Week Four!

A small update on things from this past week. One of the biggest things of note is how positive and uplifted I’ve been feeling since coming home from the week I spent at the Hansens. A lot of times after visiting with them and feeling the Spirit so strongly, even though I attempt to maintain a routine of things to keep the Spirit with me once I have returned home, contentions rise and depression seeps into my being. It’s not like these situations have changed as they still occur occasionally and of course, my complaints remain the same as they always have. But I feel untouched, like as if I were in a bubble. I have no idea where this change stems from, if I have just mentally decided to focus on what’s important rather than getting bogged down by the things that would have bothered me so much before, or if I’m feeling the effects of driving as I practiced every day this week. I do not question this blessing too much, rejoicing and grateful always for my Heavenly Father staying with me so strongly, keeping me bright and optimistic.

Aside from that, this week, I have come to terms with the fact that my lovely companion, Steve the cat, will not be able to go out West with me. We discussed how she might do with the Hansen’s cat, Teacup, and eventually having the pair live together in the house we’ll move into. But…I acknowledge, and my aunt Wendy brought it to my attention, I’m not going to live with them forever. This journey out west for me is taking the gifted hand of the Lord, this blessed opportunity presented to me by the Hansens, to gain something I have been denied by myself and my enablers: my independence. I do not wish to trade one enabler for another and even if they wanted me to have a room in their house forever, I know that it would be good for me to feel the pressure of growth, to have the sting of adult disappointments, of responsibility for my life and finances. I’m not saying I want to embrace poverty or failure because of course all advice and support I can get, I will take. But I want to strive to be a successful individual, to be self-sufficient. And living long-term in the house of mother and father figures who may or may not ask for rent, is not representative of who I want to be.

My aunt Wendy reported on her return from her trip to Idaho, that it is hard to get apartments in Rexburg with a pet in tow. A lot of them just won’t allow it. Still those that do, may have a pet deposit to pay. This is the wall that I hit when moving back in with my mother after my divorce. Steve is my cat and I love her and at the time, I was not willing to part with her. As a result, I never did find an apartment in Montrose and in my mother’s basement is where I still am, with my lovely cat. I know myself and how this situation with growth and adulthood came about. I said “I don’t want to” to a lot of things and the people around me, who were in positions to push me, instead said, “Okay, then you don’t have to.” But I led the way; it was always about what I was ready for. And if I was able to find justifications for things, then I was simply not challenged by those around me. So, if I can justify staying in one place, in any way, I know that I will take it and I cannot risk people being unable/unwilling to push me. I’m not saying they ever would because aunt Wendy and uncle David have raised 4 children to adulthood, praising and idealizing industrious spirit and hard work ethics, but I don’t know the future. I can’t expect authority figures to always take charge of my life and tell me what to do and when to do them. I have to want it for myself first and foremost. So, in seeing a situation similar to one I found myself in before with my kitty roommate…I had to take a stand with myself, doing the adult thing and admitting that she needs to go to someone who can take care of her.

This took the entire week for me to come to terms with and even now I get emotional thinking of being without her. Still, I have put it out there and have currently a prospect of where she might go. I got Steve 7 years ago. My mother, in one of her misguided attempts to get family pets for the children, got two kittens for the kids, a brother and a sister. The boy grew up to be very chill, relaxed, snuggly, and friendly. The girl hated to be picked up, was mean to everyone, and was wild, often riling her brother up to run the length of the house in races. My mother was at her wit’s end, as often happens with her failed attempts to own pets, and asked me to take the girl, otherwise she would end up going to a shelter. I’d never owned a cat, not since I was too young to remember owning one, so I was hesitant to do so. But my mother pleaded with me to at least give her a month try-out and my husband agreed to allow such a thing.

At first, Steve and I did not like each other. After a week, I remember calling my mother and wanting to give her back because of how unfriendly Steve was. Once again, I was convinced to give her more time. I think eventually, as Steve became accustomed to the house and my ex-husband and I, she became slightly more sociable. Still, she caused all sorts of trouble. She would scratch the bedroom door at night, often interrupting our sleep; she chewed headphone wires if they were left out; she constantly tried escaping into the garage EVERY time we opened that door; and before she was declawed, she would often react to touch by scratching people.

But there was so much I loved about her right away. She wouldn’t snuggle but she would often sit by me while I played on my laptop. She did cute things like sit in any available box/paper bag, play with items that were not toys, like pens, socks, paper, and attempt to snatch our feet at night when we laid down to go to sleep. She loves hide and seek. Back in the big house I shared with my ex, I would disturb her in a room where she was resting, and slowly retreat around corners, peeking frequently to goad her into following me. Then I’d run and hide somewhere and see how fast she could find me. We also raced through the length of the house, and she’d always attempt to beat me, even when I tricked her and ran a different way sometimes. I loved to play with the laser and those first months, I took over 100 photos of her from every angle with every expression on her face. I was never a cat person until I met Steve and even though she wasn’t the cuddly kitty I would have liked, she still let me know I was loved, especially after my divorce.

Now, 7 years later, she is a little chubbier, much more mellow, and she will often force her way onto my lap, where she will curl up or sprawl out, while I read or watch Youtube videos. She will allow me to hold her like a baby on her back for almost a full minute, and if I hold her so that she is upright, I can hold her even longer. She still loves hide and seek, loves to turn socks and things into toys, and rolls on her back when I come through the door. She has always been silent but if I point at her and say “Hey!” accusingly, she responds with “Eh!” little squeak. She does not “meow” but “eh’s” at me. She headbutts me and fawns over me whenever I come home from a time away, and she loves her ears gently massaged and pulled so much that often she will come up to me and push her ears into my hands. I love her so much and she is so much a part of my day-to-day, I know it will be hard to be without her. But I also know that she is still young enough to grow to love another family for many years yet.

So, that was the decision I grappled with this week. Also, after practicing driving with my uncle Dave, as promised, as soon as I got home, I made a commitment to get behind the wheel of a vehicle at least once a day. I enlisted the help of my 21 year old brother, Daniel, who although not the best driver, has been driving for quite a while and would be the only one consistently available to help me. I am so grateful for Danny and his willingness to be woken up in the afternoons to go driving with me. I’ve driven to Montrose 3 times so far and driven around Friendsville 3 times as well. I’m not very good at it, lol, but at least I’m not panicking like I did at first. Mostly, my trouble is curves/corners, hills, and pulling into spaces. My second time to Montrose, I drove to my bank and parked fairly well but any other time I’ve tried to park since then, I haven’t done so straight. With curves, I take them too fast or I slow down too much. I maintain speed alright but heaven forbid there are pot holes or even something unexpected darting into my path, because I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to “miss” pot holes and usually go right over them or end up swerving and going right through them at normal speed anyway. I am hoping that by continuing to practice I will be able to become more aware of things and transition properly with speeds and such.

I drove home from Montrose with grandma and grandpa this past Saturday and this, after a week of practicing with Danny. Grandpa was not impressed at all and despite not saying very much during the ride, he was quick to shut down any inflated sense of self-confidence I had in how I did. So, I will continue to work on it, striving to do better. I am hoping to be able to get my license very soon after arriving in Idaho, so, if I plan on doing that, then I need to be better.

As far as the college application goes, it has been submitted. I had a wonderful interview with President Cooper, very inspiring and he gave me some tips that I look forward to utilizing. The same day the ecclesiastical endorsement was put through, BYU-I accepted my application and now I’m just waiting to hear from them regarding acceptance to the school. Talking to Brianne, she said it might be a while since right now I’m amid the high school graduating class that have submitted their applications right around now, so, I’m steeling myself to be patient. Despite what people say about admissions to BYU-I, I’m anticipating not getting accepted and the possibility of having to change things about my application for the second submission. My GPA was not very high at 2.96, and I only took the SAT which was 1100. So, if things do not go well this time, I will plan on retaking the SATs and ACTs to hopefully boost my scores. And hopefully I’ll have some more influential experiences to write my essays about in the meantime. I feel very strongly that this is the path I am meant to take but it doesn’t feel like I’ve done much to earn it, so, it makes me feel wary of just anticipating being accepted. Still, BYU-I is the school I want to go to; I might not have been as gung-ho about school if it weren’t for everything about THIS school that I desire to have. So, I’ll just keep trying until I get in, honestly.

So that’s all that’s going on lately. I’m still working on the posters for Girls Camp and other commissions by sister Van Orden. The rest is calling stuff and more driving. I’m staying positive and hopeful for the future! Thank you for all those who support me and help me on achieving these goals, especially those who demand the best from me. I know I can do it!