Were you all saying prayers for me? Because I feel like mine and yours, together, worked! The last couple of weeks have been wonderful and those financial troubles that popped up before? Yeah, cleared up. Just like that. All I needed to do was to wait for the Lord's timetable to reveal itself.
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I've been thinking about 3 Nephi, the section of the Book of Mormon where Christ visits the Americas after his resurrection. I think chapter 17 is my favorite because it just hit me so special and suddenly while reading it over the past week. Christ comes and teaches the Nephites and as he's getting ready to say his good byes and ascend again, he can see the people crying and that they don't want him to leave yet. So, moved with compassion, he asks them to bring their sick and afflicted and he heals them. Then he asks them to bring their children and he teaches them. And after, he cries as well, and I wonder why.
At first, I thought, possibly, it was because he wasn't ready to go yet either. But the more I thought about it, I thought of how much the Nephites clung to him during this time. They could feel his spirit so strongly because he was right there with them and he must have been proud of them for the choices they were willing to make, how this event changed them. But then there must have been sadness too, knowing that once he was gone, they would forget him. That their struggles and temptations would come back more important. And I think about how bittersweet that moment must have been for him.
I think about the Nephites too and my own life. At one point, he says he's going to return on a specific day at a specific location and once he's gone, word spreads of this upcoming event. And Nephites from all over traveled this distance all through the night in order to get there in time to see him. I think about the crying Nephites and how it feels when I struggle, about their dedication and love for the Savior. I think about where my love is on the scale and how much dedication that I am willing to show to him.
I've been struggling ever since I got here to find something to use my gifts for. I'm going to have a good chunk of debt by graduation(around $20,000 or so, but doable to pay off with a 3-4 year plan) so I'm trying to find a goal, a career, that will be worth it. Knowing that the tuition costs are subsidized by tithing from the members of the church puts an even greater responsibility on my shoulders.
Originally, my idea was to come here and get training to be an artist. But to be honest, the demand for painterly artists who just sell their work is low. Even at the best, my wildest dreams, I really have to consider what someone like David Bowman makes and look at the path of how he got to where he is. And commission work is so spotty, it does not fit the plan of self-reliance and independence that I want. Could I work at a call center AND be an artist on the side and live off of that? Yes. But I don't want to work at a call center past the time I need a cash flow during school. I want a career. Otherwise, what is all the debt for?
Finding it much more viable and lucrative(and something I'm just as passionate about), I thought, "Okay. I'll be a writer." Because that could lead to absolutely anything. I could intern at Deseret Industries or the LDS Church, write articles and blogs and things like that. Get into the industry, edit new novels and write my own.
That's still a possibility but as my friend, Andrew, recently posted on his blog, and I actually had a similar realization these past couple of weeks about the writing craft: it's very ego-driven. Can you help people with the worlds you create and the words you put down? Of course. I have been heavily impacted by writers of gospel topics who framed things in just the right way to open my mind and perception. But as someone who takes validation very seriously(seriously, it's pathetic how many times people on the phones at work can just ruin my life because they are annoyed I called them at dinner) I think that pride and narcissism are problems that I have. I have a lot invested in feeling important, in being valuable to other people, in my creations being worth something to others.
I'm not saying that I don't want to be a writer but in trying to think, "What will bring me closest to Christ? What will enable me to bring more people closer to Christ?" I feel less and less confident about writing as my end goal. I keep coming back to the Plan of Salvation and why we're here. Yes, it would be so much fun to sit and write books that tantalize the imaginations of people and inspire them. But I can't help feeling a sense of "wrongness" about it. I don't think that's what I'm here to do.
I don't know exactly yet and my goal for this year is to take as many generals and foundations as possible, and spend the off-track praying and fasting about this, so, next year's semesters I can start taking classes with a definite goal in mind. But here's what has happened. First: Last year, service has been imprinted in my mind as something worthy of making time for. The most fulfilling tasks I can do in this life is to serve others as an expression of my love for them and my faith in Christ.
Second, the people I interact with who have my major all want to be teachers. Nobody else wants to be writers like me, that I know or have talked to. It keeps coming up, almost like someone is intentionally bugging me about it. Either someone who's an English major gets introduced to me and they talk about going into teaching, or when I say I'm an English major, they ask, "Oh, are you going to be a teacher?" Lately, everyone I encounter, at work, at church, and at school, they're all either Engineers, Nurses, or Teachers for majors.
Third, recently, one of my supervisors told me that I have a very peaceful and calming nature about me. I'm sitting over here like a ball of anxiety and insecurity like, "Lolwut?" But it's something that people have said about me before. And I do recognize that I take on the peacemaker role very often, that drama often sidesteps me because I'm just not aware of it until it directly involves me, and I have a desire to nurture. To love and be loved. My name does mean "lovable" after all.
Fourth, also at work, very recently, one of my supervisors sat a newb next to me. It was his first day on the phones and he was so adorable not having a clue how things worked. Very often, he looked to me with questions and asking for help and tips, and with patience and warmth in my heart, I catered to him. This is the point that I really got the feeling that the Lord was trying to tell me something about my future and career path. Because even as I realized how much I enjoyed nurturing him and helping him, I remembered this feeling. Back when I worked for Price Chopper they had me train new employees all of the time and I loved that. And even as recently as September, I trained new people at Super 8. When I know what I am teaching and I have confidence in the material, I am very good at bringing others up to speed.
Finally, fifth, I think about a life of service and being a good steward of this education I have and will continue to receive. My first reaction upon realizing that I might have to change my focus was disgust and revulsion and "DO NOT WANT!" When I sat down to analyze why exactly I was so opposed to becoming a teacher, it came down to two things.
1. I hate teachers. I have a strong bias against teachers from my own personally experiences growing up. They diagnosed me with ADD at a young age but looking back, I think it could have just been a case of "Your curriculum does not fit with my creative mind" my boredom misinterpreted as an inability to pay attention. Because I'm fine now. Magic adulthood has cured me of ADD. Anyways, a lot of my teachers were not sympathetic, were not helpful and even said things that I took to heart, that continued to define me into adulthood. Things like, "Art isn't a real career" or how difficult I was being by not being teachable in math and science, making me feel like now Math class is my nemesis and it's an entity that is deliberately trying to destroy my life.
The only positive experiences I had with teachers that really stick out in my mind were my English and Reading teachers. They just awoke that passion for the written word inside me and nurtured the heck out of it, so, that now, it's where I feel safest, it's what I have the most passion for.
2. It'll be hard work. Cutting through the willy nilly and all my feelings about teachers, this is what it comes down to. It will challenge me to become a teacher, not only for the schooling I will have to go through but also the job itself. With the current climate, politically and socially in this country, if I were a parent, I'd be reluctant to send my kid to school just for the way things are being framed from their side of things. Teachers have a lot of power in the lives of children and thus a lot of responsibility. And there's a lot you can't do or so to cross lines because in the end, those are not your kids, even if you grow attached and feel like they are.
But there is a break down in the family going on right now. The soldiers who fight to maintain those core values are growing fewer and farther between. From what I've learned in my Eternal Family class, family is the whole point of the Plan of Salvation. It's detailed and everything but the bottom line is that family is why we're here. We cannot lose this connection to each other. And I forget the scripture but there's something about how if the mother and father fail in their duties, then it is up to others to pick up the slack for the teaching of the children. We will be held accountable along with the parents if we stand by and do nothing.
I also thought of how hypocritical that is. Here I am, coming out here to challenge myself, to be refined by trials and hard work, and I balk at a plan that is being presented to me because it'll take me out of my comfort zone. Looking at my Grad Plan and the classes I have set out for my creative writing focus, all of them sound fun, super interesting, and easy. Read a book and analyze it? Boom, got it. Write a short story? Boom, got it. Edit a paper? Grammar sucks but I know the rules. But then we go: Teach a class? I'mma hide over here.
...So, that's the current issue on the table. How to make this education worth it to God and myself. How to best become His hands using this education. And the good thing about it is, being a teacher would leave me plenty of time to write as well, so, just sayin. Now I just need to figure out if I want to be an art teacher or an English teacher, lol.
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Sunday, February 4, 2018
What Lack I Yet? ...Lots
This has not been a good week. Or it has and I'm just being tested, depending on your perspective.
My time management went to heck by Thursday and I was starting to run behind on my school assignments. Having a nice chunk of money from the Pell Grant left over, and realizing that 1. working on Sundays was probably not, spiritually, a good plan and 2. That working at all was seriously taking a lot of time from school work, I came up with the ingenious plan to put in my two weeks and just start working again after the spring semester is over.
I know the Lord does not want me to do this because an hour after I finished a budget for the rest of the grant money that would enable me to live for the next 2-3 months...Angela comes home and tells me about some unfortunate circumstances relating to last months rent and some fees that we have to deal with. ...so, with everything so uncertain for the future, it would be highly irresponsible to quit my secure job right now. Included in my budget plan was the plan to go after a campus job, which I acknowledge would give me less(yet manageable) hours and severely reduce my cash flow, while still providing me with some. But with the job at SSI, I am making just enough to keep up financially as it is. No matter how you slice it, I cannot leave that job for a lesser pay right now.
So, that's made me feel overwhelmed and anxious over the last little while. The struggle to get everything done school-wise amidst this drama AND working on top of it, feeling like my options are extremely limited. But then I've been feeling rather low about my own capabilities as a servant of the Lord.
The last couple of Tuesdays when I've joined my fellow ward missionaries, my companion, Maeve and I, haven't been able to do much. The people we visit are not available and as we search for more work to be done, there isn't any. She and I stayed behind and talked last Tuesday and although it was nice to get to know Maeve better, I felt incredibly useless as everyone else returned and described an evening of service and fellowshipping. I got excited this Thursday when she and I were going to make an in the middle of the week visit but we struck out again as the person could not be found.
And I was asked to teach Gospel Principles today. I prepared for that this week, knowing it was likely I would be needed. But I do not feel like it went well. First, I ended 10 minutes early. Second, I included a reference to the Mike Myers movie, Cat in the Hat(it felt like a good idea when I was planning the lesson but standing there asking if anybody had seen it and mentioning the cupcakeinator, I felt like the Spirit probably left the room because of my foolishness; it wasn't a reverent movie and I shouldn't have brought it up). Third, I had everyone read Genesis chapter 1, to go through the process of the creation but it didn't connect or land well and Finally sometimes when people made comments, my mind went blank and I had nothing to respond to it with. No way to carry that forward in a discussion or validating people for their input.
I know that right now, I'm feeling particularly sensitive and stressed and that there is an element of unreasonableness about my criticisms. I know that the lesson wasn't about me and I pray, that with my immaturity and fumbling, that someone felt the Spirit impart something they needed. Because that is the true teacher and ultimately, I am merely supposed to be a vehicle for it to work and enter the room.
I also know this is a big fat pity party in here right now. The only reason I'm even spending this much time on detailing these trials and tribulations is because I have faith. It's one thing that has never left me, the understanding that my Father in Heaven loves me and He only wants what is best for me, even when I, personally, feel like life is being unfair or uncomfortable. I know that He is busy teaching me, that He wants to bring me closer to Him, and that through all of this...He believes I can overcome it and He is willing to help me if I ask Him.
I cannot see the end to these troubling, stressful times, but I post this in hopes that we can share, together, in something beautiful and faith-affirming, when further down the line, things happen and we can look back on these things and realize what it meant. When I can realize what I was being prepared for. I know that Jesus Christ lives and that He is my Savior and I am grateful for these challenges and opportunities to grow, to draw closer to Him as I learn to lean on and depend on him, even though I probably don't sound very grateful at the moment.
I am also extremely grateful to my roommate, Angela, and her strength and companionship during this time. And I am grateful for Maeve in giving me the opportunity to serve with her, and to teach a Sunday school lesson. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
My time management went to heck by Thursday and I was starting to run behind on my school assignments. Having a nice chunk of money from the Pell Grant left over, and realizing that 1. working on Sundays was probably not, spiritually, a good plan and 2. That working at all was seriously taking a lot of time from school work, I came up with the ingenious plan to put in my two weeks and just start working again after the spring semester is over.
I know the Lord does not want me to do this because an hour after I finished a budget for the rest of the grant money that would enable me to live for the next 2-3 months...Angela comes home and tells me about some unfortunate circumstances relating to last months rent and some fees that we have to deal with. ...so, with everything so uncertain for the future, it would be highly irresponsible to quit my secure job right now. Included in my budget plan was the plan to go after a campus job, which I acknowledge would give me less(yet manageable) hours and severely reduce my cash flow, while still providing me with some. But with the job at SSI, I am making just enough to keep up financially as it is. No matter how you slice it, I cannot leave that job for a lesser pay right now.
So, that's made me feel overwhelmed and anxious over the last little while. The struggle to get everything done school-wise amidst this drama AND working on top of it, feeling like my options are extremely limited. But then I've been feeling rather low about my own capabilities as a servant of the Lord.
The last couple of Tuesdays when I've joined my fellow ward missionaries, my companion, Maeve and I, haven't been able to do much. The people we visit are not available and as we search for more work to be done, there isn't any. She and I stayed behind and talked last Tuesday and although it was nice to get to know Maeve better, I felt incredibly useless as everyone else returned and described an evening of service and fellowshipping. I got excited this Thursday when she and I were going to make an in the middle of the week visit but we struck out again as the person could not be found.
And I was asked to teach Gospel Principles today. I prepared for that this week, knowing it was likely I would be needed. But I do not feel like it went well. First, I ended 10 minutes early. Second, I included a reference to the Mike Myers movie, Cat in the Hat(it felt like a good idea when I was planning the lesson but standing there asking if anybody had seen it and mentioning the cupcakeinator, I felt like the Spirit probably left the room because of my foolishness; it wasn't a reverent movie and I shouldn't have brought it up). Third, I had everyone read Genesis chapter 1, to go through the process of the creation but it didn't connect or land well and Finally sometimes when people made comments, my mind went blank and I had nothing to respond to it with. No way to carry that forward in a discussion or validating people for their input.
I know that right now, I'm feeling particularly sensitive and stressed and that there is an element of unreasonableness about my criticisms. I know that the lesson wasn't about me and I pray, that with my immaturity and fumbling, that someone felt the Spirit impart something they needed. Because that is the true teacher and ultimately, I am merely supposed to be a vehicle for it to work and enter the room.
I also know this is a big fat pity party in here right now. The only reason I'm even spending this much time on detailing these trials and tribulations is because I have faith. It's one thing that has never left me, the understanding that my Father in Heaven loves me and He only wants what is best for me, even when I, personally, feel like life is being unfair or uncomfortable. I know that He is busy teaching me, that He wants to bring me closer to Him, and that through all of this...He believes I can overcome it and He is willing to help me if I ask Him.
I cannot see the end to these troubling, stressful times, but I post this in hopes that we can share, together, in something beautiful and faith-affirming, when further down the line, things happen and we can look back on these things and realize what it meant. When I can realize what I was being prepared for. I know that Jesus Christ lives and that He is my Savior and I am grateful for these challenges and opportunities to grow, to draw closer to Him as I learn to lean on and depend on him, even though I probably don't sound very grateful at the moment.
I am also extremely grateful to my roommate, Angela, and her strength and companionship during this time. And I am grateful for Maeve in giving me the opportunity to serve with her, and to teach a Sunday school lesson. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Math is for Heathens
I should be doing homework right now but I thought I'd update this for now, since I haven't really posted since school started. As far as how I would categorize my feelings towards schooling, I try to be respectful, in saying that I am a steward of this education I am receiving and I can feel myself changing as I am challenged and put under pressure.
I dislike Math for the Real World so much though. I'm sorry. ;_; I am not going to use this. I have been budgeting since I moved out here and got a job; I know how to quantitatively reason my way through decisions about big purchases, and I haven't used Algebra in 12 years. So, it feels like I'm going backwards to take this class, because it breaks down the quantitative stuff, confuses you with word problems, and then trains you to use Excel, even though a simple checkbook could provide the same function.
The first day I had the class felt like taking a baseball bat to the shins. I was so ready to be optimistic about it and try my best. Until my teacher put an Algebra problem on the board and told the class to solve it. I sat there, watching the people around me writing on their papers, using their calculators, all the while I could not for the life of me remember what the heck I was even supposed to do with the numbers on the board. Were we counting? Was that what that meant? Was this a "fingers applicable" situation?
It was incredibly demoralizing, and I couldn't help embracing the sense of failure that settled onto my shoulders, considering the fact it was the FIRST day of the class and I was already lost. What was I doing here? What was I going to do? I took special ed in middle school JUST for math and I remember taking 2 pre-Algebra classes in high school before I took the actual Algebra. I am a frigging idiot baby when it comes to math ANYTHING. How was I going to survive this college course? I was going to fail. Maybe it meant I wasn't cut out for college period.
On and on it went. And to make matters worse, it was raining that Tuesday, so, my sneakers were soaked and I just felt wholly depressed and defeated. As I went to work that afternoon, I debated whether or not to go to the ward missionary thing we do every Tuesday night. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I was so depressed, I would probably not be very good at supporting anyone else. Oh look, something else I fail at.
At that moment, a spark of defensiveness lit up inside me. I partially blame the ward missionary group I hang out with and how much they inspire me to do good for others. The rest of it, I blame on the Spirit, which I have come to recognize as being present when we go out Tuesday nights fellowshipping. Anyway, my defensiveness clung to this Tuesday event as something I didn't want to give up on or cheap out on. "No! This is exactly the time to be doing service!" Realizing I'd spent enough time focusing on myself for the day, I sang an angry version of Nephi's Courage, drew a silly doodle of myself, and then made plans to contact my cousin Mead, who is an Engineering major, to help me reboot my brain about Algebra.
It is one thing to know the platitudes: service brings us out of ourselves; faith is an action word; moving forward is problem solving, etc. But in the situation, when math is making you cry and your sneakers are filled with water and you just don't feel good enough...it is so hard to remember who you are and why you are here. To remember those platitudes. It's one thing I can be proud of though, that in that moment, I learned a lesson by putting those sayings into action. Not only that but I've started a habit - through positive reinforcement and remembering how I handled this moment of vulnerability and weakness, I have something to build upon next time.
Math still continues to make me cry occasionally but I haven't gotten stuck again like I did that day. And I hunt for and search for those opportunities to do service.
All the other classes I have are fine. English 101 is my fav this semester. I'm sure I won't be saying that when we have to write an "informative" paper and I have to report the facts in an unbiased manner. But for now, it is my favorite. And already, I've gotten feedback from my classmates and the TA that I'm a really good writer or something. Here I am, desperate for some criticism and totally ready to be refined and judged and the only thing anybody can do is tell me I don't know how to use commas. Yeah, sure. But what about my coherence or entertainment value? Is it interesting to read? Can you understand it? Where is the writing weak? As I said, this is the honeymoon period and I'll have a rude awakening when people stop stroking my ego. XD How unfair everything will feel THAT day!
My roommate Angela is my new best friend. I really admire her a lot and I love hanging out with her. We watch M.A.S.H. and make food together and she's very active with church and it encourages me so much to do better to get involved. We all have things we need work on, I'm sure, but what I see and what I watch her do, inspires me to work on those things I need to be better at. She is so ready to help out. Everywhere we go, she's not a part of the committee or whatever but she's helping set up and helping clean up. I need to work on making these habits mine, because it's still an afterthought with me or something that I sit there and debate("Hmmm, should I sit...or should I help make sure all these tables have water, like those other people are doing? ...I really feel like sitting....but those tables need water...").
Another person I've been watching closely lately is Maeve. She's the companion to Jason's ward mission leader(I forget what the position is called but they're supposed to be a pair in the calling, I know) and she's my companion on Tuesday nights when we visit people. She's very approachable and friendly but also there's an air of professionalism about her that I really appreciate. And she takes her calling seriously. I'm learning a lot from her and I try to say yes to things she asks of me, seeking after those learning opportunities. One thing she brought up to me recently that has really stuck in my mind is the idea of "making time" to do the Lord's work. Sometimes I feel so busy with school and my job, it is a struggle to find the time to do things for others. But I have been trying to look for hidden hours where I've been telling myself "I can't because" and filling it with those things that could go there. It might end up seeming strange to people that I clean the church on Saturdays for only 45 minutes before leaving to go to work but it is a hidden hour that I can give away.
I also feel inspired by my brother, who is on a mission in Scottsdale, Arizona right now. I didn't realize how much I would need the emails from him every week nor how much I would be learning from him or be affected by the work he is doing. But his kindness and willingness to serve the Lord, to teach people and to love them gets me pumped for the same things. That's what they say, isn't it? We're all supposed to be missionaries. Just reading about what he does, it makes me want to have experiences too, to look for those opportunities.
I am so grateful for this gospel in my life and for all the friends and family I have around me. If ever you need anything, please, let me know! I want to serve!
I dislike Math for the Real World so much though. I'm sorry. ;_; I am not going to use this. I have been budgeting since I moved out here and got a job; I know how to quantitatively reason my way through decisions about big purchases, and I haven't used Algebra in 12 years. So, it feels like I'm going backwards to take this class, because it breaks down the quantitative stuff, confuses you with word problems, and then trains you to use Excel, even though a simple checkbook could provide the same function.
The first day I had the class felt like taking a baseball bat to the shins. I was so ready to be optimistic about it and try my best. Until my teacher put an Algebra problem on the board and told the class to solve it. I sat there, watching the people around me writing on their papers, using their calculators, all the while I could not for the life of me remember what the heck I was even supposed to do with the numbers on the board. Were we counting? Was that what that meant? Was this a "fingers applicable" situation?
It was incredibly demoralizing, and I couldn't help embracing the sense of failure that settled onto my shoulders, considering the fact it was the FIRST day of the class and I was already lost. What was I doing here? What was I going to do? I took special ed in middle school JUST for math and I remember taking 2 pre-Algebra classes in high school before I took the actual Algebra. I am a frigging idiot baby when it comes to math ANYTHING. How was I going to survive this college course? I was going to fail. Maybe it meant I wasn't cut out for college period.
On and on it went. And to make matters worse, it was raining that Tuesday, so, my sneakers were soaked and I just felt wholly depressed and defeated. As I went to work that afternoon, I debated whether or not to go to the ward missionary thing we do every Tuesday night. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I was so depressed, I would probably not be very good at supporting anyone else. Oh look, something else I fail at.
At that moment, a spark of defensiveness lit up inside me. I partially blame the ward missionary group I hang out with and how much they inspire me to do good for others. The rest of it, I blame on the Spirit, which I have come to recognize as being present when we go out Tuesday nights fellowshipping. Anyway, my defensiveness clung to this Tuesday event as something I didn't want to give up on or cheap out on. "No! This is exactly the time to be doing service!" Realizing I'd spent enough time focusing on myself for the day, I sang an angry version of Nephi's Courage, drew a silly doodle of myself, and then made plans to contact my cousin Mead, who is an Engineering major, to help me reboot my brain about Algebra.
It is one thing to know the platitudes: service brings us out of ourselves; faith is an action word; moving forward is problem solving, etc. But in the situation, when math is making you cry and your sneakers are filled with water and you just don't feel good enough...it is so hard to remember who you are and why you are here. To remember those platitudes. It's one thing I can be proud of though, that in that moment, I learned a lesson by putting those sayings into action. Not only that but I've started a habit - through positive reinforcement and remembering how I handled this moment of vulnerability and weakness, I have something to build upon next time.
Math still continues to make me cry occasionally but I haven't gotten stuck again like I did that day. And I hunt for and search for those opportunities to do service.
All the other classes I have are fine. English 101 is my fav this semester. I'm sure I won't be saying that when we have to write an "informative" paper and I have to report the facts in an unbiased manner. But for now, it is my favorite. And already, I've gotten feedback from my classmates and the TA that I'm a really good writer or something. Here I am, desperate for some criticism and totally ready to be refined and judged and the only thing anybody can do is tell me I don't know how to use commas. Yeah, sure. But what about my coherence or entertainment value? Is it interesting to read? Can you understand it? Where is the writing weak? As I said, this is the honeymoon period and I'll have a rude awakening when people stop stroking my ego. XD How unfair everything will feel THAT day!
My roommate Angela is my new best friend. I really admire her a lot and I love hanging out with her. We watch M.A.S.H. and make food together and she's very active with church and it encourages me so much to do better to get involved. We all have things we need work on, I'm sure, but what I see and what I watch her do, inspires me to work on those things I need to be better at. She is so ready to help out. Everywhere we go, she's not a part of the committee or whatever but she's helping set up and helping clean up. I need to work on making these habits mine, because it's still an afterthought with me or something that I sit there and debate("Hmmm, should I sit...or should I help make sure all these tables have water, like those other people are doing? ...I really feel like sitting....but those tables need water...").
Another person I've been watching closely lately is Maeve. She's the companion to Jason's ward mission leader(I forget what the position is called but they're supposed to be a pair in the calling, I know) and she's my companion on Tuesday nights when we visit people. She's very approachable and friendly but also there's an air of professionalism about her that I really appreciate. And she takes her calling seriously. I'm learning a lot from her and I try to say yes to things she asks of me, seeking after those learning opportunities. One thing she brought up to me recently that has really stuck in my mind is the idea of "making time" to do the Lord's work. Sometimes I feel so busy with school and my job, it is a struggle to find the time to do things for others. But I have been trying to look for hidden hours where I've been telling myself "I can't because" and filling it with those things that could go there. It might end up seeming strange to people that I clean the church on Saturdays for only 45 minutes before leaving to go to work but it is a hidden hour that I can give away.
I also feel inspired by my brother, who is on a mission in Scottsdale, Arizona right now. I didn't realize how much I would need the emails from him every week nor how much I would be learning from him or be affected by the work he is doing. But his kindness and willingness to serve the Lord, to teach people and to love them gets me pumped for the same things. That's what they say, isn't it? We're all supposed to be missionaries. Just reading about what he does, it makes me want to have experiences too, to look for those opportunities.
I am so grateful for this gospel in my life and for all the friends and family I have around me. If ever you need anything, please, let me know! I want to serve!
Sunday, December 17, 2017
The Lease
So, I just moved into my very first apartment, which is a pretty big checkmark on my list of things to complete on my journey for independence. Apparently, the Lord is not done challenging me yet. The lease for my apartment is up for renewal in March and of course, I was planning on re-signing it. I want to give this place at least a year before I move again. Well, I found out last Saturday that both of my roommates will not be re-signing it with me. Angela for sure and Jessica maybe.
Within the lease, a tenant who is moving has the responsibility of filling their spot. Those who sign the "new" lease have the obligation of finding new tenants to sign the lease with them. Aka, me. You remember how stressed it made me trying to find someone to take that contract I didn't want? Yeah, that was my first reaction. My second was, "That's too much! I can't!" realizing, as I'd be the only one re-signing, I'd become the main and all of the utilities would be transferred to my name/control.
Not that I can't but that I never have before and it felt like a lot of responsibility to take on, not only to find 2 people to move in by March but taking over the utilities as well AND doing it all while I'm trying to finish my first semester of school(which is not happening right now but will be, come March). So, by Sunday morning, I was seriously considering NOT re-signing and just moving out with everybody else in March. Definitely not what I wanted to do and I was certainly feeling discontented, frustrated, and confused about it. There were a lot of prayers being said that morning because I simply didn't know what the right answer was.
In sacrament meeting, Nate gave a talk about depending on the Savior, citing the list of everything His Atonement covers in Alma 7. There were things in his talk that stood out to me, particularly how he started out talking about the pouty mood he can get in when facing trials, tribulations, or new changes. This rang true for me and what I was currently going through, so, he had my attention right from the start. Especially what he said after, that no matter what we go through, the one constant in our lives is the Savior.
He spoke about how we often hesitate to go to the Savior with our "small" problems because of this great thing that He did for us, we don't want to feel like a burden or it feels like these little insecurities and issues are too small to be worth His time. But one of the big points of this life is for us to learn how to trust in Jesus Christ completely and depend on Him. Nate also mentioned the passages in Matthew 11, where Christ talks about us taking His yoke upon us. Nate explained how we often think of a yoke as a harness on a beast of burden to pull a really heavy load. But in actuality, a yoke for oxen is usually something that is put on a pair of animals, not just one. So, when Christ tells us to put on His yoke, He's not telling us to do it alone or to carry our burdens and heavy load by ourselves. He is saying, "let me push with you; let me take that load with you."
In my journey for independence, I often feel like I have to do things alone. I mean...that's the whole point. And that may be true for my aunt and uncle, my cousins, my mom and dad, that being "on my own" means I shouldn't run to them for every little problem I have and instead rely on myself to make decisions. But I very frequently forget that this is not true for the Savior. My problem is exactly as Nate described: I hesitate to burden Christ with my issues because, you know, He's "busy" washing people clean of their sins. But His love for me extends beyond just needing to repent of things to get back onto the straight and narrow but also in dealing with the hardships that try to knock me OFF of that road.
I forget Brother Pyper's daughter's name and I think it is Brinlee. She also gave a talk that caught my attention, about the struggle to be perfect. Right away, she cited a feeling I'm familiar with, the putting off of important spiritual things because "I have time" and how staggering the difference is when she actually studies and commits her life to serving the Savior. This is the contrast I spoke of in my last couple of entries as I made the transition from laziness to diligent daily study and prayer, and I liked how Brinlee described this feeling as if she were "shining." I never visualized it that way but I know what she's talking about, how I feel...."awake." How I can hear with clarity, His words meant for me, how everywhere I look, suddenly, I see God's hand in everything. I know that He is always there and always involved, so, I know, in that time when I couldn't hear and couldn't feel Him, it was me that was "turned off."
I also liked the perspective Brinlee brought when she spoke of the hope she feels knowing that there's room for improvement in herself and her life. That the knowledge of eternal progression and moving forward made her feel more hopeful for the future than the times when she thinks she's got a handle on things. Because I know that feeling too, what it is like not to progress, not to move forward, to be standing still with no prospect for the future or any growth to go through. The desire for life ends at that point, because all life is about learning and growing and constantly sharing that with others and growing and learning from them.
Brinlee spoke of how frustrated and discouraged beginning musicians can get when they first start out on an instrument and they can't make the beautiful music they hear other, more experienced musicians play. She said that they learn early on that there is no such thing as a "perfect" performance and how there is always room for improvement and how they keep practicing all of their lives and still never reach perfection, that there's always something new to learn and evolve.
I didn't see how perfectly these messages fit for me until reviewing my notes this past week, which makes me grateful that I take notes during sacrament meeting. So, even with these clear impressions from Heavenly Father, I went to my aunt and uncle's house that evening, for the gift exchange/Christmas party, still with the idea that I'd be moving in March. Thankfully, my cousins and aunt, people who love me, were able to convince me to reconsider these moving plans. It's not that big of a deal and it's not that big of a burden to take on, honestly. The bigger burden would be trying to find a better deal than what I have right now and then still needing to find new roommates in a new place because this is frigging Rexburg and people are moving in and moving out constantly.
For now, my plan is to stay and become the main on the apartment account, to take Heavenly Father's challenge less as a trial and more as an endorsement...that He believes I can do it. Starting this January, I will be looking for new roommate(s) and knowing that my family support me and the Lord supports me, I'm excited and looking forward to these new experiences and opportunities to grow.
Within the lease, a tenant who is moving has the responsibility of filling their spot. Those who sign the "new" lease have the obligation of finding new tenants to sign the lease with them. Aka, me. You remember how stressed it made me trying to find someone to take that contract I didn't want? Yeah, that was my first reaction. My second was, "That's too much! I can't!" realizing, as I'd be the only one re-signing, I'd become the main and all of the utilities would be transferred to my name/control.
Not that I can't but that I never have before and it felt like a lot of responsibility to take on, not only to find 2 people to move in by March but taking over the utilities as well AND doing it all while I'm trying to finish my first semester of school(which is not happening right now but will be, come March). So, by Sunday morning, I was seriously considering NOT re-signing and just moving out with everybody else in March. Definitely not what I wanted to do and I was certainly feeling discontented, frustrated, and confused about it. There were a lot of prayers being said that morning because I simply didn't know what the right answer was.
In sacrament meeting, Nate gave a talk about depending on the Savior, citing the list of everything His Atonement covers in Alma 7. There were things in his talk that stood out to me, particularly how he started out talking about the pouty mood he can get in when facing trials, tribulations, or new changes. This rang true for me and what I was currently going through, so, he had my attention right from the start. Especially what he said after, that no matter what we go through, the one constant in our lives is the Savior.
He spoke about how we often hesitate to go to the Savior with our "small" problems because of this great thing that He did for us, we don't want to feel like a burden or it feels like these little insecurities and issues are too small to be worth His time. But one of the big points of this life is for us to learn how to trust in Jesus Christ completely and depend on Him. Nate also mentioned the passages in Matthew 11, where Christ talks about us taking His yoke upon us. Nate explained how we often think of a yoke as a harness on a beast of burden to pull a really heavy load. But in actuality, a yoke for oxen is usually something that is put on a pair of animals, not just one. So, when Christ tells us to put on His yoke, He's not telling us to do it alone or to carry our burdens and heavy load by ourselves. He is saying, "let me push with you; let me take that load with you."
In my journey for independence, I often feel like I have to do things alone. I mean...that's the whole point. And that may be true for my aunt and uncle, my cousins, my mom and dad, that being "on my own" means I shouldn't run to them for every little problem I have and instead rely on myself to make decisions. But I very frequently forget that this is not true for the Savior. My problem is exactly as Nate described: I hesitate to burden Christ with my issues because, you know, He's "busy" washing people clean of their sins. But His love for me extends beyond just needing to repent of things to get back onto the straight and narrow but also in dealing with the hardships that try to knock me OFF of that road.
I forget Brother Pyper's daughter's name and I think it is Brinlee. She also gave a talk that caught my attention, about the struggle to be perfect. Right away, she cited a feeling I'm familiar with, the putting off of important spiritual things because "I have time" and how staggering the difference is when she actually studies and commits her life to serving the Savior. This is the contrast I spoke of in my last couple of entries as I made the transition from laziness to diligent daily study and prayer, and I liked how Brinlee described this feeling as if she were "shining." I never visualized it that way but I know what she's talking about, how I feel...."awake." How I can hear with clarity, His words meant for me, how everywhere I look, suddenly, I see God's hand in everything. I know that He is always there and always involved, so, I know, in that time when I couldn't hear and couldn't feel Him, it was me that was "turned off."
I also liked the perspective Brinlee brought when she spoke of the hope she feels knowing that there's room for improvement in herself and her life. That the knowledge of eternal progression and moving forward made her feel more hopeful for the future than the times when she thinks she's got a handle on things. Because I know that feeling too, what it is like not to progress, not to move forward, to be standing still with no prospect for the future or any growth to go through. The desire for life ends at that point, because all life is about learning and growing and constantly sharing that with others and growing and learning from them.
Brinlee spoke of how frustrated and discouraged beginning musicians can get when they first start out on an instrument and they can't make the beautiful music they hear other, more experienced musicians play. She said that they learn early on that there is no such thing as a "perfect" performance and how there is always room for improvement and how they keep practicing all of their lives and still never reach perfection, that there's always something new to learn and evolve.
I didn't see how perfectly these messages fit for me until reviewing my notes this past week, which makes me grateful that I take notes during sacrament meeting. So, even with these clear impressions from Heavenly Father, I went to my aunt and uncle's house that evening, for the gift exchange/Christmas party, still with the idea that I'd be moving in March. Thankfully, my cousins and aunt, people who love me, were able to convince me to reconsider these moving plans. It's not that big of a deal and it's not that big of a burden to take on, honestly. The bigger burden would be trying to find a better deal than what I have right now and then still needing to find new roommates in a new place because this is frigging Rexburg and people are moving in and moving out constantly.
For now, my plan is to stay and become the main on the apartment account, to take Heavenly Father's challenge less as a trial and more as an endorsement...that He believes I can do it. Starting this January, I will be looking for new roommate(s) and knowing that my family support me and the Lord supports me, I'm excited and looking forward to these new experiences and opportunities to grow.
Thursday, December 14, 2017
This call may be monitored...
So, you may have seen the pictures on Facebook from when I hurt my hand. I won't repost them here but I'll just tell you how it happened. When I moved into the new apartment, I got into the habit of first thing in the morning, reading my scriptures. I'm often too tired after I get home from work and if I get up in the morning and get into something else, it's hard to draw myself away from it to get to scriptures before I have to go to work. So first thing is what works for me.
Well, for some reason, on Sunday the 3rd of December, I got into my new favorite show, Grimm, first thing instead, with vague, mental promises to read my scriptures before I had to leave for church. You know how that goes, right? Especially when competing with a television show for relevance. So, I was listening to Grimm on my tablet and making myself a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. My roommate's can opener would not move forward with the turning of the lever BUT it would push the blade through the can when the handles were squeezed together. Like, you know how a can opener "locks" and pops the blade through the top of the can? Yeah, I just made it do that a bunch of times, putting the holes as close together as I could.
Sometimes, it wasn't close enough, so, there would still be small pieces of the lid keeping it closed. Some of them were easy to snap when I pried at it with a fork but others were keeping it closed. I thought if I pulled at the lid with my hand... Oh. Yeah. You can see where this is going and how foolish it was.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father decided not to punish me too harshly for my stupidity, as I didn't hit the nerve, the muscle, nor the vein. It was only skin deep but still deep enough that a simple bandaid would not be enough and I needed 3 stitches. There was a disconnect when it first happened that I didn't realize how bad it was or what had even happened. Because it didn't start to bleed until I was running around looking for a napkin and it didn't actually start to hurt until we were in the ER.
My roommate, Angela, jumped into action, grabbing the first aid kit. She poured rubbing alcohol onto it and dressed it for me and then drove me to the ER. Jessica, my other roommate, helped keep me steady, emotionally, as I got queasy and lightheaded, by talking to me and asking me questions during the car ride, then telling me dad jokes while we waited for the doctor. And Angela showed us dry bar stand up comedy videos on her phone while the doctor stitched me up. At the absolute least, I know my roommates can be fun and entertaining. At the most, I know they can be depended on in a crisis. ❥ For Christmas, I bought myself and my roommate can openers, lol.
The next day, work put me on a new survey because they were still testing it out and the client would be monitoring it with them to see how it sounded. It was an annoying survey with a flaw in the beginning that kicked half the people out of it. But I have been told that I am one of their top people because I sound really professional on the phone. So, they like to put me on the client monitored surveys because of how good I am, not just to torture me, which was my first impression. Which is nice to know even though I prefer the Thrivent project and don't like to dial anything else(other surveys aren't bad, I just really like that project above everything else, lol). I suppose "because I'm good at it" is a good reason to get tormented by a survey.
When the Bishop asked me during tithing settlement if I've seen any blessings in my life from paying tithing, to tell the truth, I hadn't thought about it like that at all. Ever since I returned to church, paying tithing has never been a question to me. I guess because it's the easy thing to do. Keeping up with the spiritual maintenance stuff, like service, scripture reading, and daily prayer, take more effort, more commitment and thought. I know, in my heart, no matter the ups and downs of my commitment level, that I owe Him everything. That every blessing and physical comfort are gifts from Him. That here on earth, I am merely a steward of everything I own and that they truly belong to Him. So, even when I grow lazy on the other stuff, paying tithing never needs the extra effort or thought because all of it is His to begin with. Even if I need money and tithing feels like it hurts, I know He will look after my needs. If I do what He asks of me, I don't need to worry about anything else.
But truthfully, I have felt the blessings of paying tithing. We get monitored once a day at the call center and I usually get 95s and 100s on my daily scores. Right after Thanksgiving, the supervisor in charge of the monitoring department, monitored me on a survey and gave me an 85, the lowest you can get before you start losing points(lose enough points in a short amount of time and you could get fired). After all of the high scores I'd been getting, that made me mad, so, I made some drastic changes to my method of doing surveys, based upon his criticisms. They don't like you to say "um" or "oh" or anything like that, so, to be a brat, I started basically envisioning myself as a robot while on the phone. Anytime I got the urge to say "uh" or "mhm" I stone-faced it and pretended I was an emotionless android, dishing out a scripted pat response in an even-tone instead, lol.
Ever since November 28th, I've worked 12 days and gotten 11 100s on my daily scores, with one day being a 95. I'm not trying to brag but more shocked that my passive aggressiveness actually worked. There have been times when I still make mistakes but since they only monitor you once a day, for some reason, they've been missing those surveys and listening to the good ones I put out each day. Considering how low my score was merely 3 weeks ago, I find it astonishing and definitely divinely inspired to have been blessed so much in such a short amount of time. I'm not saying passive aggressiveness works - no, you shouldn't do that, don't be like me - but that keeping the Lord in mind and paying tithing gives you blessings.
Tuesday, the 5th, we had a pre-shift briefing and my manager gave out the awards for the month of November, handing me one for having the most hours worked for the month. I got a little paper award and a gift card as a reward! THEN, as I start my shift, I am corralled with 4 other people into the training room, where we are informed that we were chosen, as some of the center's top producers, to be on a new, special survey that our center has gotten the privilege to dial on. It was a good survey and very fun to do and I am so thankful that I got to be a part of that.
On Sunday it was announced that on Tuesday, the ward mission leaders would be going out to find people in our ward that we haven't been able to find, to offer them fellowship during this holiday season. It was opened up to the entire ward to participate and come help out. I wrote it down in my notebook because it sounded like something I was interested in but by Tuesday, I was debating going.
However, I felt like it was an answer to my prayers, debating whether I should go or not, when I had such a wonderful day at work with all of those blessings(awards and new special project, etc.) and I felt like Heavenly Father was somehow making the decision easier for me to make. That giving me so much would encourage me to want to give back to others, which is what I actually felt. So, once I was done with work, I went over to the church to make myself available. I had thought, since it was announced in sacrament meeting that it would have an FHE level turnout. Other than the 3 people with the ward mission callings and Brother Bahr, the 2nd counselor of the bishopric, I was the only other person to show up. That was also where I learned that Angela, my roommate, has a calling with the ward mission leader(I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I know she was supposed to be there).
I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. Angela and I paired up and went to 3 different houses to visit with some sisters and gave them the daily spiritual thought offered by the church's Light the World initiative. Angela is a wonderful partner. She is so loving and personable. The way that she connects and genuinely cares about others, it inspires me to feel and show that love as well. It's one of the things I really admire about her and I hope that I get more opportunities to work with her and learn from her. Before I moved to Rexburg, President Cooper told me to attach myself to people who are busy running around and doing the Lord's work and I definitely think she fits that description.
We went out again this past Tuesday and although Brother Bahr did not join us, we had 3 extra people show up to help! I was paired up with Angela again but it really warmed my heart to see our ward members get involved and extending this hand of love. Afterwards, we all went out for some discounted frozen yogurt at Kiwi Loco.
Now that I've started, I don't want to stop. I am hoping that if I continue to make my heart willing that the Lord will continue to present me with these opportunities to serve. It was one of those things that was hard for me to do back in Pennsylvania because of how much I depended on others. That is still somewhat true here but I feel like there are more opportunities and it's easier to reach out.
I have a strong testimony of tithing and the blessings we receive if we give back to the Lord. I have experienced first hand the Lord blessing my employment and making me more financially able to give to others. I also have a testimony of service, that if we have a willing heart, we will be presented with opportunities and those who need our help. And I know that we are doing the Lord's work when we reach out to others with love and charity in our hearts. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Well, for some reason, on Sunday the 3rd of December, I got into my new favorite show, Grimm, first thing instead, with vague, mental promises to read my scriptures before I had to leave for church. You know how that goes, right? Especially when competing with a television show for relevance. So, I was listening to Grimm on my tablet and making myself a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. My roommate's can opener would not move forward with the turning of the lever BUT it would push the blade through the can when the handles were squeezed together. Like, you know how a can opener "locks" and pops the blade through the top of the can? Yeah, I just made it do that a bunch of times, putting the holes as close together as I could.
Sometimes, it wasn't close enough, so, there would still be small pieces of the lid keeping it closed. Some of them were easy to snap when I pried at it with a fork but others were keeping it closed. I thought if I pulled at the lid with my hand... Oh. Yeah. You can see where this is going and how foolish it was.
Thankfully, Heavenly Father decided not to punish me too harshly for my stupidity, as I didn't hit the nerve, the muscle, nor the vein. It was only skin deep but still deep enough that a simple bandaid would not be enough and I needed 3 stitches. There was a disconnect when it first happened that I didn't realize how bad it was or what had even happened. Because it didn't start to bleed until I was running around looking for a napkin and it didn't actually start to hurt until we were in the ER.
My roommate, Angela, jumped into action, grabbing the first aid kit. She poured rubbing alcohol onto it and dressed it for me and then drove me to the ER. Jessica, my other roommate, helped keep me steady, emotionally, as I got queasy and lightheaded, by talking to me and asking me questions during the car ride, then telling me dad jokes while we waited for the doctor. And Angela showed us dry bar stand up comedy videos on her phone while the doctor stitched me up. At the absolute least, I know my roommates can be fun and entertaining. At the most, I know they can be depended on in a crisis. ❥ For Christmas, I bought myself and my roommate can openers, lol.
The next day, work put me on a new survey because they were still testing it out and the client would be monitoring it with them to see how it sounded. It was an annoying survey with a flaw in the beginning that kicked half the people out of it. But I have been told that I am one of their top people because I sound really professional on the phone. So, they like to put me on the client monitored surveys because of how good I am, not just to torture me, which was my first impression. Which is nice to know even though I prefer the Thrivent project and don't like to dial anything else(other surveys aren't bad, I just really like that project above everything else, lol). I suppose "because I'm good at it" is a good reason to get tormented by a survey.
When the Bishop asked me during tithing settlement if I've seen any blessings in my life from paying tithing, to tell the truth, I hadn't thought about it like that at all. Ever since I returned to church, paying tithing has never been a question to me. I guess because it's the easy thing to do. Keeping up with the spiritual maintenance stuff, like service, scripture reading, and daily prayer, take more effort, more commitment and thought. I know, in my heart, no matter the ups and downs of my commitment level, that I owe Him everything. That every blessing and physical comfort are gifts from Him. That here on earth, I am merely a steward of everything I own and that they truly belong to Him. So, even when I grow lazy on the other stuff, paying tithing never needs the extra effort or thought because all of it is His to begin with. Even if I need money and tithing feels like it hurts, I know He will look after my needs. If I do what He asks of me, I don't need to worry about anything else.
But truthfully, I have felt the blessings of paying tithing. We get monitored once a day at the call center and I usually get 95s and 100s on my daily scores. Right after Thanksgiving, the supervisor in charge of the monitoring department, monitored me on a survey and gave me an 85, the lowest you can get before you start losing points(lose enough points in a short amount of time and you could get fired). After all of the high scores I'd been getting, that made me mad, so, I made some drastic changes to my method of doing surveys, based upon his criticisms. They don't like you to say "um" or "oh" or anything like that, so, to be a brat, I started basically envisioning myself as a robot while on the phone. Anytime I got the urge to say "uh" or "mhm" I stone-faced it and pretended I was an emotionless android, dishing out a scripted pat response in an even-tone instead, lol.
Ever since November 28th, I've worked 12 days and gotten 11 100s on my daily scores, with one day being a 95. I'm not trying to brag but more shocked that my passive aggressiveness actually worked. There have been times when I still make mistakes but since they only monitor you once a day, for some reason, they've been missing those surveys and listening to the good ones I put out each day. Considering how low my score was merely 3 weeks ago, I find it astonishing and definitely divinely inspired to have been blessed so much in such a short amount of time. I'm not saying passive aggressiveness works - no, you shouldn't do that, don't be like me - but that keeping the Lord in mind and paying tithing gives you blessings.
Tuesday, the 5th, we had a pre-shift briefing and my manager gave out the awards for the month of November, handing me one for having the most hours worked for the month. I got a little paper award and a gift card as a reward! THEN, as I start my shift, I am corralled with 4 other people into the training room, where we are informed that we were chosen, as some of the center's top producers, to be on a new, special survey that our center has gotten the privilege to dial on. It was a good survey and very fun to do and I am so thankful that I got to be a part of that.
On Sunday it was announced that on Tuesday, the ward mission leaders would be going out to find people in our ward that we haven't been able to find, to offer them fellowship during this holiday season. It was opened up to the entire ward to participate and come help out. I wrote it down in my notebook because it sounded like something I was interested in but by Tuesday, I was debating going.
However, I felt like it was an answer to my prayers, debating whether I should go or not, when I had such a wonderful day at work with all of those blessings(awards and new special project, etc.) and I felt like Heavenly Father was somehow making the decision easier for me to make. That giving me so much would encourage me to want to give back to others, which is what I actually felt. So, once I was done with work, I went over to the church to make myself available. I had thought, since it was announced in sacrament meeting that it would have an FHE level turnout. Other than the 3 people with the ward mission callings and Brother Bahr, the 2nd counselor of the bishopric, I was the only other person to show up. That was also where I learned that Angela, my roommate, has a calling with the ward mission leader(I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I know she was supposed to be there).
I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. Angela and I paired up and went to 3 different houses to visit with some sisters and gave them the daily spiritual thought offered by the church's Light the World initiative. Angela is a wonderful partner. She is so loving and personable. The way that she connects and genuinely cares about others, it inspires me to feel and show that love as well. It's one of the things I really admire about her and I hope that I get more opportunities to work with her and learn from her. Before I moved to Rexburg, President Cooper told me to attach myself to people who are busy running around and doing the Lord's work and I definitely think she fits that description.
We went out again this past Tuesday and although Brother Bahr did not join us, we had 3 extra people show up to help! I was paired up with Angela again but it really warmed my heart to see our ward members get involved and extending this hand of love. Afterwards, we all went out for some discounted frozen yogurt at Kiwi Loco.
Now that I've started, I don't want to stop. I am hoping that if I continue to make my heart willing that the Lord will continue to present me with these opportunities to serve. It was one of those things that was hard for me to do back in Pennsylvania because of how much I depended on others. That is still somewhat true here but I feel like there are more opportunities and it's easier to reach out.
I have a strong testimony of tithing and the blessings we receive if we give back to the Lord. I have experienced first hand the Lord blessing my employment and making me more financially able to give to others. I also have a testimony of service, that if we have a willing heart, we will be presented with opportunities and those who need our help. And I know that we are doing the Lord's work when we reach out to others with love and charity in our hearts. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
The Contract
When I started this blog, I wasn't really sure what I wanted it to be. A chronicling of my life? A series of updates about art projects and writing projects? Eventually, its purpose became clear to me as more and more I began to use the church related tags. This blog is my testimony, a chronicling of my spiritual journey and all of the ways I can see God in my life. Because even as it happens to me, even as I describe these events to you, I am shocked and humbled by His attention. Sometimes, with how direct His influence has been, I feel like I'm writing a fantasy story with me as the main character, yet these things are true and I want you to be able to see what I see. To see and feel clearly what He has done. I finally have access to a computer after two weeks, so, we're a little behind. Because, of course, those two weeks were chosen for some of the most influential personal revelations I've had since I moved to Rexburg. To keep you from having to read novels, I'll do these in parts to help you catch up.
One of the biggest things that helps to build and strengthen my testimony is having that stark contrast, clear in my mind, how I feel disconnected and unrooted from my life when I am not diligently doing what I should and then when I start up again, all of a sudden, He starts talking to me and touching my life in direct ways. I haven't fallen, but in the past 5 months, I've probably said a total of 10 private prayers and opened my scriptures about 3 times. At first, it was because I was working so much but then I just kept making excuses and got lazy about it.
I thought it'd be ok. I'm here in Rexburg, I was living with family who have the Spirit strong in their home and I was able to go to church more regularly. School would be starting soon and I was sure that things would be better, that as soon as classes started, my diligence and willpower would magically return. Until then, it wasn't like I was in any real danger. I could afford to relax for a couple more months and then throw myself into spiritual living when it was time to get to work. Sounds like the recipe for flirting with disaster.
I was able to secure for myself an apartment contract for BYU approved housing back in October. Thinking it over, I realized that I really didn't want to share a room with a young 20-something, and since I am 30 and have the option to live in non-approved housing, I decided to search for something else. I found the perfect place, with affordable rent and a good location and went ahead and expressed my interest. Belatedly, I realized that I was still responsible for the contract I signed for the other place. So, I spent a lot of October and November trying to sell the contract for the winter semester and stressing about not getting it off my hands by January.
As the end of November came closer, I had to schedule to meet up with the gals for the new apartment I wanted, in order to sign a lease with them. They scheduled it for Monday, the 27th, at 4, which overlapped with my shift at work. When you call off or can't come in for a shift at my work, they force you to make up those hours on a different day. I have Fridays and most Sundays off, but I wanted to leave Friday open, just in case things didn't work out for moving in on Wednesday, that I'd still have a day where we could spend all day moving things if needed. So, I switched Mondays shift with Sunday, the 26th. I didn't want to but at this point, with the small distance that had grown between me and Heavenly Father, I didn't really trust that 'things would work out as they needed to' so I felt like I didn't have many options. It ended up being one of my few prayers during this time where I asked for His understanding. I went home that Saturday after work and got a text from work saying that only people trained on NRC needed to come in on Sunday. ...well, I'm not trained on NRC yet. Since I specifically switched things around, I called just to make sure and my supervisor confirmed it: I had BOTH Sunday and Monday off!
This was the first time in a while that I'd had a prayer answered like this, so, you can bet He had my attention. I felt that if I was given this Sunday, then there must be some message I was supposed to hear and listen to. With that mindset, I went to church, listening to all of the talks and lessons with my heart open. Nothing really stood out to me and I never had that familiar feeling of people's words being used to talk specifically to me. After that, I forgot about it and went to dinner with my family to the house of some old missionary friends we knew from back east.
It was still fairly early in the evening when we got home so I decided to call home and talk to my siblings. I was on my laptop, writing a silly story with a friend of mine and set it aside, closing it, while I talked to my brother Ben for an hour. After reporting news to my aunt Wendy, I returned to my room and picked up my laptop, opening it. The screen remained black. All the lights were on but the screen was non-responsive. I tried everything to wake it back up again, pushing buttons, unplugging it and moving to different rooms. Nothing. It remained black with the power light on. With no previous sign of being in any trouble, my 3 year old lappy was officially dead.
With only a month left before school starts, I started to freak out. I cried and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to not take my computer, something I'd desperately need for school. Even amidst my frustration, I felt a familiar feelings, something I felt when on my knees the September before last. The knowledge that I cannot simply beg for what I want and give Him nothing in return. Two realizations hit me then: the first, Heavenly Father never does anything, gives us any hardship or tragedy just to be mean or cruel. He loves me and He wants what's best for me, to teach me and to help me grow. I've known from how He treats me, personally, that He wants a personal relationship with me and even if I feel like I'm not in danger, He'll never let me lose sight of Him again. Other people say that Heavenly Father never forces Himself into our lives but that has not been my personal experience. He's constantly shoving me in the back of the shoulder if I turn my back on Him for even a second like, "Hey. Whatcha doin'? Are you listening?"
The second thing I realized was that the very next day was cyber Monday. You know, the day of online and computer sales after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. So, even as this inexplicable trial was handed to me, Heavenly Father also provided me with a way to easily and affordably find a solution. I would have preferred that my computer had not died but if it had to happen, I am incredibly grateful for the timing. My cousin, Mead, came over and helped me shop for a new laptop, helping me to get something that would be sufficient for my needs. I ended up replacing the old laptop under $200. It was supposed to arrive on the 12th of December but came a little earlier, which I am also grateful for.
I don't know why He broke my computer. It had been fine with no signs of distress or like it was in trouble, so, there is no doubt in my mind that what happened to it was divine intervention. It could have been as simple as a wake up call that the road of ambivalence and laziness I was on needed to be stopped now, before I start school. Whatever the reason, I am thankful that it happened because it shook me up enough to realize the parts of my life that I've been neglecting. Sometimes, you think you're awake and only realize how deeply you were dreaming once you finally do wake up.
As you may have heard, I finally got into my own apartment. I remember writing and planning for this when we first moved here and being anxious about it and putting a deadline on it of a year. Now, 5 months later, sitting in my own room in the new place, I wonder at the anxiety I felt. All the times the Adversary whispered in my ear all the things I cannot do, making me feel so uncertain about the future. To be honest, I was only a little sad to leave my aunt and uncle's house. I miss their support and love being so close at hand but I do not miss the 45 minute walk to work. Now, I only walk 20 minutes to work. I do love walking and appreciated the exercise but it was basically almost 2 hours out of every day where I was just walking. It took extra energy out of my days just to plan the day around my long walks. So, imagine the relief and the weight off my shoulders now, the freedom and extra time to do what I want. A last minute trip to Broulim's now is less a consideration of how late do I want to get home and more accessible now.
My new roommates are the best I could have asked for. Angela is very confident, down-to-earth, and service-oriented. Jessica is very laid-back, sweet, and friendly. I like to chill some evenings after work and talk to her. I moved in on the last Wednesday of November and immediately started saying my daily prayers and reading my scriptures. Because of my computer breaking, I was anxious about the contract for the other place I still needed to get rid of. I had been posting ads for it on different Facebook groups and before the holiday, one gal had expressed interest in it. I decided not to bug people about it until after Thanksgiving but when my computer died that weekend, I decided I didn't want to follow-up until I could do something about it. Like, if it turned out she wasn't going to take it after all, I wanted to be able to post the ads on Facebook again. Since the laptop wasn't going to come until the 12th and my mini ipad doesn't like to do things, I also ordered a Fire 7 which is Amazon's tablet.
One of the first revelatory experiences I had as a result of opening those communication lines with Heavenly Father again was when my new tablet arrived. I specifically ordered it because I knew it would get here sooner than the computer and I could specifically post to the FB groups and keep up with interest in someone buying the winter contract. My aunt Wendy informed me that the tablet had arrived on Friday, so, I made the long trek up the hill to their place to retrieve it. As I was visiting with them, the new tablet safely tucked in my backpack, I got a text message from the manager of the BYU approved housing I had the contract for, telling me that the gal who'd originally expressed interest had turned in her contract. I was free of this burden...right exactly when I needed to be.
You cannot know the stress I felt while trying to get someone to take over that contract before January, especially when it was such a good deal but everyone kept falling through. To explain it, it's a little complicated but never before have I had a prayer answered so...neatly. Literally, the tablet was only ordered so I could repost the ads and the moment I have my hands on it, my phone chimes with that news. After I had reopened the communication lines and began putting in the maintenance work to keep myself open to Heavenly Father's Spirit. How could these things not be directly related and consequences of each other? I knew what I was supposed to be doing and as soon as I did, I am told in the most direct way possible that what I am doing is right.
I testify to you that I know this church is true and that Heavenly Father is heavily involved in our lives. I know He loves and knows each and every one of us individually and that He only ever wants what's best for us. I know that the scriptures are true and that reading them will bring us closer to Him and bring joy and meaning to our lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
One of the biggest things that helps to build and strengthen my testimony is having that stark contrast, clear in my mind, how I feel disconnected and unrooted from my life when I am not diligently doing what I should and then when I start up again, all of a sudden, He starts talking to me and touching my life in direct ways. I haven't fallen, but in the past 5 months, I've probably said a total of 10 private prayers and opened my scriptures about 3 times. At first, it was because I was working so much but then I just kept making excuses and got lazy about it.
I thought it'd be ok. I'm here in Rexburg, I was living with family who have the Spirit strong in their home and I was able to go to church more regularly. School would be starting soon and I was sure that things would be better, that as soon as classes started, my diligence and willpower would magically return. Until then, it wasn't like I was in any real danger. I could afford to relax for a couple more months and then throw myself into spiritual living when it was time to get to work. Sounds like the recipe for flirting with disaster.
I was able to secure for myself an apartment contract for BYU approved housing back in October. Thinking it over, I realized that I really didn't want to share a room with a young 20-something, and since I am 30 and have the option to live in non-approved housing, I decided to search for something else. I found the perfect place, with affordable rent and a good location and went ahead and expressed my interest. Belatedly, I realized that I was still responsible for the contract I signed for the other place. So, I spent a lot of October and November trying to sell the contract for the winter semester and stressing about not getting it off my hands by January.
As the end of November came closer, I had to schedule to meet up with the gals for the new apartment I wanted, in order to sign a lease with them. They scheduled it for Monday, the 27th, at 4, which overlapped with my shift at work. When you call off or can't come in for a shift at my work, they force you to make up those hours on a different day. I have Fridays and most Sundays off, but I wanted to leave Friday open, just in case things didn't work out for moving in on Wednesday, that I'd still have a day where we could spend all day moving things if needed. So, I switched Mondays shift with Sunday, the 26th. I didn't want to but at this point, with the small distance that had grown between me and Heavenly Father, I didn't really trust that 'things would work out as they needed to' so I felt like I didn't have many options. It ended up being one of my few prayers during this time where I asked for His understanding. I went home that Saturday after work and got a text from work saying that only people trained on NRC needed to come in on Sunday. ...well, I'm not trained on NRC yet. Since I specifically switched things around, I called just to make sure and my supervisor confirmed it: I had BOTH Sunday and Monday off!
This was the first time in a while that I'd had a prayer answered like this, so, you can bet He had my attention. I felt that if I was given this Sunday, then there must be some message I was supposed to hear and listen to. With that mindset, I went to church, listening to all of the talks and lessons with my heart open. Nothing really stood out to me and I never had that familiar feeling of people's words being used to talk specifically to me. After that, I forgot about it and went to dinner with my family to the house of some old missionary friends we knew from back east.
It was still fairly early in the evening when we got home so I decided to call home and talk to my siblings. I was on my laptop, writing a silly story with a friend of mine and set it aside, closing it, while I talked to my brother Ben for an hour. After reporting news to my aunt Wendy, I returned to my room and picked up my laptop, opening it. The screen remained black. All the lights were on but the screen was non-responsive. I tried everything to wake it back up again, pushing buttons, unplugging it and moving to different rooms. Nothing. It remained black with the power light on. With no previous sign of being in any trouble, my 3 year old lappy was officially dead.
With only a month left before school starts, I started to freak out. I cried and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to not take my computer, something I'd desperately need for school. Even amidst my frustration, I felt a familiar feelings, something I felt when on my knees the September before last. The knowledge that I cannot simply beg for what I want and give Him nothing in return. Two realizations hit me then: the first, Heavenly Father never does anything, gives us any hardship or tragedy just to be mean or cruel. He loves me and He wants what's best for me, to teach me and to help me grow. I've known from how He treats me, personally, that He wants a personal relationship with me and even if I feel like I'm not in danger, He'll never let me lose sight of Him again. Other people say that Heavenly Father never forces Himself into our lives but that has not been my personal experience. He's constantly shoving me in the back of the shoulder if I turn my back on Him for even a second like, "Hey. Whatcha doin'? Are you listening?"
The second thing I realized was that the very next day was cyber Monday. You know, the day of online and computer sales after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. So, even as this inexplicable trial was handed to me, Heavenly Father also provided me with a way to easily and affordably find a solution. I would have preferred that my computer had not died but if it had to happen, I am incredibly grateful for the timing. My cousin, Mead, came over and helped me shop for a new laptop, helping me to get something that would be sufficient for my needs. I ended up replacing the old laptop under $200. It was supposed to arrive on the 12th of December but came a little earlier, which I am also grateful for.
I don't know why He broke my computer. It had been fine with no signs of distress or like it was in trouble, so, there is no doubt in my mind that what happened to it was divine intervention. It could have been as simple as a wake up call that the road of ambivalence and laziness I was on needed to be stopped now, before I start school. Whatever the reason, I am thankful that it happened because it shook me up enough to realize the parts of my life that I've been neglecting. Sometimes, you think you're awake and only realize how deeply you were dreaming once you finally do wake up.
As you may have heard, I finally got into my own apartment. I remember writing and planning for this when we first moved here and being anxious about it and putting a deadline on it of a year. Now, 5 months later, sitting in my own room in the new place, I wonder at the anxiety I felt. All the times the Adversary whispered in my ear all the things I cannot do, making me feel so uncertain about the future. To be honest, I was only a little sad to leave my aunt and uncle's house. I miss their support and love being so close at hand but I do not miss the 45 minute walk to work. Now, I only walk 20 minutes to work. I do love walking and appreciated the exercise but it was basically almost 2 hours out of every day where I was just walking. It took extra energy out of my days just to plan the day around my long walks. So, imagine the relief and the weight off my shoulders now, the freedom and extra time to do what I want. A last minute trip to Broulim's now is less a consideration of how late do I want to get home and more accessible now.
My new roommates are the best I could have asked for. Angela is very confident, down-to-earth, and service-oriented. Jessica is very laid-back, sweet, and friendly. I like to chill some evenings after work and talk to her. I moved in on the last Wednesday of November and immediately started saying my daily prayers and reading my scriptures. Because of my computer breaking, I was anxious about the contract for the other place I still needed to get rid of. I had been posting ads for it on different Facebook groups and before the holiday, one gal had expressed interest in it. I decided not to bug people about it until after Thanksgiving but when my computer died that weekend, I decided I didn't want to follow-up until I could do something about it. Like, if it turned out she wasn't going to take it after all, I wanted to be able to post the ads on Facebook again. Since the laptop wasn't going to come until the 12th and my mini ipad doesn't like to do things, I also ordered a Fire 7 which is Amazon's tablet.
One of the first revelatory experiences I had as a result of opening those communication lines with Heavenly Father again was when my new tablet arrived. I specifically ordered it because I knew it would get here sooner than the computer and I could specifically post to the FB groups and keep up with interest in someone buying the winter contract. My aunt Wendy informed me that the tablet had arrived on Friday, so, I made the long trek up the hill to their place to retrieve it. As I was visiting with them, the new tablet safely tucked in my backpack, I got a text message from the manager of the BYU approved housing I had the contract for, telling me that the gal who'd originally expressed interest had turned in her contract. I was free of this burden...right exactly when I needed to be.
You cannot know the stress I felt while trying to get someone to take over that contract before January, especially when it was such a good deal but everyone kept falling through. To explain it, it's a little complicated but never before have I had a prayer answered so...neatly. Literally, the tablet was only ordered so I could repost the ads and the moment I have my hands on it, my phone chimes with that news. After I had reopened the communication lines and began putting in the maintenance work to keep myself open to Heavenly Father's Spirit. How could these things not be directly related and consequences of each other? I knew what I was supposed to be doing and as soon as I did, I am told in the most direct way possible that what I am doing is right.
I testify to you that I know this church is true and that Heavenly Father is heavily involved in our lives. I know He loves and knows each and every one of us individually and that He only ever wants what's best for us. I know that the scriptures are true and that reading them will bring us closer to Him and bring joy and meaning to our lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Miss Me?
Listening to: "Stressed Out" Twenty One Pilots
Watching: Judge Judy owning peeps in small claims court
Where has Manders been?
The short answer: working.
It
turned out, not all was fields of milk and honey once I came to Rexburg
and all of the jobs I was promised would be available during the 7 week break were nowhere to be found. At least, for me.
At
first, I tried to be a stickler for not working on the Sabbath but
every interview I went to, that was one of the first things they asked
and my answer disqualified me. Who knew, living in a community of
Mormons would have a drawback? But the demand for Sunday workers is very
high, especially for national franchises that simply cannot close on
Sundays.
Then
I started to waver on how much desperation to exude during each
interview. Too much? Too little? I don't want to say anything bad about Broulim's
because like a battered girlfriend, I'm still hoping they call me back.
But seriously. 3 interviews for 2 different departments and look! Still
no grocery store job for Manders! You're a tease, Broulim's!
I finally got a job at SSI, a call center, and I'm not sure if I told you about it already(that's
okay, either way, this is a reintroduction of sorts) at the end of
July. They still demanded weekend shifts but at least they compromised
with taking my Saturdays and just one of my Sundays each month.
Still,
after that, I felt a lot of pressure to get a second job. I've never
worked 2 jobs before and since the whole point of it was to make as much
money as possible(~35
hours/week with $900/month from SSI was not enough) when I got my
surprise call back from the Super 8 hotel, I took it and kept my 30+
hours at SSI. Lucky for me, the schedule for Super 8 fit right in, 9-2
every day, with days off if they feel like you deserve it.
They
were desperate to hire me the week before the eclipse, so, I started
not having to work on Sundays, even though everybody else had to. Now, a
little over a month later, and after losing 6 employees, I not only was
working every Sunday but going on almost 3 weeks without a day off. I
won't talk bad about the people there. Suffice it to say, that it's the
place desperate people, who don't get call backs from Broulim's, end up working. Vague promises were made of a seasonal "slow down" period and a day off for "someone" this past Wednesday(who deserves it? Me? Or the other 2 girls who haven't had a day off in forever?).
But once I got my track assignment(Winter-Spring),
I was no longer fooling around. Learning of the FASFA deadline on the
first, less than a week before it was due, I needed that day off sooner
rather than later. I asked to be allowed to go take care of my business a
day earlier than the mythical Wednesday. Yet,
even with 3 new hires within the past 3 weeks, and all the girls who
have selective work days for school, present, we were still so
desperate, I needed
to be there, for some reason. They wanted to make compromises I didn't
know I could make at this point. How much time did I need to get my
financial aid? Was 2 hours in the middle of the afternoon(the
bone they threw me) going to cut it? What about other deadlines I had
to meet? Would I have to bargain and beg for every day that I needed to rush to get important things done for?
I was at a crossroads and I had to make a choice. As I walked away from the Super 8, I thought of every thing
that it had forced me to set aside in favor of the pursuit of money. I
am grateful for the time I got to work at Super 8 and add so quickly to
my savings. But I am also grateful I no longer have to miss sacrament
meeting at MY church building, nor do I have to work 65 hours/week
anymore.
My
weight loss has been coming along alright. I have a hard time managing
funds or meals during the day because of my long absences outside of the
house. A protein bar or a fruit drink don't actually give you a whole
lot of satisfaction and in my desperate hunger, I often spend money on different eateries close by. Some good for me(Subway, sort of), and others not(New Fongs, Chik-fil-A,
Taco Bell, grilled cheese sandwiches at Great Scotts). I'm not really
sure what to do about it and I'm a little frustrated. I tried making
sandwiches and bringing them with me but leaving so early in the
mornings and staying gone so long, "when" to eat it becomes a tricky
question. Eating it for lunch, ends up too early and as I walk home at
8:30 at night, I have stomach pains. Yet there has to be something in
the middle of the day, otherwise, I will eat the frigging sandwich, or
if there is none, then I'll buy a sandwich(both trying to save money and not eat bad sandwiches).
Even still, I've lost almost 40lbs. Since we moved here and all from walking 4+ miles each day, give or take, and reducing my
weekly calorie intake. As soon as I finish getting things for school
figured out, I hope to use the campus facilities to exercise, like
either the pool or find out if I can participate in a net sport before
my semester starts, or even use the treadmill in the gym. I love
walking, it's my favorite thing to do and even with my heavy bookbag
some days, it is a joy to me to put one foot in front of the other. I
love the freedom of it, the ease of it, the quiet solace of it. Even
with the colder weather, I enjoyed walking in my new winter coat today,
feeling like Iron Man as the cold nipped my cheeks and hands but the rest of me felt impervious to it.
Back to SSI, I love working at the call center. Some days it can be a little bit of a drag, the monotony
getting to me, but most of the time, it's just like working at Price
Chopper as a cashier. Sometimes people talk to you, sometimes people
don't. Sometimes people are rude and you wonder who taught them that it
is okay to talk to someone like that under ANY circumstance, let alone a
slightly inconvenient situation. And then there are the majority, the
ones you connect with. You'll never talk to them again, probably, but I
can't help whispering under my breath as the call ends, "Best friend!"
Not
all surveys are like that but my favorite is Thrivent. If they put me
on Thrivent every day I dial, I would sing to work and sing on the way
home. My favorite version of it is the one where people talk about all of the neat community projects and charities
they do. These people are just truly inspiring examples of Christian
brotherhood and Christ-like service, truly enjoying helping others and
spending time with their friends doing things for a good cause. It
reminds me of the LDS church in some ways and I like getting to see that
aspect of this survey project.
Finally,
what I'm focusing on for the next couple of weeks, is getting my school
stuff in order. I did visit with a course schedule advisor last Tuesday
when I walked out of Super 8 but she explained the courses I'd need to
take for my English Major with a focus on creative writing, gave me the
list of all possible courses I could take, and sent me home with a link
to the Grad Planner. And....I fiddled with it and quickly grew
frustrated by prerequisite courses. I didn't know how to funnel and
focus it to gear it towards what I want to do for a living: writing and
publishing novels, working for a publishing company.
So,
I made an appointment for today and came in and sat down and in an
hour, even with the Grad Planner occasionally misbehaving, was able to
finish my Grad Plan. So, I'm feeling good! One thing finished!
I
missed the deadline for the BYU Scholarship and even though I got the
Pell Grant with FASFA, I am not sure I want to take out a loan if I
don't have to. So, all day today and yesterday, I've been filling out
applications for non-BYU scholarships.
Tomorrow's
agenda: figure out housing. I would like to get cost and things figured
out so that I know how much money I will need. And more scholarships.
There are hundreds and thousands of them and just filling them out is no
guarantee, so, I'm going to try to get as many filled out as I can.
Then also, if I can, I want to figure out if I was supposed to receive a
student card. When I first got my track assignment, even though I tried to change my
address on my application, it was still listed as my old address on my
student profile, so, I'm wondering how much they sent to Pennsylvania.
No matter, I'll probably never see any of it.
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