See You on the Other Side...

...of the country. This will be the last blog entry from me until I am in Idaho as I am packing up my laptop now for safe-keeping.

I wish I had something inspiring to say, some new revelation to share, or a thought I've been pondering lately. I wish I even had some mournful outpouring to put here but so far it hasn't really hit me, the things and people that I'll miss. A defense mechanism I'm sure, to get in an emotionally dry state to pragmatically assess what needs to get done and be able to properly launch. Also, the past 3 months since deciding I wanted to leave have been a restless and metaphorically impatient hopping from one foot to the other, waiting for the time to go to finally arrive.

I have a lot of shackles here and Idaho is a boot camp for me to catch up on everything I've been missing since I've imprisoned myself. I cannot yet be sad about all of the things I'll miss because I've been consumed the last 3 months with all the things I won't miss.

I won't miss having to negotiate rides to places or not being able to go somewhere because I couldn't get a ride. First on my to-do list is to get comfortable enough driving that I can take the driving test before the end of July. I am making tentative goals to get a vehicle of my own before the end of the year. It'll probably be junk but it'll be MINE.

I won't miss being fat and lazy. It is easy to lose track of time here and to let myself be forgotten as I melt into surfaces and dream or watch tv. There are no safe places to walk, no places that I need to be that I can walk to, and no immediate drive to get moving either. Out there, I will be able to walk to the school, the temple, to town, to church, etc. Not only that but I will have a support system in my aunt Wendy and cousins Macy and Brianne, people to help encourage me to stay on the track to better my physical health. The laziness may still be there but I'm hoping having goals and things to do will light a fire under me and help me keep a momentum of moving forward. Here, it is easy to let everything slide because there are no other expectations; so if there is no access to work or school or church here, then why should I get up at all? To walk? Pffft. Adding those things adds motivation for the healthy lifestyle; like, I'm already up early for school/work/church, might as well go for a quick walk before I leave; I have a job and projects I'm working on, some successes here and there that I can be proud of, I feel good about myself, so, why not eat something good or do something active to feel good on the outside too?

That's another thing I won't miss: not having anything to do. I can't go to church on my own. I can't go to a job on my own. I can't go to the store on my own. And the things that I am able to do are things that are convenient; I walk into another room in the house and there is somebody to take care of; I didn't have to go anywhere or extend myself and it is hardly a challenge to take care of them. I am so dissatisfied with my lack of challenges and successes that I feel like I'm choking. As soon as I am out there, I will start working. I will outline my goals, then outline what needs to happen to achieve them and then check them off one by one. I have something to earn money for now...school and service(whatever opportunities that come up; for once I won't have all this money from a job and no reason or use for it; if I spend it on myself finally it'll be for some purpose like education, rent, car loans, etc.). I will be able to learn and grow. I remember getting out of high school and not wanting to go back to school but now I'm desperate for it. There is a goal and I'm hungry for stimulation. Sure, the credits for the liberal arts will be a bit of a grind but it's not like I need years of it; I will be learning about something I am passionate about for the goal of becoming better at my chosen field. I will have access to church programs. I hope they have a seminary program that I can be a part of. There will be devotionals, there will be callings in my future, even if not, I am available! Put me to work! There will be people to serve and they will be within reach. My days will be full, even if I get stressed, even if I make mistakes or fail at things, I will be learning, moving, and DOING something. To be stressed about all the things I need to get done?? The privilege will be mine!

There will be time...when I get out there and no doubt the emotions will hit me then, to list all of the things I miss. Next time you hear from me, I probably will be crying about the people and things I miss from home. You know who I won't miss? Who I've been while I was here. 2016 I spent digging through the attic boxes from my past, things I threw away that are a core part of who I am. I spent a long time rediscovering all of that and dusting off the treasures to reclaim them. Right now, I am the me I lost back in 2008. Now that I am whole again, it's time to move forward and I couldn't be more ready!

Talk to you soon!

Daily Hand of the Lord Journals

Near the beginning of this year, I started up a daily activity with my siblings called “Daily Hand of the Lord Jar.” Now that I am going to be moving, I will not be able to be there to guide them with this anymore. I didn’t want to leave them with a jar that they’d have to empty every month and papers that they would have to keep track of, so, I decided to get them each journals instead.

In the front of each, I wrote an introduction to the concept and in the backs, I bore my testimony in personalized letters to each of them. This is what is written in the front cover:

Daily Hand of the Lord

Have you ever had a bad day? Sometimes, when bad things happen, we classify the whole day as "ruined", even over just one thing. We forget about all of the good things that have happened. Your Heavenly Father loves you and wants the best for you. The truth is, everything He does is to help us grow closer to Him, even when we feel hurt or can't understand why. I know that the more you make note of all the good things that have been given to you, the more you will be able to see the blessings of those "bad days" and hard times.

How to Use This Book

1. Read scriptures for the day
2. While the Spirit is with you, think about your day and write down 5 things that the Lord has done to bless you
3. To help you, think of starting phrases like "I am thankful for..." or "I saw the hand of the Lord today when..."
4. Go into however much depth you want, draw pictures, or just make lists. Write down events and people who have helped you or made you happy, or just small things that have made life easier (lights, food, plumbing, etc.)

This book is for you, like a letter to Heavenly Father and your future self. So that one day, when you need it, you will know how much He loves you and always has and always will.

 
I know, a little sappy but this is what I put in them for my siblings because I'm going away. I've upgraded the jar format from one thing a day to 5 things, to challenge them to look for more blessings rather than choosing between things to write down. In this way, it doesn't matter if every day all they list is "1. we have lights; 2. We have heat; 3. I had 3 meals and snacks today; 4. I have a mom; 5. I have a dad." because even that is them taking the time to acknowledge blessings that often get overlooked in our daily lives. It sets the bar at the minimum which is definitely something we can be more grateful for and acknowledge. I know I can do more to make note of those things, because often I let that one thing sour a day where I still ate good, had a nice bed to sleep in, and got to experience luxuries that others don't have access to. And that is what this exercise is all about in addition to encouraging journaling, is showing appreciation to Heavenly Father, building testimonies, and building a sense of charity when you stop to think of what others don't have that you enjoy every day.

These past 6 months doing this daily activity with my siblings has been a great blessing to me and I’ve grown so much with them. They really inspire me with how much they love the church and the scriptures and I am thankful that I’ve gotten the chance to be there and help them grow and learn.

Missing You

I am very sad.

I miss my best friend so much. The past week has been hard but the last few days without her have been especially difficult. Coming home after dropping Steve off at Mimi’s(who graciously offered to take her for however long is needed) I am haunted by her presence and feel the need to vent to let go of some of the pain I feel over this parting.

  

It might be temporary but it also might not be. My greatest hope is that a couple years from now, when I have found a place of my own in Idaho and have made some sort of arrangement with my landlord, is that Steve will have adjusted so well and fallen in love with Mimi and their family, that it would be a cruel thing to come back and tear her away from that. That I could find peace in letting her alone to grow and love a new family and home. It would be bittersweet but preferable to me  rather than instead finding that I cannot get a cat-friendly home for years and hearing that Steve is unhappy and not adjusting to her new home. All I want is for her to feel loved and happy.

My biggest regret is the communication barrier between us, that I wasn’t able to explain to her what was happening or why. That she didn’t get a choice. The past two days without her…I’ve mentally flip-flopped a million times about the sense of it, wanting to live out my own movie moment, breaking down and driving to Hallstead to just bring her back home with me, saying, “I don’t know how it will work out but we’ll find a way!” But then part of me thinks of how selfish that is, thinking that she couldn’t be happy without me or that I couldn’t somehow survive this and grow from it. And the fantasy sort of falls apart then, with how silly and over the top it seems. I also know that part of my guilt over leaving her has to do with my own abandonment issues from childhood. Like her pain would be a mirror of my own from long ago, dealing with my parents divorcing at a very young age.

This has been a truly gloomy Monday. I slept a lot, ate a lot, and watched a lot of TV. Anything to keep me occupied but occasionally it would still come back to my consciousness and I’d break down and cry. Mostly when returning to my basement room where Steve and I have lived together in close quarters for 4 years. I will open the door and have the fleeting expectation of seeing her jump onto the bed to greet me. Or walking further into the room, I expect to see her on top of the shelf where she liked to sit waiting for me. I expect the sounds of her movement about the room while I am here. She was so much a part of my every day that it’s like a sore now, something I physically miss.

I have so much hope for the future. I’ve been keeping up a near constant dialogue with the man upstairs and His voice is what brings me out of those low points when they come upon me. That is why I have faith that this was the right decision for me right now because of how much Heavenly Father supports me in my sorrow and the whisperings of the Spirit that tell me to be strong and look forward, to keep looking and moving forward. I knew these changes in my life would be filled with moments of pain and discomfort as I shift and bend and break the walls of my tiny box, broadening my potential and becoming who I am meant to be. I know that this sacrifice, whether it ends up being temporary or permanent, is going to help me in the long run and I believe in His plan for me with all my heart, even if I cannot see where I end up.

The Spirit has spoken to me many times over these past few days, helping me envision a time when this pain will seem small, when this sorrow will be gone, and it’s helped me remember how much I’ve been trying to adjust my perspective over these months. What it means to step back and look at where we were and what lies ahead, surrounding what is happening right in front of us. Performing this mental exercise brings me a lot of comfort, even when I find it difficult to let go of what currently has my focus.

I am a believer in animals being guiding/guardian spirits. I don’t know the church’s official stance on animals other than that they do have intelligences and souls but it is my personal belief that animals, in particular pets, are sent into our lives to guide us towards specific pathways and help us on our journeys. Steve was definitely that for me. I lost a friend in my divorce and she was there to keep me from feeling so alone. Someone to love me without any judgements or hard to reach qualifications, to help me realize that even without my ex, I was still lovable and capable of caring for someone else. There are a lot of things that surround me that I have used to insulate myself from growth, to keep myself cozy while I hibernated my life away. Despite my necessary drawing of strength from her during my time alone right after my divorce, Steve had become another security blanket for me in keeping things the same.

I feel more impressed and constantly reminded of my unfettered status now. I am free. Even as it still hurts, I am clinging to this idea and trying to nurture it, that I am not tied down with “Oh, I would but my cat…” or “I have to think about what to do with my cat…” Not that it was ever a burden that was felt in any way but the reality is I have options and movement now. Some day, this amount of freedom might not be so necessary and I will have my independence and be able to care more appropriately for a small companion. But for now, looking on the bright side, I have nothing keeping me from moving forward.

And I sincerely doubt Steve begrudges me this talk of freedom either. Mimi, my patron and friend, has a big home with children and animals that she has rescued. I was immediately impressed by her big heart upon our first in depth conversation back in October and I am still in awe of how much she is willing to open her arms to those in need of love and security. Steve will find a great deal of love in Mimi and not only that, but a house full of children to teach her patience and love, and animal friends for her to socialize with. That was one of the things that stopped me from getting too far in my fantasies of bringing her home, was the thought of what I’d be taking her away from. Opportunities to socialize. Steve has been an only cat for years and especially the last 4 years, she’s been secluded in my windowless basement room with just me for company. The kids would occasionally stop by my room but I was the only face she’d see 95% of the time.

In that way…I take inspiration from Steve. Maybe she is a mirror for me after all, not for my younger self but the me here and now and the opportunities we’re both being presented with as we part ways. Opening up our avenues of exposure and socialization, facing challenges to our old ways of being and becoming so much more in the end.

I love you, Steve, and I know the Lord will bless us both.