Week Two!

Week Two of my preparations for moving out West! It feels like I’ve lived a lifetime just in this week because time drags so slowly; now that I have a goal and place I want to get to, it feels like it just can’t come fast enough, or things can’t happen quick enough. There have been a lot of low points this week, but I am so incredibly grateful for the people who love me and are close to me who have helped uplift me and keep my head in the game. You guys know who you are and what you have said and done to dispel those gloomy clouds and I cannot tell you how appreciative I am to have your influences in my life.

The first thing I worked on this week was my application for BYU-I. Last week, the site I ordered my transcripts from ended up not being the right place and didn’t send me anything. But this week, I found the correct site to order my transcripts from and put the order in Monday or Tuesday. It cost me almost all the money I had in the bank to do it, though, so, I ended up not having enough left over for either the physical or the permit test, so, I did not actually work on any of the driving stuff this week. However, my grandparents have urged me to get this stuff done and have even offered to help me pay for these things, so, this upcoming Thursday is the day I’m getting both the physical and test done. The plan this week is to take a lot of practice tests and study so that I don’t fail and waste that money.

I just want to take a moment to bear my testimony of both prayer and the law of tithing. I’ve been paying tithing on every piece of money that has come into my hands since September and have never wanted for anything. Sometimes it feels like there’s nothing in the bank, so, my choices are limited for a time but when it comes to actually doing things that need to get done, like this test I have to take, the Lord has provided for me, either through other people helping me or me getting paid for projects I’ve done. I am truly blessed by their love for me and by the love of my Heavenly Father. I’m trying to hold back and think things through in regards to when to spend and how much to use. And since I’m trying to take only the necessary things with me out West and have attempted to down-size how many boxes I’m packing, the urge to splurge on new purchases is gone as well. Right now, money is just being spent on the necessary things to move me forward towards the ultimate goal.

I have also had my Ecclesiastical endorsement from the Branch President and need to meet up with someone from the stake soon. This is what I mean about things dragging by; I feel an urgency to get everything done as soon as possible because there is still the chance that I can get in for the fall track but it feels like scheduling just isn’t lining up to make it happen? I don’t know, maybe this is a lesson in patience and trusting the Lord. Maybe when I finally get everything done, it turns out that option is still available and my worrying is all for nothing. I hope so. If not, then I can still get a job, work on getting my license, taking night classes; there are a ton of things I can still work on out there even if I end up taking the winter track. I am determined not to be idle.

The process of growth and change is ongoing and it will take vigilance and willingness from me to occur. I am in my current situation and stuck here because this is where my past desires have led me. I will not deny that this life is what I wanted and I am here because of choices I made to get here. I cannot continue to do things the old way. I have to learn new habits and strive for a better me, more capable and able to not only do for myself but also to contribute to what others need and the Lord’s kingdom. There have been days in the past where I become very conscious of how little I have done, how much time has been wasted just out of laziness and shiftlessness. Well. If I don’t like something, it is in my control to change it.

It's one of the things that I have been conscious of in regards to driving. Sister Cooper asked me recently why I haven’t ever learned to drive and in my explanation to her, it occurred to me that it is directly related to my fear of taking control of my life and gaining independence. Sure, everyone understands a little bit the anxiety felt when behind the wheel of this huge, hulking mass of metal barreling down the narrow paths through the countryside at alarming speeds. But my problem with it is directly about the “I am the one controlling this machine, I decide where it goes and what it does” and the power of that decision-making. I am chafed by the responsibility of it, that weight of authority, not only deciding where I’ll go but the related mistakes and accidents that might occur as a result. It is a fact of life that sometimes you mess up and make mistakes when you take risks. The whole pressure behind growth has to do with trying to avoid those while aiming for success. That’s where experience comes from. This is what I need, more than anything else, and once I think of it like that, it suddenly feels like the anxiety goes away. Like, “oh, I’ll just be able to go where I want to go. NBD.”

Another thing I worked on this week was a drawing for Sister Van Orden of the Smith home at the Priesthood Restoration Site. Like all sketches that I procrastinate on, it was incredibly easy once I sat down to do it. I’m going to be working on two more of these in the next couple of weeks, so, look forward to seeing more. This was made using a photo that my cousin, Mead’s, wife, Brianne, took of the Smith home during the winter. An absolutely gorgeous photo and I am very grateful to her for letting me use it to draw from.

This past Thursday was the Relief Society Birthday Dinner in Montrose and it was a wonderful program. One of my favorite parts was Sister Buffington singing a song, “My Sister’s Hands” which has a beautiful message about being sisters in Christ and able to help each other and depend on each other and the individuals that make up this network of love and who we are to each other. I got choked up but I tried not to cry because I was sitting right in front of her. I didn’t want to start crying because I thought it might make her cry and I didn’t want to ruin her singing, lol. My second favorite was Sister Cooper giving a talk about Relief Society and it was very informative but also very powerful. Just like the dinner in Susquehanna I went to, this dinner built my testimony about this wonderful program and how important women are to the organization of the church. There is such a balance of duties between the men and the women and I truly feel like this was set up by Heavenly Father, so that everyone could feel included and be able to provide service to His kingdom.

Sister Stohl also spoke about visiting teaching and although she said she was worried about people feeling chastised, I can see where someone might get that impression but it actually made me feel pumped about it. Because I too feel strongly about the visiting teaching program and how important it is. But it cannot work without people doing their part. Sometimes it is hard to remember all of our duties among the day to day, so, I don’t see it as chastisement to be reminded and told of helpful ways we can improve.

This weekend was also the Prince of Peace concert at the Restoration site and we got to hear the missionaries sing. They invited the local Methodist choir to sing a few hymns as well and although their music was different than what I am used to hearing, it was very good and the message was wonderful. The pastor spoke a little before he said the opening prayer and they were all just so incredibly grateful to participate with us in this celebratory concert about Jesus Christ and His resurrection. I felt the Spirit so strongly there and the sisters sang like they’ve been singing together for years, even though a lot of them have only just arrived a month or so ago.

And that’s what I was able to get done this past week. I hope to continue to make strides and move forward with my goals. Thank you to all of those who help me along the way. Each one is impressed upon my heart for their crucial contribution to helping me progress in bettering my life.