Premortal Perspective

So, the slump that usually comes after a visit to the Hansens finally came after my last entry. It had been creeping up on me, without me being fully aware, in the form of an idleness that once recognized could not be shaken off. I have not done much except drive as far as productive work towards my goals. I lose a lot of perspective in these times and absurd justifications surface. Like, just as an example, I have sworn off watching R-rated films. A Prophet has told us not to partake in them and even though some films are rated R simply for a bit of violence or a dark theme, the great majority of them are rated R for gratuitously immoral content. Besides, I’m not going to quibble about “how much” rated-R is ok when we’ve simply been advised by the Lord that it does not invite the Spirit.

However…I found within the past month or so, I’ve been watching my favorite movie reviewers on Youtube, who make no such stipulations on their own viewing content, and vicariously living through their experiences of watching films that I would have been interested in had I not “committed” to this standard. Movies like the upcoming remake of It, Get Out, and A Cure for Wellness, which are all not only rated-R but do not involve subject matter inviting to the Spirit. I justified it as “ok” because my favorite reviewer Grace Randolph does not show too many graphic clips from the films but talks enough about the movies in detail in her spoiler reviews that it is sort of like watching the movie without actually watching it. I don’t know why I thought this would be ok, but along with this and my tendency to slow down in progress when I am on my own, I realized there is a bit of a chink in my armor in regards to commitment.

I am not doing myself any favors by leaving these backdoors open and entertaining these “favorite” sins. I have prayed about it and asked Heavenly Father for help in finding a way to stay motivated, to stay pumped about this journey. Because I don’t mean to forget. I don’t mean to lapse into these pits where it feels so much easier to stay still. And it is my fault, most of the time. I nap a lot more, I watch a lot more media. How to, in those moments, convince myself that rather than laying down or starting another Youtube video about games or movies, I could work on my projects or my lesson plans instead? Because I do not feel close to the Spirit when I am idle.

I’ve been reading a book that my aunt Wendy lent to me about the temple called House of Glory by S. Michael Wilcox and in the end of chapter 2, he talks about how when we are taught by the Holy Ghost we are “remembering” things that our spirit was taught in the premortal existence, that it is an “awakening” to truths we already know but have forgotten because of the Veil. This stuck with me because of the nature of my conversion, my humble prayer said kneeling at my bedside all those months ago. Not just a feeling of return to things I had learned as a child and young woman because looking back, I realize now my testimony back then was heavily based upon the testimonies of others. No, what I felt this past September was a tickling remembrance of who I am: a daughter of God. An acceptance of my role, my ability to go to Him with this heartfelt request, but also a feeling and impression from Him, of welcoming, love, and acceptance, like the loving and understanding Father that He is. I got this affirmation that what I was doing was right and it very much WAS like remembering something that had been within me all along.

How does this relate to my laziness and trying to find motivation to commit to standards? Well, in answer to my prayers, I found opportunity to revisit the temple today with the Susquehanna branch. It was more than the boost I desired and everything I needed to realign myself on the track I am supposed to be on. Not only was the session itself wonderful, the most clear to me as it has ever been, but the ride to and home was a Spirit-filled incubator preparing me to enter the Lord’s house. On the way, grandma had us listen to a bunch of devotionals and talks on CD by Wendy Watson, Laurel Christensen, and Sheri Dew.

One that really stuck with me was Wendy Watson’s talk “Change: It’s Always a Possibility!” If you haven’t read or listened to it, I encourage you to do so. Not only did I feel touched by her talk of change and transformation because of my own experiences with it, even in this half a year, but in the little perspective shifts that it allowed from her simply phrasing things a certain way. In it, she tells a story about “Yellow the caterpillar” who comes upon another caterpillar cocooning himself. Inquiring about it and intrigued by his desire to become a butterfly, Yellow asks how does one become a butterfly and he replies, “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

Not only is that eye opening in itself, just a beautiful, simple way to phrase it that seems to remove a myriad of obstacles and “I can’ts” from the equation of getting to who we need to be, but Watson takes it a step further just a little ways on, asking what sorts of things make us feel so jubilant about our potential? And she implies that these are “premortal stirrings.”

Last night, in thinking of my Girls Camp workshop about Repentance, and the talk I am writing for it, I thought to bring up the recent stirrings in my own mind, the reassertion of “what is it that I want?” Because that too was a very big part of my conversion and a change from my youth that made this time different than the last. Not only the testimony I have on my own and the things I have experienced but the question “what do I want from life? In pursuing these goals to follow the commandments, go to the temple, following the Lord’s will; why? Why do I do all of this? Who am I trying to impress?” Instantly, as I asked myself this question last night, came to my mind the answer: This is what I was made to do. Nothing else, not politics, not entertainments, or petty squabbles matter above my desire to fulfill the destiny and reason for my creation. I knew that as much as I love them all, the opinions of my aunt and uncle, my grandparents, my leaders, their approval was small to me. I want to obey my Heavenly Father because He put me here for this reason.

Listening to the story of the caterpillar and hearing the questions Watson asked about our “premortal stirrings”, I was reminded of the quote from the book by Wilcox and my own thoughts on how to phrase things for my workshop, and it all came together in my head. But not one to leave me unguided or wandering, Heavenly Father provided another talk that mentions premortal life, Laurel Christensen’s “God Knows You’re Amazing!” I cannot find a transcript of the talk and cannot remember it exactly but within this devotional, she talks at length about metaphorical “tapes” we might view of our premortal existence, our choices in the war in Heaven, our feelings, hopes, and dreams as we prepared for life down here, and how we might feel now if we got to see those tapes. If we got to see ourselves in this state. I visualized myself as a spirit, innocent and beloved of my Heavenly Father, and my aspirations for this life. How pumped I must have been to decide to want to come down here! How I, and my other brothers and sisters in this dispensation were saved for these latter days because of our strength and courage.

I often think about how much encouragement I get from my Heavenly Father, how eager He seems to want me to succeed. “He believes I can do it!” I always think, knowing that my trials were tailor-made and that these helpful steps up are His sign of a sort of faith in me. But I never really stopped to think about how I must have known that I could do it, how much I believed in my ability to follow His plan for me. It’s one thing to talk about who we aspire to be and I know the “right” response is always “like Christ.” But I look up to my premortal self. Wait…well, not exactly…I aspire to live up to her expectations for herself/myself. What did it mean for me back then to be called and held back? To know that this was a dangerous time and I’d be in the trenches, right in the thick of all the sin this world could conjure up? Was I scared? Or did I say with conviction “I know who I am and I can do this!”

I wonder…if I could talk to her now, what she would think of these occasional lost moments in time where I just slip away, watching video after video, or laying down for a nap that I do not need. I wonder what she would feel to see how easily I justify small slip-ups as if it weren’t all the same sin. I can hear you say, “Wow, I understand your aspirations but give yourself a break, kid.” But that’s just it. This idleness is what had me walking away from a temple marriage and a happily ever after. I remember a moment where my activity at church was dwindling and my ex-husband got called as a teacher in the Priesthood classes. I was just lukewarm enough about church that when he expressed anxiety about teaching and not being prepared for his Sunday classes, I shrugged and didn’t say anything. I let him go to church alone rather than give him any kind of support. I have made peace with the guilt I’ve felt over that moment but soon after that, he lapsed into inactivity as well, and the gospel left our home.

I don’t ever want to feel lukewarm about my existence or my goals and pretty soon/eventually, I will have to gain momentum in progress and learn to keep it going, especially if I ever get an apartment on my own. I have to find something to tap into, some method of connecting with the Spirit in a split second when I debate whether to watch another video or work on something productive. I need to find a way to phrase it in my mind so that the question is no longer a choice I have to make but a clear directive in my heart.

Remember who you are.

That’s what I’ve summed it up to. My motivation has everything to do with why I was put here and who I aspired to be before I was born. And if things are going to get as bad they say they are and fast, then there is no time to waste. I am blessed by the opportunities I have been given and the time in which I live, even as the days grow darker. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Week Four!

A small update on things from this past week. One of the biggest things of note is how positive and uplifted I’ve been feeling since coming home from the week I spent at the Hansens. A lot of times after visiting with them and feeling the Spirit so strongly, even though I attempt to maintain a routine of things to keep the Spirit with me once I have returned home, contentions rise and depression seeps into my being. It’s not like these situations have changed as they still occur occasionally and of course, my complaints remain the same as they always have. But I feel untouched, like as if I were in a bubble. I have no idea where this change stems from, if I have just mentally decided to focus on what’s important rather than getting bogged down by the things that would have bothered me so much before, or if I’m feeling the effects of driving as I practiced every day this week. I do not question this blessing too much, rejoicing and grateful always for my Heavenly Father staying with me so strongly, keeping me bright and optimistic.

Aside from that, this week, I have come to terms with the fact that my lovely companion, Steve the cat, will not be able to go out West with me. We discussed how she might do with the Hansen’s cat, Teacup, and eventually having the pair live together in the house we’ll move into. But…I acknowledge, and my aunt Wendy brought it to my attention, I’m not going to live with them forever. This journey out west for me is taking the gifted hand of the Lord, this blessed opportunity presented to me by the Hansens, to gain something I have been denied by myself and my enablers: my independence. I do not wish to trade one enabler for another and even if they wanted me to have a room in their house forever, I know that it would be good for me to feel the pressure of growth, to have the sting of adult disappointments, of responsibility for my life and finances. I’m not saying I want to embrace poverty or failure because of course all advice and support I can get, I will take. But I want to strive to be a successful individual, to be self-sufficient. And living long-term in the house of mother and father figures who may or may not ask for rent, is not representative of who I want to be.

My aunt Wendy reported on her return from her trip to Idaho, that it is hard to get apartments in Rexburg with a pet in tow. A lot of them just won’t allow it. Still those that do, may have a pet deposit to pay. This is the wall that I hit when moving back in with my mother after my divorce. Steve is my cat and I love her and at the time, I was not willing to part with her. As a result, I never did find an apartment in Montrose and in my mother’s basement is where I still am, with my lovely cat. I know myself and how this situation with growth and adulthood came about. I said “I don’t want to” to a lot of things and the people around me, who were in positions to push me, instead said, “Okay, then you don’t have to.” But I led the way; it was always about what I was ready for. And if I was able to find justifications for things, then I was simply not challenged by those around me. So, if I can justify staying in one place, in any way, I know that I will take it and I cannot risk people being unable/unwilling to push me. I’m not saying they ever would because aunt Wendy and uncle David have raised 4 children to adulthood, praising and idealizing industrious spirit and hard work ethics, but I don’t know the future. I can’t expect authority figures to always take charge of my life and tell me what to do and when to do them. I have to want it for myself first and foremost. So, in seeing a situation similar to one I found myself in before with my kitty roommate…I had to take a stand with myself, doing the adult thing and admitting that she needs to go to someone who can take care of her.

This took the entire week for me to come to terms with and even now I get emotional thinking of being without her. Still, I have put it out there and have currently a prospect of where she might go. I got Steve 7 years ago. My mother, in one of her misguided attempts to get family pets for the children, got two kittens for the kids, a brother and a sister. The boy grew up to be very chill, relaxed, snuggly, and friendly. The girl hated to be picked up, was mean to everyone, and was wild, often riling her brother up to run the length of the house in races. My mother was at her wit’s end, as often happens with her failed attempts to own pets, and asked me to take the girl, otherwise she would end up going to a shelter. I’d never owned a cat, not since I was too young to remember owning one, so I was hesitant to do so. But my mother pleaded with me to at least give her a month try-out and my husband agreed to allow such a thing.

At first, Steve and I did not like each other. After a week, I remember calling my mother and wanting to give her back because of how unfriendly Steve was. Once again, I was convinced to give her more time. I think eventually, as Steve became accustomed to the house and my ex-husband and I, she became slightly more sociable. Still, she caused all sorts of trouble. She would scratch the bedroom door at night, often interrupting our sleep; she chewed headphone wires if they were left out; she constantly tried escaping into the garage EVERY time we opened that door; and before she was declawed, she would often react to touch by scratching people.

But there was so much I loved about her right away. She wouldn’t snuggle but she would often sit by me while I played on my laptop. She did cute things like sit in any available box/paper bag, play with items that were not toys, like pens, socks, paper, and attempt to snatch our feet at night when we laid down to go to sleep. She loves hide and seek. Back in the big house I shared with my ex, I would disturb her in a room where she was resting, and slowly retreat around corners, peeking frequently to goad her into following me. Then I’d run and hide somewhere and see how fast she could find me. We also raced through the length of the house, and she’d always attempt to beat me, even when I tricked her and ran a different way sometimes. I loved to play with the laser and those first months, I took over 100 photos of her from every angle with every expression on her face. I was never a cat person until I met Steve and even though she wasn’t the cuddly kitty I would have liked, she still let me know I was loved, especially after my divorce.

Now, 7 years later, she is a little chubbier, much more mellow, and she will often force her way onto my lap, where she will curl up or sprawl out, while I read or watch Youtube videos. She will allow me to hold her like a baby on her back for almost a full minute, and if I hold her so that she is upright, I can hold her even longer. She still loves hide and seek, loves to turn socks and things into toys, and rolls on her back when I come through the door. She has always been silent but if I point at her and say “Hey!” accusingly, she responds with “Eh!” little squeak. She does not “meow” but “eh’s” at me. She headbutts me and fawns over me whenever I come home from a time away, and she loves her ears gently massaged and pulled so much that often she will come up to me and push her ears into my hands. I love her so much and she is so much a part of my day-to-day, I know it will be hard to be without her. But I also know that she is still young enough to grow to love another family for many years yet.

So, that was the decision I grappled with this week. Also, after practicing driving with my uncle Dave, as promised, as soon as I got home, I made a commitment to get behind the wheel of a vehicle at least once a day. I enlisted the help of my 21 year old brother, Daniel, who although not the best driver, has been driving for quite a while and would be the only one consistently available to help me. I am so grateful for Danny and his willingness to be woken up in the afternoons to go driving with me. I’ve driven to Montrose 3 times so far and driven around Friendsville 3 times as well. I’m not very good at it, lol, but at least I’m not panicking like I did at first. Mostly, my trouble is curves/corners, hills, and pulling into spaces. My second time to Montrose, I drove to my bank and parked fairly well but any other time I’ve tried to park since then, I haven’t done so straight. With curves, I take them too fast or I slow down too much. I maintain speed alright but heaven forbid there are pot holes or even something unexpected darting into my path, because I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to “miss” pot holes and usually go right over them or end up swerving and going right through them at normal speed anyway. I am hoping that by continuing to practice I will be able to become more aware of things and transition properly with speeds and such.

I drove home from Montrose with grandma and grandpa this past Saturday and this, after a week of practicing with Danny. Grandpa was not impressed at all and despite not saying very much during the ride, he was quick to shut down any inflated sense of self-confidence I had in how I did. So, I will continue to work on it, striving to do better. I am hoping to be able to get my license very soon after arriving in Idaho, so, if I plan on doing that, then I need to be better.

As far as the college application goes, it has been submitted. I had a wonderful interview with President Cooper, very inspiring and he gave me some tips that I look forward to utilizing. The same day the ecclesiastical endorsement was put through, BYU-I accepted my application and now I’m just waiting to hear from them regarding acceptance to the school. Talking to Brianne, she said it might be a while since right now I’m amid the high school graduating class that have submitted their applications right around now, so, I’m steeling myself to be patient. Despite what people say about admissions to BYU-I, I’m anticipating not getting accepted and the possibility of having to change things about my application for the second submission. My GPA was not very high at 2.96, and I only took the SAT which was 1100. So, if things do not go well this time, I will plan on retaking the SATs and ACTs to hopefully boost my scores. And hopefully I’ll have some more influential experiences to write my essays about in the meantime. I feel very strongly that this is the path I am meant to take but it doesn’t feel like I’ve done much to earn it, so, it makes me feel wary of just anticipating being accepted. Still, BYU-I is the school I want to go to; I might not have been as gung-ho about school if it weren’t for everything about THIS school that I desire to have. So, I’ll just keep trying until I get in, honestly.

So that’s all that’s going on lately. I’m still working on the posters for Girls Camp and other commissions by sister Van Orden. The rest is calling stuff and more driving. I’m staying positive and hopeful for the future! Thank you for all those who support me and help me on achieving these goals, especially those who demand the best from me. I know I can do it!

Downton Abbey Mid-Season 4 Review

Very recently, I have become a fan of the show Downton Abbey. It’s funny how at first, I was resistant to start the show upon my aunt Wendy’s recommendation, because Pollyanna(1960) is my absolute favorite Hayley Mills movie and it is set in the same time period. I just didn’t want to get into something that would be a stale drama where everybody was posh and so hoity-toity and dry. Boy, was I surprised when I actually took the leap and started it! In just two weeks I have finished 30 episodes and although I am not finished, I’d like to do a mid-series review of it. This will be a spoiler filled review, at least up to episode 5 in season 4, so, please be aware of that.

First thing I want to talk about is the cast, and really, it’s just one person on the cast. As much as we all love Maggie Smith for her role in the Harry Potter franchise and it was nice to see her in this, I was most struck by Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary Crawley. One of my favorite TV mini series ever is the Hogfather wherein Dockery plays the granddaughter of Death. She plays a sort of morbid yet very straightforward and tough female character in that, and I like how some of those same qualities came forth in her Downton character but softened by Mary’s genteel nature. As you may have already guessed, she is my favorite character. I thought her drama with Matthew was annoying at times but made all the sweeter by their eventual marriage. I think she is smart and I empathize with her emotions the most, even when she is being harsh or unfair.

My second favorite character is actually a duo, Anna, Mary’s Lady’s Maid, and Mr. Bates, Lord Robert Crawley’s valet. Right away I liked Bates and rooted for him to do well and then when Anna started to pay attention to him, my attention shifted to her as well. They’re both the “normal/neutrals” and in a house with so much classist tones and drama both above and below, they are the only ones not worried about starting trouble or overstepping their stations. They’re genuinely good people. Not to say that there aren’t others who are as well, but for the most part, I like their take on things and find the things that happen to them the most interesting. Plus, they’re just so romantic and lovely together.

The character I hate and have hated right from the start is Thomas, the head footman/under-butler. Now, four seasons in, I feel with a passion that he is just awful, the worst sort of garbage person. Everything he does is awful and he is mean and cruel to everybody for no reason that I can figure out. I actually get a little kick sometimes when he fails at things, or when he is humiliated, like the time he mistook the Ottoman diplomat for being open to his affections but he wasn’t! He’s just eternally dissatisfied with himself and it manifests into this maliciousness and desperation towards everyone else.

This show is actually funny because of how much happens! It almost borders into soap opera territory with how much goes wrong and how much goes right from episode to episode. And when it is dry, I find that I actually like it. Like the season I am on has Mary trying to take over for her late husband, Matthew, and the plans he had for helping restore the wealth of the Abbey. The twists and turns and decisions she makes are actually keeping me entertained because I love to see her helping to take this sort of leadership role and help manage the estate affairs.

And the genteel nature of everything, the “properness” and the rules of high society have me fascinated. I love the different codes of conduct that they constantly allude to, the ritualistic dinners they have, the clothing changes, and the avoidance of “scandals.” It’s so much fun and I adore how intricate it all is, because a lot of times, they set up these rules first, and then later reiterate them for the express purpose of breaking them. Like a servant that serves something in the wrong way at the table, or someone wearing the wrong shirt to dinner because of missing or ruined clothes, or someone laughing a little too closely while everyone stands around drinking after dinner. It makes it all very exciting.

I am a bit tired of the risqué plotlines though. Like Thomas Branson, Sybil’s widower, and that one maid getting together and her trying to blackmail him into a relationship. I’m not very fond of Tom as it is; the one time I actually liked him was as Sybil was dying, his emotional outpouring and desperate pleading for her “not to leave him” while everyone stood around helpless. It broke my heart. But his tough-guy revolutionary/communist schtick is really tiring, especially since it seems he’s able to loosen his morals and ideals by season 4. And I am even more tired of his whole, “I’m such an outsider in the family” thing. Sure, Tom. Just go away then.

And I really dislike Rose a lot, the party girl cousin. Every time she tries to convince someone to take her somewhere, I am aghast at their repeated agreeing to it only for her to run off and get herself into trouble. Oh, so nobody in the family or staff saw that coming did they? Does nobody remember last weekend? She’s just not very interesting or engaging, although, I did like the part where the black singer at the one club got down off stage to dance with her. I really hope they bring that guy back because he seemed super charming and genuine and I’d love to see everyone’s reactions to her being in an interracial relationship. I’m also hoping that a steady romance might calm her down a bit, even if the romance itself is a bit “scandalous” for the time period or whatever.

I was also a bit displeased with Anna’s rape. It was very boring and by the book and felt unnecessary. She’s such a good person, I felt it unfair that they made that happen to her and then did nothing with it. Her and Bates get back together within a few episodes and “everything’s fine.” Sure, he might go after the guy once he finds out who it is…and I’m really not eager for him to go back to prison. That was really emotionally draining the first time we all went through that. It just felt like a really insincere threat to their relationship dynamic and yet Bates is such a stand-up guy that we know he’s not going to leave her once he finds out and he’s not going to leave her without finding out; he’s going to keep pushing because he loves her and wants to help her. And Anna’s insistence that she was “spoilt” now was ridiculous. It just felt like this awful thing didn’t need to happen because the stakes weren’t very high in regards to her experiencing trauma from it and neither of them changed anything about each other or grew from the experience. We just have a Mr. Bates waiting to murder someone at sometime once it is revealed to him who did it. Maybe he can pin it on Thomas.

I really just love this show and all the characters. Really glad that I got to watch it and marathon it on DVDs.