Going Out West

My Aunt Wendy and Uncle David are taking their family and moving to Idaho this summer. And I am going with them.

There are so many layers to this that it’s hard for me to know where to start. I guess it starts at a Driver’s License. I don’t have one and never have. I’ve gotten a Learner’s Permit twice but that’s about it. In high school, I was terrified of driving and my mother didn’t push me to. So, I just didn’t. Then when I was married, my ex-husband tried to get me to drive but it wasn’t an encouraging atmosphere and I froze up a couple times, almost causing two accidents. Trying to set up my goals for the next 5 years, this past December, I knew that driving would be crucial to getting to clients and not being dependent on others for rides. So, it became my 2017 New Years Resolution: This year, I will get my license.

It's April and still not even a permit. It is difficult because the DMV is only open on Thursdays. I’ve been different shades of frustrated about it and taking it as an excuse to just not do it. Because deep down, I am still really scared of driving a car. I’m scared of the hills around here, the winding roads guarded by thin metal rails, with forest and drop offs that make you swallow your heart just from a peek when going past them real fast in the passenger’s seat. And if nobody pushes me…well, of course I’m not going to do it!

But it has been extremely bad for me. I feel trapped in my basement apartment. There have been times when I’ve wanted to just run to the store for something for myself, to grab some art supplies or food and I can’t. It makes me feel restless. It makes me feel worthless. Which is frustrating because I know I’m not. Because of this thing that I cannot bring myself to do, I am a burden on anyone that I ask for help, which makes me feel guilty about leaving the house. Combined with my responsibilities at church and with family and there’s this endless cycle of “stay-go” self-flagellation where I’m left immobile.

Then there’s the next layer of dissatisfaction, regarding my artwork. The last 3 months, I’ve done 1 mural and 2 small art projects. Needing to feed myself, I’m sorry but this is not good. I’ve been working on a project for Sister Van Orden for a month now, an 11x14 picture of the Smith home and it’s been frustrating how slow it has been going. Usually, the Rustoleum oil-based enamel works for the big wall murals I do, because the space is so large that when you paint one area and move to the next, by the time you return to the first area, it has dried. But for such a small piece, the paint was not drying fast enough and it wasn’t looking the way I wanted. It felt like I kept on having to take breaks to let the paint dry and every time I did…I’d get distracted and have a hard time returning to work. A break is good to have if you’ve been working for an hour or a couple in a long string. But working for barely 5 minutes and then taking a break for 20, sometimes it is hard to return to the mode you were in. I’ve lost focus by that point and each time it gets harder and harder to get it back.

So, I called my dad, who is an artist, to complain and he gently informed me that Rustoleum is more suited to those big projects but is not versatile enough to do a mini thing like that. Acrylics is what he suggested. Well…how was I supposed to know that? No, seriously, how would I ever figure that out on my own, just messing with paint? I’m married to Rustoleum since it worked for me like magic that very first time. I don’t have a desire to use other paints; it would not have occurred to me, “Hm, maybe try this other paint and maybe try a different technique too!” Then I was working on the placemats for Sister Cooper, drawing by hand lettering I found online and coloring everything with crayon and markers, and I couldn’t help feeling like it all would have turned out so much nicer if I had a computer and a graphics program. Except, I don’t know how.

There is so much I don’t know and, sadly, my sense of adventure when it comes to art is limited. Art supplies are too expensive to just “try it out for funsies!” and most of the time, I will stick with what I know how to do in order to get it done within a reasonable time frame. I tried that with the pencils and got myself professional ones. Guess what I use to do portraits with? No.2 from a box for back to school supplies. The darker, softer, harder pencils are just too varied. I don’t know how to use them. If I have a commission, I don’t have time to clown around and make a mistake and try again. So…when do I learn?

I don’t know how to sell myself. I keep trying to frame prices different ways and out here in the country, nobody wants what I’m selling or they can’t afford it. I don’t know how to get people interested. I don’t know how to reach people across the country who might be interested. Yeah, you can sit here and tell me, “oh, just go onto LinkedIn or this website!” but I don’t know how to use them. I don’t know what is the professional method for going on there and approaching my type of business. I don’t know the rules of my own community. I don’t know if I’m allowed to paint certain things on people’s walls and not get slammed by copyright. I don’t know if I’m supposed to get insurance in case someone sues me for what I put on their wall. I don’t know what I am allowed to paint and then sell prints of, like church buildings and the like.

There is so much that I don’t know and I’m not getting anywhere close to finding these answers. I’m humble enough to say that I’ve failed to be an adult. I’m 29 and insecure about how dependent I am on others for my survival and direction in life. I’m a big fat baby, which is particularly cruel because people keep telling me how much potential for greatness I have within me.

Something has to change. This week, it was suggested to me by my Aunt Wendy that I go out to Idaho with her family and go to school out there. Suddenly it felt right, like there was a brightness surrounding the prospect of this future. I don’t know stuff? Then I can go to a place of learning! I know that trope of how useless an art degree is but honestly, if I can learn how to use techniques and get some business/marketing classes, even internet marketing classes, then combining those things I can continue with my own business but now, better prepared to handle it. Instead of just winging it.

Everything has sounded so good about this idea the more we talk about it. There will be a temple right in Rexburg. The streets are all flat, prime driver’s ed real estate. I can get a job and put money towards school. I can go to a school where others share my values. I can go to a singles ward and meet some people around my age group(at least more so than here where people already have established families and they’re much older).

I know it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows. But my frustration right now has a lot to do with a lack of real challenges. With nothing else to occupy my time, I take to judging others and being harsh with myself and it’s driving me crazy. And yet I can’t leave, either to make myself or motivate myself. I could use a good helping of necessary problem solving to figure out rent and car payments and groceries for the month. I could use a bit of pressure to help my intellect grow beyond my naivete, to push myself to do homework and meet deadlines, while juggling callings and family life. I could do with some growing up…

I’m late to the game but if it’s one thing I’m actually NOT insecure about, it’s that. It feels like the perfect timing. School and a clear direction were not in my sights back in December 2015 or any time before that. If I had not discovered how to paint, I might not have realized this was what I wanted to do with my life. Most of all, I know that I cannot be a good disciple of Christ and hand of the Lord if I am unable to fend for myself, at least to some moderate degree.