So much to talk about and I worry this entry will
be a long one. I suppose I will start out by once again baring my testimony
about the power of prayer, about Heavenly Father’s specific, individual love
and attention for each and every one of us, and that He does talk to us if we
open our hearts and eyes.
So, this month has been topsy turvy for me. About
the middle of the month, for about a week, I was suffering from a bout of
depression. After realizing the error of my perspective in my last entry, I
wasn’t feeling very good about myself. Sometimes, it is easy to lose sight of
this entire Earth life as a process, of growth as a continual effort of moving
forward. I feel discouraged sometimes by how many times I need to have
epiphanies about charity and service. Like, why can’t I just get it? Why can’t
I just hold onto it and put it into practice? What’s my problem, you know? I
keep on having these powerful experiences, these instances of hearing the
Lord’s voice, seeing His hand in my life, patiently teaching me these things
and yet I forget it a week later. It makes me frustrated with myself and
sometimes my compassion for myself runs a little dry.
We all get into a moody funk sometimes and after
crying about it for a few days and feeling lousy about myself, I started to
have my answers. This is how I know Heavenly Father is a nurturing being. Because
even as I face a dark spell where I am so focused on myself for His previous
lessons just not sinking in(truly, I am the queen of irony), He says something
like, “Don’t fret. Here, try to look at it this
way.”
The Relief Society celebrated its 175th
birthday this month and we had a broadcast and dinner in Susquehanna on the 25th.
I had struggled with the choice of either going to Montrose or Susquehanna
because they both had scheduled things for the evening, including watching the
broadcast. After my grandmother got home from her trip with grandpa earlier
this week and I knew how hard she and my aunt had worked in their preparations,
I decided to go and help out. I’m glad I did! Wendy was running a little late
with a prior engagement and it was just me, grandma, and grandpa at the church
setting up the tables and decorations. On top of that, grandma was feeling
under the weather after returning from their trip, so, was a little worn down.
Even still, I was right where I was supposed to be, helping put up tables and
chairs and tablecloths. Thankfully, others arrived to also help with the rest
of the stuff after that.
The evening was very impactful to me. Just a
wonderful dinner and program spent with my old friends and some new ones at the
Susquehanna branch. To start the program off, aunt Wendy and grandma had asked
a few women of different ages and stages in their lives to speak about what the
Relief Society means to them and how it has helped them. Sister Hill, one of
the missionaries I met last year who has returned to the Restoration Site this
spring, stood up and talked about how she was returning from school after her
first semester away from home, only to meet her mother at the gate with her mom
on the phone talking to somebody. At first, she was a little jealous for her
mother’s attention at that moment until she overheard the conversation she was
having. Her mother was talking to one of the women she visit teaches, helping
her through a rough time this woman was going through. Listening to her mother,
and just from the pure fact that this special moment of reunion was sacrificed
for this calling, really impressed upon Sister Hill a testimony of the
importance of visiting teaching.
This struck me as a direct message to me. I’ve
read a ton of accounts about visiting teaching, particularly along the vein of “they
happened along right when I had prayed for help” type of perfect coincidences.
I want that in my life so badly. I want to serve the Lord so much by
befriending and serving my sisters. I know that this is an important
responsibility, that these “hands of the Lord” type things don’t happen from
sitting back on my toosh. I want the transformative effects of service to work
on me too because I know He is hounding me, He is teaching me so carefully for
a reason. He has seen some potential in me to be an instrument for Him and I
want to say “yes” to everything so that I can be that for Him.
Next, Brianne Hansen stood up and shared about
how Relief Society has helped her. She talked about wanting to serve a mission
but not being able to for health reasons, and how at the right moment, she was
called to be Relief Society president at the ward near her college, instead.
How it was the perfect opportunity to still serve, even though it was not the
one she aspired to be. How she learned from the calling and how it taught her
how important every calling is in the church. How the Lord let her know she was
still needed for her gifts of leadership, teaching, and service.
I felt the Spirit very strongly while she spoke
and it impressed upon me the importance of every calling in the church, even if
I might not get the one I wanted. Heavenly Father knows me just like He knows
Brianne and knew what she needed right then. I identified with the younger
women’s testimonies the most, I’m afraid, even though the heartfelt thoughts
shared by the other women were really inspiring as well.
My grandmother ended things by talking about her
own experiences with Relief Society. My grandmother, as strong in the church as
she is, how talented she is and knowledgable, admitted that she hadn’t always
been. That when she was a young wife, she didn’t know how to cook much and
learned that from Relief Society. She spoke about how she learned to decorate
cakes(which she is phenomenal at now), mend and make clothes(which she is
amazing at now), and a whole slew of things from Relief Society.
I thought about it then, how naturally these
gifts seem to her now, how much people depend on her for them now, how much she
is able to help people now with all these wonderful things that she can do. And
then I thought of how much I wish I were like her in these certain things, how
she learned them, how ungifted she was with them at one time in her life. Then
I thought about how I think and feel about Relief Society(and in the past,
Young Womens) activities, my boredom and dislike of the more crafty/homemaking
activities. I thought about this gift I have been squandering, how unprepared I
am, and unpolished and unskilled I am with a lot of things and how there has
been a service of learning(not to mention bonding with my sisters) right in
front of me the whole time. I felt impressed, my perspective shifting, by the
things my grandmother spoke about at the dinner, the value of Relief Society
activities. I hope to attend more meetings in Montrose if I can.
After dinner, we all went into the chapel and sat
for the broadcast. I was upright and paying attention to Sister Cordon’s talk
as she opened with Proverbs 3:5-6 and what exactly it means to “lean” when it
refers to “leaning unto one’s own understanding.” Then she began to delve into
answering the question, “How do I keep myself centered in the Lord?” 1. Feast
on the words of Christ 2. Prayer and 3. Serve others. I was reminded of the
movie Little Boy that I watched with grandma and grandpa and how much emphasis
was put upon “service” as a faith building exercise. There was a quote she
shared and I’m not sure if it was from Amy Wright, a sister who sent her
letters about her cancer and chemo treatments she went through or not. But at
once I was struck like lightning as she described the torment and misery of
focusing on herself and her dire situation, how bleak and dark everything
became. But how when she focused on others, she was filled with light,
optimism, and love.
How clear to me, the voice of my Heavenly Father
speaking directly to me through this sister and her message. In my depressive
state, I focused so much on my limitations, on my failures, that it was hard to
remember the path I was on. It was like I had let go of the iron rod, unmoving
from my spot, but still the mists of darkness had rushed in to cloud my vision
of the path, threatening to lose me in it if I were to take a step. I truly
believe in the power of service, even though I have not done much to gain a
personal testimony of it for myself. From watching others and from reading the
words of Christ, I know that if I do good for others, it will make me feel good
and feel closer to other people, more connected to them and my Heavenly Father.
I know intuitively that if you’re busy serving, there’s not a whole lot of energy
or time left to dedicate to feeling sorry for oneself.
I didn’t feel a whole lot of connection to the
holiness talk by Sister McConkie but one story stood out to me about the 13
year old girl in Uganda, Evangeline. How she went to less active girls homes
and sought from their parents to allow them to go to church. Sunday was chore
day for a lot of these girls so, Evangeline would come by all of the girls
homes and help them finish their chores so that they could go to church. And
she mentioned how often, those girls were allowed to go to church due to this
girl’s efforts serving and helping her friends.
I thought about the dedication that would take,
the absolute love and sacrifice. She didn’t pester her friends to “hurry and
get them done so you can come with me!” She didn’t sit back and whine about how
dumb parents can be or something silly and immature. She saw what the problem
was(the chores need to be done before the girls are allowed to go) and she
thought of something within her power to make it happen. The solution isn’t
always what is easiest for everybody.
Then President Eyring spoke about the peace the
Lord can give us. He mentioned the sons of Mosiah praying for comfort while
they were acting as missionaries in the land of the Lamanites. He also
mentioned how if men come unto Christ, he will show unto them their weakness…and
that he does this to keep them humble. How specific He gets when pushing forth
the words of inspired people in front of me. This was exactly the balance I
have been struggling with, the acceptance of my failures and the importance of
not only not focusing so much on my own situation to lose sight of what it is I
am being asked to do but also that this isn’t something I am supposed to get
caught up on. It is to keep me from getting too self-important, too unteachable,
no matter how much I learn. To show me what I can always do better, where my
growth is needed. He does it to help me and guide me.
There were a lot of great talks this Sunday as
well. Sister Macialek and Sister Abney both talked about obedience with new
perspectives, and Elder Abney talked about the pride of Oliver Cowdrey that led
to his temporary falling away from the early church. What really struck me
though was Sister Harrington’s lesson in Relief Society about Happiness vs.
Joy. We were asked for our definitions of each and why/how they were different
and we spent a long time discussing this. It was very insightful and I liked
several points brought up. Most everyone agreed that there was more depth and
intimacy involved in “joy” but that “happiness” was temporary and related more
to the feeling/emotion, like when something makes us smile. Sister Harrington
then defined them for us by stating that happiness had to do with “happenings”
and joy came from doing God’s work, serving others, and a sense of fulfilment resulting
from contact with the Spirit.
This distinction was particularly relevant to me,
especially dealing with my depressive moods(which I believe to be somewhat
self-inflicted by habitual thinking patterns that I just haven’t broken yet).
My happiness is of course temporary but my joy can be lasting if I seek after
the things that cause it. At the beginning of the lesson, Sister Harrington
handed me a little pile of paper pieces with quotes on them, asked me to select
one if I’d like to read, and pass it on. I chose one with the quote from C.S.
Lewis from his book, The Great Divorce, about people on the wrong roads needing
to find their way back to where they were led astray before continuing on. I
did not read it before selecting it and I had heard this quote before but it’s
not one I am familiar with. But the impact this had on me when I read it and we
discussed it, reminded me so much of my journey. Like I’m going back…to when my
ex and I were married in the temple and finding myself again. How I’m
rediscovering these lost truths, like amnesia and I’m suddenly remembering who
I am.
I didn’t stay for the whole thing because I got
called out of class by President Wilcox for my girl’s camp interview, but I did
stay long enough for us to discuss the concept of “How does the Atonement wash
my sins away but the consequences remain?” Sister Harrington said that the
Atonement heals our hearts and spirits and gives us strength to handle those
consequences. That really rings true for me, how the Atonement is there to take
away the weight of these burdens, how we become rejuvenated by its power in our
lives and the way it transforms us, bit by bit.
After all of that, all that I’ve told you about
how Heavenly Father comforts me, teaches me, and talks to me through my loving
brothers and sisters, I tell you that He truly does provide solutions for our
problems. Here I am, occasionally still assailed by my tendency to over-focus
on myself, especially over my forgetfulness on these lessons about service, and
what is His solution? Sounds like Manders needs opportunities for service!
Sister Cooper gave me my visiting teaching
assignment yesterday! I am so excited! They’re sisters I recognize but have
never properly met and they have been very kind to me the times I have spoken
with them. They’re sisters and they live together too, so, it’s not necessarily
challenging but just enough for me to get out and start getting to know people!
I also met my visiting teaching companion, Sister Harrington(not the one who
taught but the older woman in that family; from what I gather, the families are
extensive and connected in Montrose). She is so sweet and warm, very loving and
excited to serve with me.
Not only that but it was brought up that yes,
there was a calling in consideration for me and it should be coming soon! More
opportunities to serve! Honestly…I felt a huge gust of relief blow out of me
when these things happened. Strangely enough, like a burden being lifted. I
hate how wrapped up in myself I can get sometimes. I hate the times when I get
stuck in a cycle of “woe is me” thinking and I just have to let it run its
course. It is like I become somebody else, somebody so self-absorbed that they
can’t love anybody, not even themselves. It doesn’t happen often and this month
was the first time I have experienced it since finding the church again, and to
be honest, it was a lot tamer than I am describing. I’m mostly referring to the
feeling of being stuck. Like wanting to go outside but you can’t bring yourself
to open the door. It’s stupid rather than sad and I dislike feeling that.
So, to have these things offered to me, these
opportunities to grow and serve, I’m relieved that I will be able to
concentrate on someone else. That if I ever feel threatened again, I have the
burden and responsibility to someone who needs me. It was always true with the
Lord but it is harder to see when it’s just me and Him and I feel like He felt
this need and impressed my branch president and sister Cooper to approach me
yesterday with these good tidings of callings and callings to come.
I am just so grateful for this gospel in my life,
the Spirit and its influence upon me, how Heavenly Father takes me by the hand
so gently all the time.
