Life in Movement

This past week, from last Sunday to this one, I was able to stay at my aunt and uncle’s house in order to spend time with their family and practice driving. I was determined at the start to never say “no” to anything. Aunt Wendy told me a story about when she first learned to drive and uncle Dave was her teacher wherein he helped her with a bit of firmness, unmoved by sniveling or fussing when she would have preferred to give in to her fear. Recently coming to realize how I’ve been coddled over the years and how badly it has broken my wings, I alighted on the tough love aspect of the recount, saying to myself, “Aha! Yes! Give me some of that!” I needed someone who would not take “no” even if I gave it as an answer, who would insist on challenging me and also someone that I respect and that I can trust.

I tried learning to drive once before, several years ago while I was still married. My husband and I were having problems at the time and I felt shamed and pressured into attempting to get my license. I think that a lot of my panic in those first couple of attempts had to do with a lack of confidence in not only myself but a lack of trust in him as well. I almost ran into someone head-on while turning at a four-way, sitting nose-to-nose with the other car at a stop light, my husband having to grab the wheel and maneuver us out because I had become useless at that point. And on another attempt on a faster road, I almost drove off the side of the road when I froze up and disassociated. After that, I did not ask to try again and he did not pressure me further about it. 

 

So, since the Thursday before last, I went and was able to get my permit, I knew that this would be the perfect opportunity to try to practice and get past this barrier of fear between me and my goals. And uncle David did not disappoint! Sunday, as we were driving to the Hansen’s home after church, about 2 miles from their house, he suggested I drive the rest of the way. I did not say no. I got behind the wheel and one of the immediate manifestations of my panic was a rapid breathing, like a woman in labor, as I turned onto the road and started to move. I was so freaked out, thinking of how I might lose control, thinking of the girls in the back seat and how dangerous this was, especially when other cars would occasionally come from the other direction. How? How do people drive so close to each other, like tempting Fate as they pass each other going opposite ways?

I got through that first drive safely, uncle Dave a comforting presence of authority keeping me focused and reassured as he coached me home. I was so pleased with myself having brought us home safely that I took a selfie and posted of my triumph on Facebook. Encouraged by this, uncle Dave suggested that we practice on the driveway with the Suburban. If, like me, car names mean nothing to you and you’re having a hard time conjuring an image in your mind of what he wanted me to drive, then here’s one clue: their family nicknamed it “the Beast.” I mentally called it the “white whale” for another clue.

This thing exasperated that terrible anxiety I felt about my destructive and powerful capabilities behind the wheel, simply for how large the vehicle was. Even going barely 20-25 mph on the driveway with it and being forced to back up and turn around at either end, with nobody around to harm, no gulf on the side to plunge over, my hyper breathing showed itself again. My uncle gave me some good advice that helped a lot that first time, mentioning the size of the vehicle as a positive; there wasn’t a whole lot that I could do that would irreparably damage either the vehicle or myself while I was in it. Plus, the high vantage point offered me a good view of the path and where I was. He also encouraged me to still that panic because of its potential as a self-fulfilling prophecy; while in the haze of freaking out, thinking of how far I was backing up or feeling that anxious pressure to move, in such a state, it was much more likely that I could mistakenly press the wrongly intended pedal and cause THE accident that I was so mentally worked up about. It was a good incentive to calm myself while behind the wheel, to stop and think and make sure I was aware of what was happening right now, rather than worrying about what might occur.

After that, uncle set me up with the riding lawn mower to practice on. That was much easier, of course, although the slant of the yard and lack of seatbelt made me worry at times about flipping it or falling out of it. I practiced with that Monday, even getting the hang of it enough to take a couple of humorous selfies. It didn’t take long for me to get comfortable with that, even going as fast as the thing would allow, over the slants and holes of the yard. I began to learn how to adjust the speed with the pedals and pressure and how to back up as well. 

Monday night, uncle Dave suggested I drive to the two mile mark from their house in the Suburban and I agreed to do so. Very little panicked breathing this time but I still jerked the wheel to correct too much, basically hugging the white line out of fear of the opposite side drivers. And if you know these country, PA roads, then you know that the white line is not where you want to be, 90% of the time, due to pot holes and steep drop offs. After we went shopping in town, we headed home and I drove a little more than the 2 miles route I was used to, on the main road which has the 45 speed limit instead of the much more comfortable 35 that I was used to. More rapid breathing on that part of it, and still the problem with jerking the wheel.

Monday night we had a bad storm and the power went out, staying out until late Tuesday night. So, while I was alone during the day, I practiced a lot on the lawn mower. Uncle Dave was very concerned about hooking up the generator because the fridge had been without power all night and day, so, we did not practice with any car or anything that day. But I did notice something different as I laid down to sleep that night. A buzzing movement in my body and limbs. I could feel it in my right foot, like a tingling pressure, remembered from pressing the pedals of the lawn mower and the Suburban. And a buzzing in my torso and abdomen, that I can only equate to the way one feels after jogging or running for exercise, once you’ve come to a stop. The craving pull of momentum urging you forward still. For the first time, I felt like I had crossed the boundary from being a passive passenger and had turned into one of the moving.

Wednesday was full of more practice with the lawn mower and uncle brought out the four wheelers. They had some minor issues working but when they did work, it was great! So much faster than the mower and with different controls. We were on those for almost 2 hours and I lost track of time but it was a really great experience. Thursday I awoke to the Suburban parked outside of the garage and uncle Dave suggested in a text that I could practice on the driveway alone. I was still uncertain about my capabilities, so, I took the lawn mower out first…but it was extremely boring. I went around my circuit twice and felt so at ease on the lawn mower that by the time I backed it into the garage, I was desperate for the change of pace that the white whale would bring. Still, those first couple of times on the driveway by myself were a little sloppy as I drove down and backed up to turn around and go back up to the garage. The next time I attempted, a little later in the day before any one else came home, I got out frequently, checking where I was. I stopped on the middle of the driveway, looking at the sides and seeing how close to the edges I was in relation to how it looked when I sat in the seat. I got out and looked while backing up at either end of the driveway to see how much space I had and what that space looked like in relation to what I saw out the back window.

My cousin Nick came over for dinner with his fiancée, Mikayla, and we watched Rogue One for May the 4th. Not my favorite film but then again, I never was a fan of Star Wars. I just can’t get into the space fights and they happen a lot. Still it was nice to have them over and talk with them about BYU. It sounds like exactly the place that I want to be.

Friday. Ugh, Friday. Friday was both a good day and a bad day, in my opinion. I got to practice with the Suburban a lot on the driveway, enough that I felt eager to try to drive to town or the church, since I had never gone the whole way before; the point was, I was excited to get onto the road again. The driveway was too slow and I could not appropriately gauge how well I was doing as far as control since it was so short a ride. I could make it down and then back up to the garage in under 2 minutes. However, when uncle Dave suggested I drive all the way to Mid Valley where my little cousins were having their band concert, I was extremely nervous. Especially since it sounded like it was far away. How long would I be behind the wheel? Not only that, but uncle David had his GPS up so it was someplace he was unfamiliar with too. Also, he kept on getting phone calls while I was driving and I felt panic grip me every time as I had to depend on myself a little bit to pay attention to everything and still maintain speeds so that other drivers wouldn’t get irritated with me. And still, I breathed rapidly and would jerk to over correct occasionally.

But that isn’t the worst part. At some point, uncle David let me trade with him, when I’d driven about 45 minutes from home and I thought, “ok, I did good. I am safe for the rest of the evening.” Especially since he joked about me driving home in the dark and I thought he was serious before he revealed he was joking. But he wasn’t! He just didn’t want me panicking about it all night before the concert was over and he revealed that he wanted me to drive on the freeway on the way home! He drove half the way on the freeway and we stopped at a rest area to trade spots. Immediately, I was hyperventilating as I sat behind the wheel. I don’t remember really thinking anything except about how fast I would be going and how I didn’t even know how to keep the wheel straight yet. I almost preferred the curves of the smaller country roads since my over correction was a little less noticeable and less dire. But here, instead of cars driving in the opposite direction and passing me in just a second, there would be cars driving right beside me, passing me for longer periods of time. What if I got nervous and overcorrected with the wheel and nudged into them? What if they saw me overcorrecting and didn’t know what I was doing and then THEY swerved to avoid me? What if someone stopped suddenly in front of me?

Uncle David sat in the passenger seat but he did not let go of the wheel for more than a minute as I pushed the gas pedal to keep us going at those ridiculously high speeds. 65?? Why? Why must you ever have need to go so fast unless you’re driving an ambulance? I’m sorry, but I am not in that much of a hurry! I felt sluggish and that made me even more panicked because often I tried to look down at my speed and realizing I was looking too long would dart up and remember where I was on the road. My face began to go numb with a hot buzzing and I was lightheaded most of the way on the freeway, begging uncle Dave to trade with me. He agreed once we got off on our exit and he had me stop at a gas station. I didn’t even park in a space before hopping out of the driver’s seat.

I remember, even as I sat in the passenger side on the rest of the way home, I felt so incredibly ashamed of myself. As feeling came back to my face and the mood in the vehicle lightened, I still felt that I had disappointed myself and uncle David, even though he didn’t indicate anything of the like. Even though at the time my fears felt justified because of how little control I had shown of being able to steer even on a straightaway, I was not happy with letting it all overwhelm me so much. I felt embarrassed and humiliated in front of my little cousins in the back seat having to watch me in such a state. It highlighted to me the core problem I have with myself and how inferior I am to everyone else my age, how I’m basically a giant baby. Still, I felt a desire to be prepared, to not be caught off guard again. To get rid of that anxiety entirely by practicing until it was gone. So that any suggestion of where we might go to practice would not be met again with such a pathetic display.

Saturday my young cousin, my sister, HB, and I went with grandma to the Girls Camp Kick Off in Scranton. It was a fun event and the girls were all so cute doing their little activities and getting to know each other. It reminded me so much of when I was their age and going to camp. I was also able to show off the work that I had done this week for the camp decorations. I will be the leader with the first years and we have two cabins to decorate. Our Christ-like attribute is Diligence and the scripture we chose with it is D&C 10:4.

 4 Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end.

When we read that, me and the YCLs thought that it sounded like running a marathon, so, our decorations will be running and racing themed. I’m helping HB do decorations that are shoes with the YW values on them. In addition to that, we also thought of posters, like the motivational posters and advertisements you sometimes see in the high school locker room and weight room. Except they’ll be church themed. So, the first one I came up with and finished is an advertisement for a sports drink/water called “Living Water” which, as you may know, is Christ in scripture.

The girls really liked that and their flag has to do with the same sort of theme as well. I plan on working on the rest of the posters this week so that I can get them printed off bigger at FedEx Office before camp. Afterwards, grandma met with uncle Dave at Tim Horton’s and as my cousin and I got into the Suburban in the passenger seats, grandma calls over at the window, “Is Mandy gonna drive you home?” And of course, uncle David thought that was a capital idea! What a teasing stinker that grandma of mine is! I’m glad, however, that on the ride to and from Scranton, she gave me some advice that I’d forgotten. She told me to look at a point further on the road ahead in order to enable better control of the wheel. She’d told me before but it completely slipped my mind this entire week. And what had I been doing this week? Looking at where the yellow lines met with the front of the truck, trying to keep them at a certain spot in order to stay closer to them. No wonder I was swerving so badly!

So, it actually was not bad at all, driving home from Tim Horton’s. I did not breathe badly and uncle David did not correct me at all about my placement on the road, nor any over-corrections, so, I assume I did well in that regard. And again, this morning, I had opportunity to drive us halfway to church, with the same results, although I did take a turn a little too wide at one point.

Overall, I am proud of myself and getting to where I am now. I am actually confident in my ability to drive simply, and all I have to do now is do it a lot and get used to it. I am so incredibly grateful for my uncle and his patience and willingness to guide me. I know that he asked me to do things I was scared of, to try things that I desperately did not want to do but because of that, I am at a place where I was not a week ago. I have lost a lot of fear of the road and taking control of my movement upon it and I feel the energy in my limbs that signals me as a driver, no longer just a passenger. I am so thankful for his teachings and for the uplifting Spirit that I felt this week that helped keep my spirits and my confidence up.