See You on the Other Side...

...of the country. This will be the last blog entry from me until I am in Idaho as I am packing up my laptop now for safe-keeping.

I wish I had something inspiring to say, some new revelation to share, or a thought I've been pondering lately. I wish I even had some mournful outpouring to put here but so far it hasn't really hit me, the things and people that I'll miss. A defense mechanism I'm sure, to get in an emotionally dry state to pragmatically assess what needs to get done and be able to properly launch. Also, the past 3 months since deciding I wanted to leave have been a restless and metaphorically impatient hopping from one foot to the other, waiting for the time to go to finally arrive.

I have a lot of shackles here and Idaho is a boot camp for me to catch up on everything I've been missing since I've imprisoned myself. I cannot yet be sad about all of the things I'll miss because I've been consumed the last 3 months with all the things I won't miss.

I won't miss having to negotiate rides to places or not being able to go somewhere because I couldn't get a ride. First on my to-do list is to get comfortable enough driving that I can take the driving test before the end of July. I am making tentative goals to get a vehicle of my own before the end of the year. It'll probably be junk but it'll be MINE.

I won't miss being fat and lazy. It is easy to lose track of time here and to let myself be forgotten as I melt into surfaces and dream or watch tv. There are no safe places to walk, no places that I need to be that I can walk to, and no immediate drive to get moving either. Out there, I will be able to walk to the school, the temple, to town, to church, etc. Not only that but I will have a support system in my aunt Wendy and cousins Macy and Brianne, people to help encourage me to stay on the track to better my physical health. The laziness may still be there but I'm hoping having goals and things to do will light a fire under me and help me keep a momentum of moving forward. Here, it is easy to let everything slide because there are no other expectations; so if there is no access to work or school or church here, then why should I get up at all? To walk? Pffft. Adding those things adds motivation for the healthy lifestyle; like, I'm already up early for school/work/church, might as well go for a quick walk before I leave; I have a job and projects I'm working on, some successes here and there that I can be proud of, I feel good about myself, so, why not eat something good or do something active to feel good on the outside too?

That's another thing I won't miss: not having anything to do. I can't go to church on my own. I can't go to a job on my own. I can't go to the store on my own. And the things that I am able to do are things that are convenient; I walk into another room in the house and there is somebody to take care of; I didn't have to go anywhere or extend myself and it is hardly a challenge to take care of them. I am so dissatisfied with my lack of challenges and successes that I feel like I'm choking. As soon as I am out there, I will start working. I will outline my goals, then outline what needs to happen to achieve them and then check them off one by one. I have something to earn money for now...school and service(whatever opportunities that come up; for once I won't have all this money from a job and no reason or use for it; if I spend it on myself finally it'll be for some purpose like education, rent, car loans, etc.). I will be able to learn and grow. I remember getting out of high school and not wanting to go back to school but now I'm desperate for it. There is a goal and I'm hungry for stimulation. Sure, the credits for the liberal arts will be a bit of a grind but it's not like I need years of it; I will be learning about something I am passionate about for the goal of becoming better at my chosen field. I will have access to church programs. I hope they have a seminary program that I can be a part of. There will be devotionals, there will be callings in my future, even if not, I am available! Put me to work! There will be people to serve and they will be within reach. My days will be full, even if I get stressed, even if I make mistakes or fail at things, I will be learning, moving, and DOING something. To be stressed about all the things I need to get done?? The privilege will be mine!

There will be time...when I get out there and no doubt the emotions will hit me then, to list all of the things I miss. Next time you hear from me, I probably will be crying about the people and things I miss from home. You know who I won't miss? Who I've been while I was here. 2016 I spent digging through the attic boxes from my past, things I threw away that are a core part of who I am. I spent a long time rediscovering all of that and dusting off the treasures to reclaim them. Right now, I am the me I lost back in 2008. Now that I am whole again, it's time to move forward and I couldn't be more ready!

Talk to you soon!