Missing You

I am very sad.

I miss my best friend so much. The past week has been hard but the last few days without her have been especially difficult. Coming home after dropping Steve off at Mimi’s(who graciously offered to take her for however long is needed) I am haunted by her presence and feel the need to vent to let go of some of the pain I feel over this parting.

  

It might be temporary but it also might not be. My greatest hope is that a couple years from now, when I have found a place of my own in Idaho and have made some sort of arrangement with my landlord, is that Steve will have adjusted so well and fallen in love with Mimi and their family, that it would be a cruel thing to come back and tear her away from that. That I could find peace in letting her alone to grow and love a new family and home. It would be bittersweet but preferable to me  rather than instead finding that I cannot get a cat-friendly home for years and hearing that Steve is unhappy and not adjusting to her new home. All I want is for her to feel loved and happy.

My biggest regret is the communication barrier between us, that I wasn’t able to explain to her what was happening or why. That she didn’t get a choice. The past two days without her…I’ve mentally flip-flopped a million times about the sense of it, wanting to live out my own movie moment, breaking down and driving to Hallstead to just bring her back home with me, saying, “I don’t know how it will work out but we’ll find a way!” But then part of me thinks of how selfish that is, thinking that she couldn’t be happy without me or that I couldn’t somehow survive this and grow from it. And the fantasy sort of falls apart then, with how silly and over the top it seems. I also know that part of my guilt over leaving her has to do with my own abandonment issues from childhood. Like her pain would be a mirror of my own from long ago, dealing with my parents divorcing at a very young age.

This has been a truly gloomy Monday. I slept a lot, ate a lot, and watched a lot of TV. Anything to keep me occupied but occasionally it would still come back to my consciousness and I’d break down and cry. Mostly when returning to my basement room where Steve and I have lived together in close quarters for 4 years. I will open the door and have the fleeting expectation of seeing her jump onto the bed to greet me. Or walking further into the room, I expect to see her on top of the shelf where she liked to sit waiting for me. I expect the sounds of her movement about the room while I am here. She was so much a part of my every day that it’s like a sore now, something I physically miss.

I have so much hope for the future. I’ve been keeping up a near constant dialogue with the man upstairs and His voice is what brings me out of those low points when they come upon me. That is why I have faith that this was the right decision for me right now because of how much Heavenly Father supports me in my sorrow and the whisperings of the Spirit that tell me to be strong and look forward, to keep looking and moving forward. I knew these changes in my life would be filled with moments of pain and discomfort as I shift and bend and break the walls of my tiny box, broadening my potential and becoming who I am meant to be. I know that this sacrifice, whether it ends up being temporary or permanent, is going to help me in the long run and I believe in His plan for me with all my heart, even if I cannot see where I end up.

The Spirit has spoken to me many times over these past few days, helping me envision a time when this pain will seem small, when this sorrow will be gone, and it’s helped me remember how much I’ve been trying to adjust my perspective over these months. What it means to step back and look at where we were and what lies ahead, surrounding what is happening right in front of us. Performing this mental exercise brings me a lot of comfort, even when I find it difficult to let go of what currently has my focus.

I am a believer in animals being guiding/guardian spirits. I don’t know the church’s official stance on animals other than that they do have intelligences and souls but it is my personal belief that animals, in particular pets, are sent into our lives to guide us towards specific pathways and help us on our journeys. Steve was definitely that for me. I lost a friend in my divorce and she was there to keep me from feeling so alone. Someone to love me without any judgements or hard to reach qualifications, to help me realize that even without my ex, I was still lovable and capable of caring for someone else. There are a lot of things that surround me that I have used to insulate myself from growth, to keep myself cozy while I hibernated my life away. Despite my necessary drawing of strength from her during my time alone right after my divorce, Steve had become another security blanket for me in keeping things the same.

I feel more impressed and constantly reminded of my unfettered status now. I am free. Even as it still hurts, I am clinging to this idea and trying to nurture it, that I am not tied down with “Oh, I would but my cat…” or “I have to think about what to do with my cat…” Not that it was ever a burden that was felt in any way but the reality is I have options and movement now. Some day, this amount of freedom might not be so necessary and I will have my independence and be able to care more appropriately for a small companion. But for now, looking on the bright side, I have nothing keeping me from moving forward.

And I sincerely doubt Steve begrudges me this talk of freedom either. Mimi, my patron and friend, has a big home with children and animals that she has rescued. I was immediately impressed by her big heart upon our first in depth conversation back in October and I am still in awe of how much she is willing to open her arms to those in need of love and security. Steve will find a great deal of love in Mimi and not only that, but a house full of children to teach her patience and love, and animal friends for her to socialize with. That was one of the things that stopped me from getting too far in my fantasies of bringing her home, was the thought of what I’d be taking her away from. Opportunities to socialize. Steve has been an only cat for years and especially the last 4 years, she’s been secluded in my windowless basement room with just me for company. The kids would occasionally stop by my room but I was the only face she’d see 95% of the time.

In that way…I take inspiration from Steve. Maybe she is a mirror for me after all, not for my younger self but the me here and now and the opportunities we’re both being presented with as we part ways. Opening up our avenues of exposure and socialization, facing challenges to our old ways of being and becoming so much more in the end.

I love you, Steve, and I know the Lord will bless us both.