Week Two!

Week Two of my preparations for moving out West! It feels like I’ve lived a lifetime just in this week because time drags so slowly; now that I have a goal and place I want to get to, it feels like it just can’t come fast enough, or things can’t happen quick enough. There have been a lot of low points this week, but I am so incredibly grateful for the people who love me and are close to me who have helped uplift me and keep my head in the game. You guys know who you are and what you have said and done to dispel those gloomy clouds and I cannot tell you how appreciative I am to have your influences in my life.

The first thing I worked on this week was my application for BYU-I. Last week, the site I ordered my transcripts from ended up not being the right place and didn’t send me anything. But this week, I found the correct site to order my transcripts from and put the order in Monday or Tuesday. It cost me almost all the money I had in the bank to do it, though, so, I ended up not having enough left over for either the physical or the permit test, so, I did not actually work on any of the driving stuff this week. However, my grandparents have urged me to get this stuff done and have even offered to help me pay for these things, so, this upcoming Thursday is the day I’m getting both the physical and test done. The plan this week is to take a lot of practice tests and study so that I don’t fail and waste that money.

I just want to take a moment to bear my testimony of both prayer and the law of tithing. I’ve been paying tithing on every piece of money that has come into my hands since September and have never wanted for anything. Sometimes it feels like there’s nothing in the bank, so, my choices are limited for a time but when it comes to actually doing things that need to get done, like this test I have to take, the Lord has provided for me, either through other people helping me or me getting paid for projects I’ve done. I am truly blessed by their love for me and by the love of my Heavenly Father. I’m trying to hold back and think things through in regards to when to spend and how much to use. And since I’m trying to take only the necessary things with me out West and have attempted to down-size how many boxes I’m packing, the urge to splurge on new purchases is gone as well. Right now, money is just being spent on the necessary things to move me forward towards the ultimate goal.

I have also had my Ecclesiastical endorsement from the Branch President and need to meet up with someone from the stake soon. This is what I mean about things dragging by; I feel an urgency to get everything done as soon as possible because there is still the chance that I can get in for the fall track but it feels like scheduling just isn’t lining up to make it happen? I don’t know, maybe this is a lesson in patience and trusting the Lord. Maybe when I finally get everything done, it turns out that option is still available and my worrying is all for nothing. I hope so. If not, then I can still get a job, work on getting my license, taking night classes; there are a ton of things I can still work on out there even if I end up taking the winter track. I am determined not to be idle.

The process of growth and change is ongoing and it will take vigilance and willingness from me to occur. I am in my current situation and stuck here because this is where my past desires have led me. I will not deny that this life is what I wanted and I am here because of choices I made to get here. I cannot continue to do things the old way. I have to learn new habits and strive for a better me, more capable and able to not only do for myself but also to contribute to what others need and the Lord’s kingdom. There have been days in the past where I become very conscious of how little I have done, how much time has been wasted just out of laziness and shiftlessness. Well. If I don’t like something, it is in my control to change it.

It's one of the things that I have been conscious of in regards to driving. Sister Cooper asked me recently why I haven’t ever learned to drive and in my explanation to her, it occurred to me that it is directly related to my fear of taking control of my life and gaining independence. Sure, everyone understands a little bit the anxiety felt when behind the wheel of this huge, hulking mass of metal barreling down the narrow paths through the countryside at alarming speeds. But my problem with it is directly about the “I am the one controlling this machine, I decide where it goes and what it does” and the power of that decision-making. I am chafed by the responsibility of it, that weight of authority, not only deciding where I’ll go but the related mistakes and accidents that might occur as a result. It is a fact of life that sometimes you mess up and make mistakes when you take risks. The whole pressure behind growth has to do with trying to avoid those while aiming for success. That’s where experience comes from. This is what I need, more than anything else, and once I think of it like that, it suddenly feels like the anxiety goes away. Like, “oh, I’ll just be able to go where I want to go. NBD.”

Another thing I worked on this week was a drawing for Sister Van Orden of the Smith home at the Priesthood Restoration Site. Like all sketches that I procrastinate on, it was incredibly easy once I sat down to do it. I’m going to be working on two more of these in the next couple of weeks, so, look forward to seeing more. This was made using a photo that my cousin, Mead’s, wife, Brianne, took of the Smith home during the winter. An absolutely gorgeous photo and I am very grateful to her for letting me use it to draw from.

This past Thursday was the Relief Society Birthday Dinner in Montrose and it was a wonderful program. One of my favorite parts was Sister Buffington singing a song, “My Sister’s Hands” which has a beautiful message about being sisters in Christ and able to help each other and depend on each other and the individuals that make up this network of love and who we are to each other. I got choked up but I tried not to cry because I was sitting right in front of her. I didn’t want to start crying because I thought it might make her cry and I didn’t want to ruin her singing, lol. My second favorite was Sister Cooper giving a talk about Relief Society and it was very informative but also very powerful. Just like the dinner in Susquehanna I went to, this dinner built my testimony about this wonderful program and how important women are to the organization of the church. There is such a balance of duties between the men and the women and I truly feel like this was set up by Heavenly Father, so that everyone could feel included and be able to provide service to His kingdom.

Sister Stohl also spoke about visiting teaching and although she said she was worried about people feeling chastised, I can see where someone might get that impression but it actually made me feel pumped about it. Because I too feel strongly about the visiting teaching program and how important it is. But it cannot work without people doing their part. Sometimes it is hard to remember all of our duties among the day to day, so, I don’t see it as chastisement to be reminded and told of helpful ways we can improve.

This weekend was also the Prince of Peace concert at the Restoration site and we got to hear the missionaries sing. They invited the local Methodist choir to sing a few hymns as well and although their music was different than what I am used to hearing, it was very good and the message was wonderful. The pastor spoke a little before he said the opening prayer and they were all just so incredibly grateful to participate with us in this celebratory concert about Jesus Christ and His resurrection. I felt the Spirit so strongly there and the sisters sang like they’ve been singing together for years, even though a lot of them have only just arrived a month or so ago.

And that’s what I was able to get done this past week. I hope to continue to make strides and move forward with my goals. Thank you to all of those who help me along the way. Each one is impressed upon my heart for their crucial contribution to helping me progress in bettering my life.

Busiest Week Ever

Since my decision this past weekend, I’ve decided that there’s no time like the present and have started right away to prepare for moving out West and going to school.

First thing is first, I started filling out my application for BYU Idaho. Talking to my younger brother who just went through this process, he said he filled out the application first and then started to figure out all of the other stuff, like paying tuition, majors, etc. AFTER he was accepted. It seemed as good a place to start as any and filling out forms is usually easy. By Thursday, I had finished the short essays portion, which is the last portion you can fill out before extra steps are taken.

I still need to get my Ecclesiastical Endorsement and my high school transcripts, which I ordered on Tuesday from the archives at my old high school, since, you know, it’s been 12 years since I graduated. Heh. The essays were a little hard because it is difficult to find situations in my life where I have taken any meaningful risks or been passionate about anything. I do not think the admissions people would be impressed with “My passion is mac and cheese” nor “One time I risked a lot by taking in a crazy cat and I didn’t even like cats back then” as answers. So, I couldn’t depend on my gut reactions and had to really dig deep for stuff that would be impressive to a school. I got through it, though, and now, it’s just waiting and pushing along these last couple of things.

Next, working on my health. I’ve been fluctuating at 280 lbs. for the past couple of years since my divorce. I don’t consider myself fat and I don’t feel fat. My body length mirror is a really good liar. It makes me look stunning and slender/nicely curvy in everything, only for someone to take a picture of me later that day and I’m like, “Oh. I look kind of like a jelly bean with limbs.” It’s come to my attention enough to make me feel like I want to change, not just for looks and fitting into the skinny jeans I bought back in 2013 but also for health reasons. I’m 29 and fine right now but if I wait a bit, the heart problems will come up, the knees will start to deteriorate, and the rest of the associated diseases will come crashing down on me as I start to enter the official middle aged bracket(30-49).

So, I’ve started eating smaller portions, cutting out sodas, and I’ve started walking every day. I’ve started small, walking about 30 minutes, down to the very end of the driveway and walking all the way back up to the porch 6 times in a row. I like the driveway as practice because on the last leg of a circuit, I’m walking up the hill of the driveway and it adds a little work to it. So far, after weighing myself on Tuesday where I was at 277 lbs, as of today, I’m at 273. Not bad! I hope to keep a steady pace of losing weight, not too dramatic. I haven’t changed much about my eating habits other than smaller portions, which are regular sized portions to everybody else(hey, you don’t get to be jelly bean shaped from holding back at meal times!). I think it is mostly the walking, which is where I really want to focus my efforts. I like the time outside and moving about and feeling like I can move, without losing a lung or needing to sit, you know?

Next was working on the driver’s license. The biggest hurdle to my independence and yes, I am determined to make an effort on this. I am not special. There’s not some weird mechanism inside me that will make driving specifically hard for me to do. I can learn to do it with just as much ease and confidence as everyone else. There’s no reason to wait until I’m out West. I can at the very least get my permit and practice while I’m here. …Even though every time I plan for that part, I keep wanting to ask if anybody wants to go to the Price Chopper parking lot at midnight and let me drive around with no other cars or people around. I get all the sensations of panic and anxiety when I actually think about driving on the curves and hills of the actual roads at 35-55 mph around here. Like the whole thing, limbs shaking, wanting to vomit, hair standing on end and nobody is even saying, “Hey, alright, let’s get you behind the wheel” yet! I’m just sitting here peeing my pants over the thought that I might eventually have to.

First, I just have to get the thing and then we’ll figure out the where and when of practicing. So, I looked online and figured out everything I needed to get before going and what time we had to be there on Thursday. Danny, my younger brother, takes me over there at 8:30 right when they were supposed to open. There’s already a line of people outside the door, standing in the frigid air, waiting for it to open. When it does, the percentage of us waiting for the permit stuff or ID preliminary stuff, are snootily told, “Go over on that side! PennDOT handles that! We open at 8:30! PennDOT doesn’t open until 9:30!” Like we were supposed to know that when the website lists just one opening time for the entire building.

I’m 4^th in line and as the time passes, the line gets bigger behind me. I’m sitting there and the time starts to get to me a little bit. So, I say a prayer in my head, asking Heavenly Father to help make things go quickly. Then I jokingly said, “Well, do what you can; I know, it’s the DMV! Hah! …I’m not saying you can’t do it—I’m just joking, Heavenly Father!”

Not long after that, some ladies come in and open up the desks on our side of the building. They opened 3 stations and I began to internally celebrate about how quick this was going to go with me being fourth in line. The guy ahead of me gets done in less than 3 minutes and it’s my turn! I go up to the desk and she asks me for birth certificate, SS card, and something with my current address on it. Boom! I got all of those! Then she asks me for the physical form and I ask her what that is, at first thinking she means ‘physical’ as in hardcopy. She turns to her little shelf and swipes out a piece of paper and slaps it on the desk for me. Then she tells me I have to get a physical and have the doctor fill out the form. And that was that. I left the line and stepped back outside at 9:35. When I realized, I glanced up to the heavens and shook my finger with a smirk saying, “Aha! Good one!”

The rest of Thursday was good, although hectic here and there as I tried to figure out why certain things weren’t working with my application. In the end it all got figured out. Then I helped TB with his Easter talk, helping him understand the Resurrection of Christ and what that means for us. It was a bit of a learning experience for me as well, because it’s something I haven’t focused much on since I’ve returned to church. We found the talk “The Resurrection of Jesus Christ” by Elder D. Todd Christofferson and I read it aloud from the beginning to see what TB thought of it. Elder Christofferson details the resurrection of Jesus Christ right after he died and who came upon him and the order of events. I was caught by surprise by a wave of sudden emotion as I got to the quoted part by Talmage, where Mary Magdalene finally realizes it is Jesus while talking to him outside of the tomb. The Spirit testified to me so strongly at this part, the truth of these events and I empathized greatly with Mary’s reaction upon recognizing him. Just the tender address they have to each other, her relief and joy, not just realizing it was him but truly happy to see him again. TB looked at me like I was crazy as I started crying and I had to pause for several minutes before being able to find my voice again.

I am just so grateful for this gospel in my life and to be able to feel in my heart that these things are true. Even with all my stresses in trying to get these things done in a timely fashion, I feel my Heavenly Father guiding me and bolstering my spirits with these tender mercies and witness.

Going Out West

My Aunt Wendy and Uncle David are taking their family and moving to Idaho this summer. And I am going with them.

There are so many layers to this that it’s hard for me to know where to start. I guess it starts at a Driver’s License. I don’t have one and never have. I’ve gotten a Learner’s Permit twice but that’s about it. In high school, I was terrified of driving and my mother didn’t push me to. So, I just didn’t. Then when I was married, my ex-husband tried to get me to drive but it wasn’t an encouraging atmosphere and I froze up a couple times, almost causing two accidents. Trying to set up my goals for the next 5 years, this past December, I knew that driving would be crucial to getting to clients and not being dependent on others for rides. So, it became my 2017 New Years Resolution: This year, I will get my license.

It's April and still not even a permit. It is difficult because the DMV is only open on Thursdays. I’ve been different shades of frustrated about it and taking it as an excuse to just not do it. Because deep down, I am still really scared of driving a car. I’m scared of the hills around here, the winding roads guarded by thin metal rails, with forest and drop offs that make you swallow your heart just from a peek when going past them real fast in the passenger’s seat. And if nobody pushes me…well, of course I’m not going to do it!

But it has been extremely bad for me. I feel trapped in my basement apartment. There have been times when I’ve wanted to just run to the store for something for myself, to grab some art supplies or food and I can’t. It makes me feel restless. It makes me feel worthless. Which is frustrating because I know I’m not. Because of this thing that I cannot bring myself to do, I am a burden on anyone that I ask for help, which makes me feel guilty about leaving the house. Combined with my responsibilities at church and with family and there’s this endless cycle of “stay-go” self-flagellation where I’m left immobile.

Then there’s the next layer of dissatisfaction, regarding my artwork. The last 3 months, I’ve done 1 mural and 2 small art projects. Needing to feed myself, I’m sorry but this is not good. I’ve been working on a project for Sister Van Orden for a month now, an 11x14 picture of the Smith home and it’s been frustrating how slow it has been going. Usually, the Rustoleum oil-based enamel works for the big wall murals I do, because the space is so large that when you paint one area and move to the next, by the time you return to the first area, it has dried. But for such a small piece, the paint was not drying fast enough and it wasn’t looking the way I wanted. It felt like I kept on having to take breaks to let the paint dry and every time I did…I’d get distracted and have a hard time returning to work. A break is good to have if you’ve been working for an hour or a couple in a long string. But working for barely 5 minutes and then taking a break for 20, sometimes it is hard to return to the mode you were in. I’ve lost focus by that point and each time it gets harder and harder to get it back.

So, I called my dad, who is an artist, to complain and he gently informed me that Rustoleum is more suited to those big projects but is not versatile enough to do a mini thing like that. Acrylics is what he suggested. Well…how was I supposed to know that? No, seriously, how would I ever figure that out on my own, just messing with paint? I’m married to Rustoleum since it worked for me like magic that very first time. I don’t have a desire to use other paints; it would not have occurred to me, “Hm, maybe try this other paint and maybe try a different technique too!” Then I was working on the placemats for Sister Cooper, drawing by hand lettering I found online and coloring everything with crayon and markers, and I couldn’t help feeling like it all would have turned out so much nicer if I had a computer and a graphics program. Except, I don’t know how.

There is so much I don’t know and, sadly, my sense of adventure when it comes to art is limited. Art supplies are too expensive to just “try it out for funsies!” and most of the time, I will stick with what I know how to do in order to get it done within a reasonable time frame. I tried that with the pencils and got myself professional ones. Guess what I use to do portraits with? No.2 from a box for back to school supplies. The darker, softer, harder pencils are just too varied. I don’t know how to use them. If I have a commission, I don’t have time to clown around and make a mistake and try again. So…when do I learn?

I don’t know how to sell myself. I keep trying to frame prices different ways and out here in the country, nobody wants what I’m selling or they can’t afford it. I don’t know how to get people interested. I don’t know how to reach people across the country who might be interested. Yeah, you can sit here and tell me, “oh, just go onto LinkedIn or this website!” but I don’t know how to use them. I don’t know what is the professional method for going on there and approaching my type of business. I don’t know the rules of my own community. I don’t know if I’m allowed to paint certain things on people’s walls and not get slammed by copyright. I don’t know if I’m supposed to get insurance in case someone sues me for what I put on their wall. I don’t know what I am allowed to paint and then sell prints of, like church buildings and the like.

There is so much that I don’t know and I’m not getting anywhere close to finding these answers. I’m humble enough to say that I’ve failed to be an adult. I’m 29 and insecure about how dependent I am on others for my survival and direction in life. I’m a big fat baby, which is particularly cruel because people keep telling me how much potential for greatness I have within me.

Something has to change. This week, it was suggested to me by my Aunt Wendy that I go out to Idaho with her family and go to school out there. Suddenly it felt right, like there was a brightness surrounding the prospect of this future. I don’t know stuff? Then I can go to a place of learning! I know that trope of how useless an art degree is but honestly, if I can learn how to use techniques and get some business/marketing classes, even internet marketing classes, then combining those things I can continue with my own business but now, better prepared to handle it. Instead of just winging it.

Everything has sounded so good about this idea the more we talk about it. There will be a temple right in Rexburg. The streets are all flat, prime driver’s ed real estate. I can get a job and put money towards school. I can go to a school where others share my values. I can go to a singles ward and meet some people around my age group(at least more so than here where people already have established families and they’re much older).

I know it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows. But my frustration right now has a lot to do with a lack of real challenges. With nothing else to occupy my time, I take to judging others and being harsh with myself and it’s driving me crazy. And yet I can’t leave, either to make myself or motivate myself. I could use a good helping of necessary problem solving to figure out rent and car payments and groceries for the month. I could use a bit of pressure to help my intellect grow beyond my naivete, to push myself to do homework and meet deadlines, while juggling callings and family life. I could do with some growing up…

I’m late to the game but if it’s one thing I’m actually NOT insecure about, it’s that. It feels like the perfect timing. School and a clear direction were not in my sights back in December 2015 or any time before that. If I had not discovered how to paint, I might not have realized this was what I wanted to do with my life. Most of all, I know that I cannot be a good disciple of Christ and hand of the Lord if I am unable to fend for myself, at least to some moderate degree.