Desperate for Routine

If I had to put a name to why I fell away from the church, it would be that I didn’t chase spiritual experiences. I let the church side of things become monotonous and expected while the rest of the hours of the week, I spent consumed by fantasy. So, it might be strange to hear me say now that I crave to make it a routine. Because if it isn’t a part of my life, my thoughts, and my heart every day, I feel the Spirit leave. Not so much out of sin or me doing anything wrong but because I am refusing to pay attention or listen.

I fasted and prayed two days in a row last week, pleading with Heavenly Father to guide me to what I am supposed to do. I don’t usually like to advertise it because I want to hold true to the sacred nature of it. But I did want to bring it up because I finally got a call back from an application I put in for the Survey Sampling call center. I had the interview Monday and the woman who talked with me acted like I was already going to come to work for them. Then Thursday I had orientation among 15 others. It sounds right up my alley. Not only working with people, something I enjoy doing very much, but also a learning experience. Because of the law, you have to stay on script and to maintain professionalism and unbiased surveys, you have to stay away from what they call “filler words.” If you know me and have spoken with me at all, you know I’m the queen of filler words. “Hms”, “Yeahs,” “Alrighties,” “No doubts,” “I kid you nots,” and a myriad of others, pepper my speech to show constant attentiveness to those I am speaking to. I would like to sound more confident and less like I am begging for approval while talking to people, so, maybe learning to cut some of those out would be good for me.

Then I didn’t really read my scriptures privately or keep up with my daily prayers at all this week, not since I fasted last week. I can understand how it can seem like, once I got what I wanted, I stopped dedicating any other time or thought to my relationship with Heavenly Father. But mostly it was a lack of structure to my days or a routine that I keep up with. At home, it was easy to keep up with scriptures and daily prayer because I didn’t actually go anywhere or do anything day to day. Well, funny thing that…sometimes I feel like we don’t actually get what we want when we don’t commit or need to be reminded. I was scheduled to work yesterday, 3-8. I decided to walk, since it’s a route I have basically walked before and I left around 12:50 to time myself. If I got there early, I was going to hang around Deseret Book.

I decided to stop off at Walgreens and grab a soda first, to have while at work, and around 1:30, just when I get to Walgreens, I get a phone call from SSI that they don’t have enough work for me today and that I don’t need to come in. Those of you who have been following along know that this is one of those crucial first steps that needs to be completed in order for everything else to follow. Can’t get the apartment without money from a job. Can’t get a car without money from a job. Can’t get a driver’s license without money to pay for insurance.

Not only that but I am eager to start working, to get into a schedule, to be doing something productive with my days. So, it was a really big let down getting that call and right away I remember feeling like I was being chastised or given a warning. Because I do feel like this is a gift from Heavenly Father. I don’t think he’ll let me walk into a stressful environment or situation if I cannot remember Him during my times of need. As overjoyed as I know He has been for my return, I get the distinct impression as well that I’m not going to be lost ever again and He will humble me again and again as much as it takes to remind me before I ever walk into a situation with the potential to drift away.

I’m probably thinking way too highly of myself. But then things like today happen. Just a sleepy day, probably a day I could have dedicated to study or what have you. I did read a bit, a book I read years ago but forgot the plot of, Charly by Jack Weyland. It’s an LDS romance and very cute. Well, I haven’t read it for about a week or so. Just haven’t felt like picking it up. But I did today and continued from where I left off. Not a page into reading, Sam, the main character, gets confronted by a drunk vagrant, asking him, “Do you know Jesus Christ?” At first, Sam is irritated and even offended that a drunk would dare ask him such a thing but then with a little introspection, he concludes: “I knew the doctrine about him. I had read the scriptures and I held the priesthood and I did my home teaching and tried to fulfill my callings. Even so, I had to conclude that I could be closer to him than I was.”

I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like Heavenly Father uses whatever might pass in front of me in order to talk directly to me. Because in that moment, I did feel very much like Sam did. Like this doesn’t seem to be a consistent effort on my part and that’s one thing that I knew it would have to be if I were to remain here and continue on this path.

I feel like I keep retreading old footsteps but this has always been a problem for me, just to simply remember. And even though it is something I still struggle to make a habit and routine in my life, to chase these spiritual experiences, I feel like sharing them might benefit someone else. That if I keep at it, eventually something will click, and I’ll be able to share with you what happened and what it was that I did.

I also don’t mean to always make it seem like I’m on the verge of falling away if I don’t read my scriptures but this has been a core thing that I identified as playing an integral part in my falling away before. I don’t know if it’s just right now or if I will always be vulnerable to a laziness and the gospel progressively drifting to ales important role in my life. But being so close to my return…I remember what it felt like to be an “inactive” to not believe in anything and the way my days felt. In those times I forget, I feel that way again; more mindful of not cursing and the media I watch, but the rest of it feels the same; the emptiness and freedom of walking without the Savior beside you. Freedom in this case is not referring to its more positive connotations but the chaos of jumping into a void, untethered and unknown.

A routine is a simple thing to establish, and I definitely have the will to do it. Ever since we got here a month ago, my aunt Wendy and I go walking every morning, 2 miles. Even on the rare day when she isn’t able to go with me, I still get up and go alone. So, all I have to do is want the Savior in my life just as much(if not more) as I desire not being fat anymore.

There are dangers if I don’t make this a priority. Going to the Singles ward, I’m meeting people my age and finding interest returned to me. I couldn’t thinking over my priorities and how certain men I’ve met already don’t seem to measure up, to even the smallest priority of “must be passionate about the gospel.” Remembering why this is a priority, I’m reminded of the tango I danced with my ex, how we both contributed to the spiritual environment we were left in by the end. I cannot depend on the man having the strength of Spirit if I don’t have it…and I’m much more likely to garner the attentions of men who don’t have a lifestyle of welcoming the Spirit, if I don’t have it with me either.

Just some thoughts for right now.