Desperate for Routine

If I had to put a name to why I fell away from the church, it would be that I didn’t chase spiritual experiences. I let the church side of things become monotonous and expected while the rest of the hours of the week, I spent consumed by fantasy. So, it might be strange to hear me say now that I crave to make it a routine. Because if it isn’t a part of my life, my thoughts, and my heart every day, I feel the Spirit leave. Not so much out of sin or me doing anything wrong but because I am refusing to pay attention or listen.

I fasted and prayed two days in a row last week, pleading with Heavenly Father to guide me to what I am supposed to do. I don’t usually like to advertise it because I want to hold true to the sacred nature of it. But I did want to bring it up because I finally got a call back from an application I put in for the Survey Sampling call center. I had the interview Monday and the woman who talked with me acted like I was already going to come to work for them. Then Thursday I had orientation among 15 others. It sounds right up my alley. Not only working with people, something I enjoy doing very much, but also a learning experience. Because of the law, you have to stay on script and to maintain professionalism and unbiased surveys, you have to stay away from what they call “filler words.” If you know me and have spoken with me at all, you know I’m the queen of filler words. “Hms”, “Yeahs,” “Alrighties,” “No doubts,” “I kid you nots,” and a myriad of others, pepper my speech to show constant attentiveness to those I am speaking to. I would like to sound more confident and less like I am begging for approval while talking to people, so, maybe learning to cut some of those out would be good for me.

Then I didn’t really read my scriptures privately or keep up with my daily prayers at all this week, not since I fasted last week. I can understand how it can seem like, once I got what I wanted, I stopped dedicating any other time or thought to my relationship with Heavenly Father. But mostly it was a lack of structure to my days or a routine that I keep up with. At home, it was easy to keep up with scriptures and daily prayer because I didn’t actually go anywhere or do anything day to day. Well, funny thing that…sometimes I feel like we don’t actually get what we want when we don’t commit or need to be reminded. I was scheduled to work yesterday, 3-8. I decided to walk, since it’s a route I have basically walked before and I left around 12:50 to time myself. If I got there early, I was going to hang around Deseret Book.

I decided to stop off at Walgreens and grab a soda first, to have while at work, and around 1:30, just when I get to Walgreens, I get a phone call from SSI that they don’t have enough work for me today and that I don’t need to come in. Those of you who have been following along know that this is one of those crucial first steps that needs to be completed in order for everything else to follow. Can’t get the apartment without money from a job. Can’t get a car without money from a job. Can’t get a driver’s license without money to pay for insurance.

Not only that but I am eager to start working, to get into a schedule, to be doing something productive with my days. So, it was a really big let down getting that call and right away I remember feeling like I was being chastised or given a warning. Because I do feel like this is a gift from Heavenly Father. I don’t think he’ll let me walk into a stressful environment or situation if I cannot remember Him during my times of need. As overjoyed as I know He has been for my return, I get the distinct impression as well that I’m not going to be lost ever again and He will humble me again and again as much as it takes to remind me before I ever walk into a situation with the potential to drift away.

I’m probably thinking way too highly of myself. But then things like today happen. Just a sleepy day, probably a day I could have dedicated to study or what have you. I did read a bit, a book I read years ago but forgot the plot of, Charly by Jack Weyland. It’s an LDS romance and very cute. Well, I haven’t read it for about a week or so. Just haven’t felt like picking it up. But I did today and continued from where I left off. Not a page into reading, Sam, the main character, gets confronted by a drunk vagrant, asking him, “Do you know Jesus Christ?” At first, Sam is irritated and even offended that a drunk would dare ask him such a thing but then with a little introspection, he concludes: “I knew the doctrine about him. I had read the scriptures and I held the priesthood and I did my home teaching and tried to fulfill my callings. Even so, I had to conclude that I could be closer to him than I was.”

I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like Heavenly Father uses whatever might pass in front of me in order to talk directly to me. Because in that moment, I did feel very much like Sam did. Like this doesn’t seem to be a consistent effort on my part and that’s one thing that I knew it would have to be if I were to remain here and continue on this path.

I feel like I keep retreading old footsteps but this has always been a problem for me, just to simply remember. And even though it is something I still struggle to make a habit and routine in my life, to chase these spiritual experiences, I feel like sharing them might benefit someone else. That if I keep at it, eventually something will click, and I’ll be able to share with you what happened and what it was that I did.

I also don’t mean to always make it seem like I’m on the verge of falling away if I don’t read my scriptures but this has been a core thing that I identified as playing an integral part in my falling away before. I don’t know if it’s just right now or if I will always be vulnerable to a laziness and the gospel progressively drifting to ales important role in my life. But being so close to my return…I remember what it felt like to be an “inactive” to not believe in anything and the way my days felt. In those times I forget, I feel that way again; more mindful of not cursing and the media I watch, but the rest of it feels the same; the emptiness and freedom of walking without the Savior beside you. Freedom in this case is not referring to its more positive connotations but the chaos of jumping into a void, untethered and unknown.

A routine is a simple thing to establish, and I definitely have the will to do it. Ever since we got here a month ago, my aunt Wendy and I go walking every morning, 2 miles. Even on the rare day when she isn’t able to go with me, I still get up and go alone. So, all I have to do is want the Savior in my life just as much(if not more) as I desire not being fat anymore.

There are dangers if I don’t make this a priority. Going to the Singles ward, I’m meeting people my age and finding interest returned to me. I couldn’t thinking over my priorities and how certain men I’ve met already don’t seem to measure up, to even the smallest priority of “must be passionate about the gospel.” Remembering why this is a priority, I’m reminded of the tango I danced with my ex, how we both contributed to the spiritual environment we were left in by the end. I cannot depend on the man having the strength of Spirit if I don’t have it…and I’m much more likely to garner the attentions of men who don’t have a lifestyle of welcoming the Spirit, if I don’t have it with me either.

Just some thoughts for right now.

I Need Thee Every Hour

So, quick personal experience lesson: That title? It’s not a joke!

Before I started coming back to church, I didn’t really have a good method of handling stress or insecurity. I’m that type of mid-level anxious person you hear about, where I entertain irrational assumptions and then fall for them like they’re real. After a couple of hours agonizing and panicking about it, I’ll realize a solution and doubly realize how much time I wasted crying about it. It’s very frustrating and it’s one of those things where before, I didn’t really have a good defense against it. It would kind of just take me for a ride for a few hours on any given day and then I’d spend the rest of the day embarrassed by my inability to just open my eyes.

Coming back to church has given me a great defense against this, particularly in regards to any negative thoughts I might have towards myself. All I really have to do is remember who I am. I remember that I am a daughter of a Father in Heaven, an heiress to great things, and that He cares about me, loves me, and even if I don’t know the plan, I can not only trust that He does, but also that whatever it entails, it is for my ultimate good. And then all of those little insecurities go away, like magic.

It's weird to say that the stress and depression I’ve been struggling with the last couple of weeks is a result of “forgetting who I am” but in the context I’ve already outlined, that’s what happened. It was like I was back in that spot that I’d been in before going back to church, just riding the irrational, emotional rollercoaster, until it would come to a stop.

Well, I really realized that something was not right when my aunt Wendy and I went to take the written driving test at the DMV(me for my learner’s permit and her to renew her license). After a little struggle in finding out what we needed to bring to confirm our residency, we took the test one at a time and we both passed. And yet, rather than celebrating about it, I was stuck in a slump, thinking how am I going to tackle the next thing on the list, which is, after I’ve practiced for a while, getting my license. But in order to drive my aunt and uncle’s car, I will need to be on their insurance. Yet I have no money for that because I have no job. And nobody will call me back for the places I’ve applied to.

It occurred to me, as my aunt Wendy was congratulating me on getting my permit, that this hollow feeling, my apathy in regards to her pride in me, her celebration for me…was not right. Why couldn’t I just let myself have this? Yes, there will be messy stuff to figure out in the near future but this step, this one right here? Hot dawg! I did it! I got it! I accomplished that sucker without breaking a sweat! Yahoo! Thank the Lord!

It was a big accomplishment to even realize in the midst of this haze that there was a problem, and you cannot tell me that the adversary doesn’t work very hard to tear us down when we’re filled with the most potential because it was extremely hard then to figure out the solution. And it was something that I should have been doing all along: keeping up with daily scripture study and prayer. Every day here in Idaho is full, sometimes I forget that we’ve only been here for a little over 2 weeks. It has been hard to dredge up the motivation and time to keep up with my personal relationship with the Spirit and Heavenly Father. Not to mention this last week in particular, it feels like I’ve been carrying a heavy, swampy monster on my back, unable to really think about myself. I remember one day, aunt Wendy was gone the whole day earlier this week and I wanted to draw, so, I drew a picture halfway and stopped. Because then I felt like maybe I wanted to read, so, I read a new book by Sheri Dew that I got. It was hard to focus on it, so, I stopped after a couple minutes and bought a YA novel on Kindle and read a couple pages of that and stopped because I really wanted to write. I cannot adequately describe the state of mind, except scattered, foggy, unhinged, and inexplicably melancholy. You can see my struggle to even come up with a coherent thought about what I was truly feeling and why I was feeling that way.

I tried to write update blog entries several times but they kept on getting filled with this negative, irrational garbage. But looking over my notes from Sunday sacrament meeting, I was curious about the note at the top of the page, something I’d written but forgot. “As I Search the Holy Scriptures – prompting during last verses.” I forgot what the last verses were, so, I looked them up and I’ll repost them here:

“As I search the holy scriptures, May thy mercy be revealed, soothe my troubled heart and spirit, may my unseen wounds be healed.

As I search the holy scriptures, Help me ponder and obey, in thy word is life eternal; may thy light show me the way.”

In the midst of this darkness, this unvoiced struggle, this struck me with a relevance that I didn’t really have a hold of at the time of writing it, but felt prompted to write down… Because someone knew I would need it and He knew that I would review my notes to write a blog entry about it. So, I read my scriptures along with Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson(I’ve been going through and reading and marking the scriptures he mentions, to help with my over all pondering on the Atonement of Jesus Christ). Guess who’s not inexplicably sad and beating herself up anymore? …Yeah, sure, probably her. But me too, I was talking about me.

I’m in the part in Believing Christ where Robinson talks about how those who make an either/or distinction between what the covenant requires for us to be party to, either faith or works, are misguided and misunderstand what it means to participate in the covenant. He takes the stance that faith itself is an action word, that even though we cannot save ourselves by our works it is enough of a token of good faith to establish the covenant with our Savior. He uses the analogy of two people on a tandem bicycle and how one person will always be doing more work than the other. But if the weaker person just pulled up their legs and rested them on the handlebars then “by definition the arrangement ceases to be a partnership and becomes exploitation.”

It made me realize that I haven’t been feeling close to my Heavenly Father and I haven’t been trying at all to make room for this relationship. It also clearly illustrated to me how dire this situation has become just from these couple of weeks not keeping up with it for my personal study and prayer. Here I was, blessed with great food, a wonderful house, surrounded by loving family, making reasonable strides on my goals and unable to celebrate, unable to see anything good in the future. How dark do the clouds overhead have to be to think “I’ll never make it” as you’re literally taking the steps towards doing it and accomplishing those steps one at a time?

I just want to bear my testimony that it is serious when people talk about building and maintaining a testimony and dialogue with the Spirit by reading scriptures, praying, and serving others. These things are not optional and you never know when you will find yourself susceptible to that loss of faith. Knowing what I know in my heart about the truth of this gospel, it did nothing to help me during this week in those times I felt like I was emotionally drowning. Because I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do. I wasn’t doing what I needed to do in order to fortify myself against these moods.

I had the idea for the title of this entry last night when I went with my cousin, Macy, to work in the laundry room at the temple. There was another girl folding clothes in there with us, a vocal music major at BYU, and she hummed beautifully the song, “I Need Thee Every Hour.” So comforting and soothing in that environment as we folded the clothes and her voices lilting in perfect pitch, wordlessly the tune to that beautiful song. I went with Macy to the YSA ward that she goes to(not for much longer though, since she just got engaged last week!) and I felt an encouragement from the Spirit was we sang this song as the closing hymn for sacrament meeting. It seemed to highlight the exact realization I’d had: I need thee every hour, Jesus Christ. I cannot be without you for even a little bit.

I also had the prompting to write down: “How Great Thou Art – last 2 verses prompting.” I don’t know if this will have relevance for later but I couldn’t help visualizing the emotions associated with these verses.

And when I think of God,
His son not sparing,
Sent Him to die,
I scarce can take it in;
That on the cross, my burden
gladly bearing He bled and died
to take away my sin

I like that part where it says “I scarce can take it in” this amount of love that I’ve been shown by His sacrifice.

When Christ shall come
With shout of acclamation
And take me home
What joy shall fill my heart
Then I shall bow
With humble adoration
And then proclaim My God
How great Thou art

I love the jubilation at the end here, the sensation I can feel in my heart and the way my imagination takes hold of going home and Christ being so proud of me.

I leave these thoughts and testimonies with you, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

"Be A Little Patient."

I got the plan written down. Here I am now in Idaho, the thing I've been antsing my pants about since April, the thing that would enable me to get to the action part of my life. The gun has fired and I've shot from the starting block. I'll give you the outline I wrote out on planning paper.

Week One

• Talk to campus - questions about track and classes, request fall track
• Set up bank account
• Fill out job applications
• Talk to DMV - learner's permit
• Find ward to go to and get records transferred
• Introduce self to Bishop and RS Pres.
• Pay tithing

Month One

• Job interviews
• Sign up for financial aid
• Befriend people at church 

Month 1-3

• Buy school supplies - books, art supplies, etc.
• Find people who need service/who do service
• Driver's test before July 31
• Get a church calling(maybe)

Month Six

• Get an apartment before January

Year One

• Between Jan-July 2018 get a car of my own

I know, really ambitious but I think I can do it. It seems a little daunting because it's a bunch of stuff I've never done before but on the face of it, it doesn't seem that hard to me. Besides, I'm expecting one change to bring on new mindsets and attitudes about the world, like an ease and familiarity with independence. Like a snowball effect.

So, this weekend, Aunt Wendy and I picked up an application for Broulim's and I filled out an application for Albertson's. Good start on that and I've looked up and organized different prospective businesses I want to apply to and which apps are already online. Then yesterday, I took a walk to campus to ask about my track. I stopped by the Hinkley building first but there was no desk and there were classrooms with people in them. But there was a girl sitting on a couch right there so I explained the situation and asked where I needed to be. Her name was Hannah and she was nice enough to escort me to the classes office(? not sure what it was but I think they talk to you about your classes and schedule). When we got within eyesight of it, I thanked her and we parted ways, so I confidently strolled into the office and asked about my track assignment.

They said I needed to go to the Kimball building, which is admissions, to get my track assignment. I asked if I could at least talk to someone about the courses I wanted to take and she told me they needed to know what track I'm on to know the schedule and stuff(makes sense). She also said they did not even have a schedule for the winter track laid out yet. So she directed me outside and down the sidewalk, straight ahead, and the Kimball building would be a brick building. I get out there and there and of course, there are a couple of brick buildings in front of me. So I head towards one and stop a young lady named Sydney for directions. She offered to walk with me a little bit too and escorted me to within eyesight of the Kimball building.

I get in there, find my way to the office I need to go to and I talk to one girl at the desk and get pushed off to the girl sitting at the desk beside her. Talking to her, she looks up my account and tells me they haven't assigned my track yet. Yes. I know. She tells me that they're still deliberating over it and that I "need to be a little patient." Once I get my assignment in an email, then "we'll go from there." I asked if I could request the fall track and she told me they don't allow track requests, so, I assume what everyone is telling me about my ability to possibly still get into the fall track is something that could happen only after I have my official assignment. But then she tells me that the fall track hasn't even started yet so the "deliberating" may take longer than usual because I signed up for the winter track; it seemed like a kind of "back burner" phrasing to me, which is worrisome because I don't want September to roll around and to THEN finally get my track assignment, way past my ability to go for the earlier track.

Deflated, I left the office and sat outside on the bench for a few minutes to catch my breath before heading back home. I don't know. This just really upset me a lot. Aunt Wendy and I have been walking every morning since we got here but still, it was a mile to the temple and then probably a mile more that I walked all over campus to the different buildings. And I just wanted to get started. I want to get into the track I want and I want to get started on homework and get through the remedial crap so that I can do the stuff that is important to me. "Be a little patient," she said. Pffft.

I get home and aunt Wendy and uncle Dave get home a couple hours later from furniture shopping bringing papers from the DMV. Awesome! Check two down on the list! She brings me a booklet and it looks like I'll need to take another written test, this time, 40 questions with only 6 possible wrong answers in order to pass. So, I need to study the booklet a lot before taking it...and yet I have yet to find a time to pick up the booklet. We've been going and going and I feel exhausted all of the time. I go to bed at 10 and wake up with the sun at 6(which is really nice actually) but it just feels like I'm losing hours, yet the hours I'm awake, I'm tired. So, I'm not going to be taking that test this week. Plus, the driver's license test has specific things they'll need me to do, almost all things I've never done before so...I don't know if I will be able to take the test and pass it by the end of this month, especially if the first week is already shot for practice time because I don't have a permit. I guess...I have to be a little patient?

Then I started to think about a job, worrying about transportation. I will need to be dependent upon rides from my aunt and uncle or anyone else for a little bit until I pass that driver's test because there is no way, at least not without a month of working up to it, that I'll be able to walk to town. The campus is right before the stores on the 2nd Est main street or whatever and I was sweating like a pig and in need of a nap just walking to the campus yesterday. I thought about getting a bike but I want to save some of the money I have for the driving stuff. So, I'm taking a little bit of a step backwards, being carted around like a teenager, dropped off at places until the driving situation can improve. It would seem that I need to be a little patient. Hm.

We're having trouble using the meetinghouse locator to find a single adult ward for me to go to. There doesn't seem to be one in Rexburg, only young single adult, which I won't bother to go to because I'll be 30 in August. Then I started to think that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to require a separate, special ride to drop me off at a different building(or different time) right now. Besides...I'm not actively looking for dates right now. I just got here, I'm trying to get all this other stuff in order; I don't really want to be worrying about that right now, even if I will be 30 soon and feel the ticking clock on the family that I'd still like to have someday. Mormon Boy is just not a song I'm singing right now. *sigh* I just have to be a little patient.

Then the holiday hits us and I woke up this morning accepting that I just wasn't going to get anything productive done today. Even in the time between all of the social stuff we were being shuffled to and fro, I'm so achey and tired, I'm not in the right mindset for studying right now. I wish I could utilize every minute of my every day but I just can't.

First was the fun run with the Hansen's ward(and probably mine) early this morning. Aunt Wendy convinced me to try the 5k, even though I still feel like I'm dying on the last hill of our mile morning walks. I got about a mile in on the route, walking with Wendy and another woman from the ward, Norma, but my shins were aching with a sharp stabbing pain with every step. So, I called it quits early and went back to the church at the first available turnoff. I felt somewhat ashamed for quitting but as my shins continued to ache all the way to the church, I surmised that there was no possible way I could have gone for the next 2 miles without possibly hurting myself. It was supposed to be a fun activity anyway, why kill myself over it?

Even still, as I stood alone for the longest time, watching better runners, more fit people cross the finish line one after another, I couldn't help feeling a little insecure. I didn't really talk to anybody then...not really sure how to relate to anyone who finished and not really sure what else to talk about with them right immediately after they had successfully completed the thing. Sitting down was a bit better as more people arrived and the run was reaching its completion, as I befriended a woman named Terra. That was really nice, although, I feel out of my element and like sometimes I'm not quite sure what to do with the information to the questions I ask about people. Like the real stuff about who they are, what they do, their families and stuff; it is hard for me to relate. I would prefer to ask about their favorite tv shows and books but...being a newly returned member and in a highly mormon dense area, I'm worried my exposure will be more than theirs.

Still, I kept trying, befriending a couple in line for the breakfast they had right after the run and we talked for a long time...but I don't remember their names. When I wasn't stuck worrying about myself, there were small things I noticed that I appreciated. The jokes between a couple of the young men who finished the run somewhat spaced apart. The little baby boy of the couple I stood in line with who got fussy but then was placated when his dad brought him a piece of pancake to munch on. The great, spiritually uplifting talk by the veteran member who showed up in uniform and was asked to speak. Terra and her visiting family slowly pushing me off the bench as they gathered for a photo and kept adding more and more to their ranks.

Then we went to the parade in town meeting up with my cousin, Coleman, and his wife, Britney and her mom, where they'd saved seats for us. I loved the parade! Sitting in the heat was awful, my skin felt like it was frying by the end of it(why, oh, why did I put on the low-swooping V-neck shirt right after the breakfast and fun run? I'm wearing a bright peach T now and the color of my chest makes it almost look like I'm wearing a turtle-neck shirt). My sunglasses did not help my vision since the sun wanted to pierce the gap right between glasses and eyebrows, so, I had to hold my hand over my brow to shade and kept switching hands because my arm was getting tired.

Despite those two complaints, it was great! I was in the moment, completely and totally at ease, watching the slow crawl of different vehicles, everything from regular vans with ads on the sides, to pretty oldies and military vehicles. Watching horses come trotting by, their riders bedazzled and sparkled, dressed like the fanciest cowboys and cowgirls. Some folks even stood on the saddles! Herds of cheerleaders that would stop nearby to flip or jump or do a quick routine. Music bands of different kinds, some with drums, some playing Caribbean-esque music, some playing bagpipes. Veterans coming by on scooters, walking with flags, or riding on floats and the burst of pride and patriotism that flew in my heart when everyone would stand and clap for them as they passed. Making note of all the names and businesses on the floats and vehicles that passed by, the people that got involved and the effort that I imagined went into each individual enterprise coming up with a "presentation" for the parade and how to decorate their little cars and floats. I also thought about the dedication of the day, for our veterans and the independence of this great nation, how everyone was celebrating this thing together.

I was especially entertained by my littlest cousin standing with the gaggle of kids just off the curb with their bags, waiting for the candy that got thrown by 1 out of every 3 cars/floats. Lindsey, a friend of the family's and daughter of Wendy's best friend from Susquehanna, stood beside her and helped her gather the little pieces that fell to the ground close by. It was just so much fun the times my cousin and Lindsey actually caught the things tossed out, like Popsicles and a water bottle. Lindsey even got a rain of little candies thrown over her at one point! Ack! XP I could have watched things go by in the parade all day.

After that, we went to Britney's mother's house and had lunch with her family and Coleman and Mead. Sitting in the back yard watching the boys play ball and listening idly to conversation, I was less worried now about being involved or having something to say. Then we watched a couple people play a round of Kubb before we all joined in and played it together. Even frying in the sun as I was and with my shy nature, especially when it comes to turn based play, I felt at ease, relaxed and had a great time. I was disappointed when we had to forego the mentioned third round and went home after dessert instead.

It wasn't until 8:30 when we all headed over to a neighbor's house for fireworks. I do not even know their name; names are hard for me and I really need an indepth conversation for imprinting. While it was still light, they shot candy out of a small cannon, the kids so adorable as they ran around in sandals and bathing suits to retrieve candy and put it with their moms or siblings, only to go running back down the street to await the next firing of the cannon.As it got darker, we settled into the backyard with our chairs along with other families that arrived over time. Peace and warmth flowed into me to watch the sun set over the valley, seeing the farmlands and lights and streets of the city below, red and purple in the sky, flahsing bright as the sun slowly made its descent.

Songs about America played on a radio nearby as kids played with sparklers, lighting them in the fire pit. And oh boy, the discovery that when they pressed the sticks together, they could light more than one spark on the same stick. This became a much repeated fascination as they got rid of old used sticks and lit new ones, boys urging each other, "Double me!" There was some conversation from a couple people but I didn't focus on it or worry too much about it, just letting the simple introductions lie. The wind picked up and so long as the sun remained in the sky, it was warm. As soon as it vanished into nothing but backlit clouds though, the chill came with it. How could I have been so hot as to be practically melting during the day, only to be here, shivering by the light of tiki torches and fairy lights?

Then the fireworks started and for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed them. The explosions went off with loud bangs and pops, then colors sprouting wings right above our heads, so close, Lindsey and I occasionally got scared that some of the fixtures in the yard might catch fire. Lindsey was a joy, a great new friend I have made, so full of light and bubbly energy; she's someone I admire for being so unabashedly free to be herself and I hope that my achievements in Rexburg will enable me to find some of that freedom and bubbly spirit too. She sang along to songs that came on the radio as we ate short cake and Reese's cups. A woman with long hair and a simple blue dress handed out glow sticks and glow necklaces and bracelets of red, white and blue to the kids once the sun went down. The boys chased each other around the yard, vague blurs of patriotic lights in the twilight, one boy singing along to Lee Greenwood's "I'm Proud to Be An American" saying "I love this land!" just as he ran past us.

Even though I didn't know barely anybody there, it was so wonderful being at the party tonight. I felt so close to everyone there, like all these people could be family as we ate together and sat together.

I think this is part of being patient. Honestly, I need to take more care and understand I'm not the only one starting out fresh here. Sometimes I think I'm not sensitive enough to the needs of others but I so desperately do not want to be seen as idle or seem ungrateful. Plus, despite it being on my list, "making friends" and "doing service" aren't really things to put on a checklist. There's stuff that comes between the work, these small moments, the nitty gritty of learning and building relationships. Things that I suppose will be just as crucial to developing that attitude and independence as getting to go to classes and learning to drive will. As I walked home from the campus yesterday, I felt upset. I was a little snooty with Heavenly Father in prayer, thinking "What?! I'm here now! Why isn't this working like it's supposed to?" And again came to mind the words from the girl behind the desk, "Be a little patient. It is okay to be a little patient." I don't know why these roadblocks are here and I will still take every opportunity that comes my way, I will still say "Yes" to things. But in achieving these goals I cannot forget what I am here to do. Because it's not like there's a place I'll get to and be like, "Okay, I'm done." The goal is to be a person, a functional adult and that is built upon a day-to-day appreciation of these gifts, these moments.

I trusted Him enough to know what is best for me to bring me out here. I can trust He knows what He's doing when I do everything I can do, I'm active about it, and I still get told to wait.