanksgiving but when my computer died that weekend, I decided I didn't want to follow-up until I could do something about it. Like, if it turned out she wasn't going to take it after all, I wanted to be able to post the ads on Facebook again. Since the laptop wasn't going to come until the 12th and my mini ipad doesn't like to do things, I also ordered a Fire 7 which is Amazon's tablet.

One of the first revelatory experiences I had as a result of opening those communication lines with Heavenly Father again was when my new tablet arrived. I specifically ordered it because I knew it would get here sooner than the computer and I could specifically post to the FB groups and keep up with interest in someone buying the winter contract. My aunt Wendy informed me that the tablet had arrived on Friday, so, I made the long trek up the hill to their place to retrieve it. As I was visiting with them, the new tablet safely tucked in my backpack, I got a text message from the manager of the BYU approved housing I had the contract for, telling me that the gal who'd originally expressed interest had turned in her contract. I was free of this burden...right exactly when I needed to be.

You cannot know the stress I felt while trying to get someone to take over that contract before January, especially when it was such a good deal but everyone kept falling through. To explain it, it's a little complicated but never before have I had a prayer answered so...neatly. Literally, the tablet was only ordered so I could repost the ads and the moment I have my hands on it, my phone chimes with that news. After I had reopened the communication lines and began putting in the maintenance work to keep myself open to Heavenly Father's Spirit. How could these things not be directly related and consequences of each other? I knew what I was supposed to be doing and as soon as I did, I am told in the most direct way possible that what I am doing is right.

I testify to you that I know this church is true and that Heavenly Father is heavily involved in our lives. I know He loves and knows each and every one of us individually and that He only ever wants what's best for us. I know that the scriptures are true and that reading them will bring us closer to Him and bring joy and meaning to our lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Miss Me?

Listening to: "Stressed Out" Twenty One Pilots
Watching: Judge Judy owning peeps in small claims court 

Where has Manders been? 

The short answer: working. 

It turned out, not all was fields of milk and honey once I came to Rexburg and all of the jobs I was promised would be available during the 7 week break were nowhere to be found. At least, for me. 

At first, I tried to be a stickler for not working on the Sabbath but every interview I went to, that was one of the first things they asked and my answer disqualified me. Who knew, living in a community of Mormons would have a drawback? But the demand for Sunday workers is very high, especially for national franchises that simply cannot close on Sundays. 

Then I started to waver on how much desperation to exude during each interview. Too much? Too little? I don't want to say anything bad about Broulim's because like a battered girlfriend, I'm still hoping they call me back. But seriously. 3 interviews for 2 different departments and look! Still no grocery store job for Manders! You're a tease, Broulim's! 

I finally got a job at SSI, a call center, and I'm not sure if I told you about it already(that's okay, either way, this is a reintroduction of sorts) at the end of July. They still demanded weekend shifts but at least they compromised with taking my Saturdays and just one of my Sundays each month. 

Still, after that, I felt a lot of pressure to get a second job. I've never worked 2 jobs before and since the whole point of it was to make as much money as possible(~35 hours/week with $900/month from SSI was not enough) when I got my surprise call back from the Super 8 hotel, I took it and kept my 30+ hours at SSI. Lucky for me, the schedule for Super 8 fit right in, 9-2 every day, with days off if they feel like you deserve it. 

They were desperate to hire me the week before the eclipse, so, I started not having to work on Sundays, even though everybody else had to. Now, a little over a month later, and after losing 6 employees, I not only was working every Sunday but going on almost 3 weeks without a day off. I won't talk bad about the people there. Suffice it to say, that it's the place desperate people, who don't get call backs from Broulim's, end up working. Vague promises were made of a seasonal "slow down" period and a day off for "someone" this past Wednesday(who deserves it? Me? Or the other 2 girls who haven't had a day off in forever?).  

But once I got my track assignment(Winter-Spring), I was no longer fooling around. Learning of the FASFA deadline on the first, less than a week before it was due, I needed that day off sooner rather than later. I asked to be allowed to go take care of my business a day earlier than the mythical Wednesday. Yet, even with 3 new hires within the past 3 weeks, and all the girls who have selective work days for school, present, we were still so desperate, I needed to be there, for some reason. They wanted to make compromises I didn't know I could make at this point. How much time did I need to get my financial aid? Was 2 hours in the middle of the afternoon(the bone they threw me) going to cut it? What about other deadlines I had to meet? Would I have to bargain and beg for every day that I needed to rush to get important things done for? 

I was at a crossroads and I had to make a choice. As I walked away from the Super 8, I thought of every thing that it had forced me to set aside in favor of the pursuit of money. I am grateful for the time I got to work at Super 8 and add so quickly to my savings. But I am also grateful I no longer have to miss sacrament meeting at MY church building, nor do I have to work 65 hours/week anymore. 

My weight loss has been coming along alright. I have a hard time managing funds or meals during the day because of my long absences outside of the house. A protein bar or a fruit drink don't actually give you a whole lot of satisfaction and in my desperate hunger, I often spend money on different eateries close by. Some good for me(Subway, sort of), and others not(New Fongs, Chik-fil-A, Taco Bell, grilled cheese sandwiches at Great Scotts). I'm not really sure what to do about it and I'm a little frustrated. I tried making sandwiches and bringing them with me but leaving so early in the mornings and staying gone so long, "when" to eat it becomes a tricky question. Eating it for lunch, ends up too early and as I walk home at 8:30 at night, I have stomach pains. Yet there has to be something in the middle of the day, otherwise, I will eat the frigging sandwich, or if there is none, then I'll buy a sandwich(both trying to save money and not eat bad sandwiches). 

Even still, I've lost almost 40lbs. Since we moved here and all from walking 4+ miles each day, give or take, and reducing my weekly calorie intake. As soon as I finish getting things for school figured out, I hope to use the campus facilities to exercise, like either the pool or find out if I can participate in a net sport before my semester starts, or even use the treadmill in the gym. I love walking, it's my favorite thing to do and even with my heavy bookbag some days, it is a joy to me to put one foot in front of the other. I love the freedom of it, the ease of it, the quiet solace of it. Even with the colder weather, I enjoyed walking in my new winter coat today, feeling like Iron Man as the cold nipped my cheeks and hands but the rest of me felt impervious to it. 

Back to SSI, I love working at the call center. Some days it can be a little bit of a drag, the monotony getting to me, but most of the time, it's just like working at Price Chopper as a cashier. Sometimes people talk to you, sometimes people don't. Sometimes people are rude and you wonder who taught them that it is okay to talk to someone like that under ANY circumstance, let alone a slightly inconvenient situation. And then there are the majority, the ones you connect with. You'll never talk to them again, probably, but I can't help whispering under my breath as the call ends, "Best friend!" 

Not all surveys are like that but my favorite is Thrivent. If they put me on Thrivent every day I dial, I would sing to work and sing on the way home. My favorite version of it is the one where people talk about all of the neat community projects and charities they do. These people are just truly inspiring examples of Christian brotherhood and Christ-like service, truly enjoying helping others and spending time with their friends doing things for a good cause. It reminds me of the LDS church in some ways and I like getting to see that aspect of this survey project. 

Finally, what I'm focusing on for the next couple of weeks, is getting my school stuff in order. I did visit with a course schedule advisor last Tuesday when I walked out of Super 8 but she explained the courses I'd need to take for my English Major with a focus on creative writing, gave me the list of all possible courses I could take, and sent me home with a link to the Grad Planner. And....I fiddled with it and quickly grew frustrated by prerequisite courses. I didn't know how to funnel and focus it to gear it towards what I want to do for a living: writing and publishing novels, working for a publishing company.  

So, I made an appointment for today and came in and sat down and in an hour, even with the Grad Planner occasionally misbehaving, was able to finish my Grad Plan. So, I'm feeling good! One thing finished!  

I missed the deadline for the BYU Scholarship and even though I got the Pell Grant with FASFA, I am not sure I want to take out a loan if I don't have to. So, all day today and yesterday, I've been filling out applications for non-BYU scholarships.  

Tomorrow's agenda: figure out housing. I would like to get cost and things figured out so that I know how much money I will need. And more scholarships. There are hundreds and thousands of them and just filling them out is no guarantee, so, I'm going to try to get as many filled out as I can. Then also, if I can, I want to figure out if I was supposed to receive a student card. When I first got my track assignment, even though I tried to change my address on my application, it was still listed as my old address on my student profile, so, I'm wondering how much they sent to Pennsylvania. No matter, I'll probably never see any of it.

The Long Weekend

Things have been going well, my friends. I have a job, I work 30+ hours each week and I'm doing well at achieving the milestones that make me eligible for bonuses. Plus, it's easy and it is something that I like to do.  I also walk 2 miles to work and 2 miles home every day of the week, so, I'm losing weight quickly. I've lost 25 lbs. since I've been in Rexburg. But not all is well.

I'm haunted by a shadow, call it depression or insecurity or stress; whatever. It whispers in my ear how no matter what I do, "I'm not good enough." And I am obsessed with being a burden. Every day, I am crushed by the weight of knowing other take care of me, that every minute of my day is a progress report on whether my burden is heavy or light for them, depending on whether my achievements are worthy or not. And every day I feel like I max it out. Every time the Lord tells me to wait, to trust in Him, to just take pleasure in the small victories, I am tearing at my own skin because the scale has gone too high. While we're all waiting, I see myself as idle and I panic. I feel like I'm not supposed to be happy, that enjoying myself, being proud of myself at work, it's not "taking this seriously enough."

I don't mind doing my part. I don't mind being given things to do. I just hate feeling like anytime I accomplish anything, someone has to turn around and flippantly say, "Yeah, that's great. But you haven't even started on this over here and here's this thing you've been slacking on." The funny thing is, I don't even get that conversation. I get it in looks or passive aggressive comments and I feel like I'm back in my mother's house being manipulated by subtlety because I don't deserve an actual face-to-face. No, I guess everyone would prefer that I assume what the conversation is and beat myself up about it. Which I am all too willing to do! Gladly! I get it: I'm lazy. I'm spoiled. I'm ungrateful. It's okay, leave it up to me; I'll grind those flaws out.

I'm having a hard time feeling like this is worth it. Like any of it will amount to anything in the end. What am I doing going to school for art anyway? Nobody will think it's worth anything if it's not a viable career...and it's not. There's not enough talent in me for that. It's taken a lot of pep talking this weekend and a lot of scripture reading to remember who I am because for the most part, I feel like this growing thing isn't going well because I'm just not fast enough. I don't walk fast enough to keep up with other people. I am not present for those heart-to-heart conversations so its not worth it to bring me up to speed, even when other people's feelings are involved. I'm supposed to just "know" already. Being late or slow isn't a good enough excuse.

I'm sorry to be so negative and spoiled. Even now, I feel the aching need to apologize for burdening people with my emotions. I just needed to get it out of me.

Desperate for Routine

If I had to put a name to why I fell away from the church, it would be that I didn’t chase spiritual experiences. I let the church side of things become monotonous and expected while the rest of the hours of the week, I spent consumed by fantasy. So, it might be strange to hear me say now that I crave to make it a routine. Because if it isn’t a part of my life, my thoughts, and my heart every day, I feel the Spirit leave. Not so much out of sin or me doing anything wrong but because I am refusing to pay attention or listen.

I fasted and prayed two days in a row last week, pleading with Heavenly Father to guide me to what I am supposed to do. I don’t usually like to advertise it because I want to hold true to the sacred nature of it. But I did want to bring it up because I finally got a call back from an application I put in for the Survey Sampling call center. I had the interview Monday and the woman who talked with me acted like I was already going to come to work for them. Then Thursday I had orientation among 15 others. It sounds right up my alley. Not only working with people, something I enjoy doing very much, but also a learning experience. Because of the law, you have to stay on script and to maintain professionalism and unbiased surveys, you have to stay away from what they call “filler words.” If you know me and have spoken with me at all, you know I’m the queen of filler words. “Hms”, “Yeahs,” “Alrighties,” “No doubts,” “I kid you nots,” and a myriad of others, pepper my speech to show constant attentiveness to those I am speaking to. I would like to sound more confident and less like I am begging for approval while talking to people, so, maybe learning to cut some of those out would be good for me.

Then I didn’t really read my scriptures privately or keep up with my daily prayers at all this week, not since I fasted last week. I can understand how it can seem like, once I got what I wanted, I stopped dedicating any other time or thought to my relationship with Heavenly Father. But mostly it was a lack of structure to my days or a routine that I keep up with. At home, it was easy to keep up with scriptures and daily prayer because I didn’t actually go anywhere or do anything day to day. Well, funny thing that…sometimes I feel like we don’t actually get what we want when we don’t commit or need to be reminded. I was scheduled to work yesterday, 3-8. I decided to walk, since it’s a route I have basically walked before and I left around 12:50 to time myself. If I got there early, I was going to hang around Deseret Book.

I decided to stop off at Walgreens and grab a soda first, to have while at work, and around 1:30, just when I get to Walgreens, I get a phone call from SSI that they don’t have enough work for me today and that I don’t need to come in. Those of you who have been following along know that this is one of those crucial first steps that needs to be completed in order for everything else to follow. Can’t get the apartment without money from a job. Can’t get a car without money from a job. Can’t get a driver’s license without money to pay for insurance.

Not only that but I am eager to start working, to get into a schedule, to be doing something productive with my days. So, it was a really big let down getting that call and right away I remember feeling like I was being chastised or given a warning. Because I do feel like this is a gift from Heavenly Father. I don’t think he’ll let me walk into a stressful environment or situation if I cannot remember Him during my times of need. As overjoyed as I know He has been for my return, I get the distinct impression as well that I’m not going to be lost ever again and He will humble me again and again as much as it takes to remind me before I ever walk into a situation with the potential to drift away.

I’m probably thinking way too highly of myself. But then things like today happen. Just a sleepy day, probably a day I could have dedicated to study or what have you. I did read a bit, a book I read years ago but forgot the plot of, Charly by Jack Weyland. It’s an LDS romance and very cute. Well, I haven’t read it for about a week or so. Just haven’t felt like picking it up. But I did today and continued from where I left off. Not a page into reading, Sam, the main character, gets confronted by a drunk vagrant, asking him, “Do you know Jesus Christ?” At first, Sam is irritated and even offended that a drunk would dare ask him such a thing but then with a little introspection, he concludes: “I knew the doctrine about him. I had read the scriptures and I held the priesthood and I did my home teaching and tried to fulfill my callings. Even so, I had to conclude that I could be closer to him than I was.”

I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like Heavenly Father uses whatever might pass in front of me in order to talk directly to me. Because in that moment, I did feel very much like Sam did. Like this doesn’t seem to be a consistent effort on my part and that’s one thing that I knew it would have to be if I were to remain here and continue on this path.

I feel like I keep retreading old footsteps but this has always been a problem for me, just to simply remember. And even though it is something I still struggle to make a habit and routine in my life, to chase these spiritual experiences, I feel like sharing them might benefit someone else. That if I keep at it, eventually something will click, and I’ll be able to share with you what happened and what it was that I did.

I also don’t mean to always make it seem like I’m on the verge of falling away if I don’t read my scriptures but this has been a core thing that I identified as playing an integral part in my falling away before. I don’t know if it’s just right now or if I will always be vulnerable to a laziness and the gospel progressively drifting to ales important role in my life. But being so close to my return…I remember what it felt like to be an “inactive” to not believe in anything and the way my days felt. In those times I forget, I feel that way again; more mindful of not cursing and the media I watch, but the rest of it feels the same; the emptiness and freedom of walking without the Savior beside you. Freedom in this case is not referring to its more positive connotations but the chaos of jumping into a void, untethered and unknown.

A routine is a simple thing to establish, and I definitely have the will to do it. Ever since we got here a month ago, my aunt Wendy and I go walking every morning, 2 miles. Even on the rare day when she isn’t able to go with me, I still get up and go alone. So, all I have to do is want the Savior in my life just as much(if not more) as I desire not being fat anymore.

There are dangers if I don’t make this a priority. Going to the Singles ward, I’m meeting people my age and finding interest returned to me. I couldn’t thinking over my priorities and how certain men I’ve met already don’t seem to measure up, to even the smallest priority of “must be passionate about the gospel.” Remembering why this is a priority, I’m reminded of the tango I danced with my ex, how we both contributed to the spiritual environment we were left in by the end. I cannot depend on the man having the strength of Spirit if I don’t have it…and I’m much more likely to garner the attentions of men who don’t have a lifestyle of welcoming the Spirit, if I don’t have it with me either.

Just some thoughts for right now.