Daughter of God

I’ve been having a really hard time lately. For the past two weeks, I’ve been in a depressed and fatalistic fog. I’ve been trying to save someone who does not want to be rescued.

For a while there, I flip flopped on whether anything was worth it if I could not have this desired outcome. Then I wondered if I was the problem and if extricating myself from the situation was the answer, despite those who need me possibly suffering as a result. I knew that couldn’t be it either simply because “running away” sounded like an idea that would only benefit me in the short term emotionally, and nobody else. “Things are tough? Dude, bale on that while you can! You gotta look after you despite what that’ll do to other people.” That doesn’t feel like Heavenly Father’s style. I knew there was something here that I was missing, a perspective shift that I was supposed to have but that I was struggling against. Well, I finally put the pieces together and I would like to share with you what I found.

Do you find it frustrating when someone is unhappy and yet won’t listen to your advice on what will make them happy? They just keep on doing the same thing they always do, over and over, and wonder why they don’t feel better, why things don’t get better, why they’re still unhappy? You want to shake this person and make them open their eyes to their own worth. It’s like you’re suddenly desperate for their salvation because their unhappiness is starting to consume you too.

Well, it turns out forced obedience is not the plan of the one we followed. It turns out…my role is not as the Savior of souls and this is not my burden to bear. Isn’t that where that sorrow comes from? It’s not from love as I at first thought – the assumption being that my love was expressed in a wish for their happiness, resulting in frustration and impatience over their lack of a willingness to cooperate with my desires for them. Hmmm, sounds a bit more prideful to me. Sounds a bit more like…a “glory is to be mine” type mentality. The fact of the matter is, “I know better than you” is judgmental, especially from a novice such as I who literally has to have 6 months of nonstop “charity/service/love thy neighbor” talks, lessons, promptings, and discussions hammered into me to get it for each individual person that I’ve come into contact with because I just can’t seem to listen when I had the epiphany the first time.

Heavenly Father has been very patient with me to allow me to retake this test, over and over. He even helps me study! Not only did I get a reminder of perspective with my work on the plan of salvation cards I drew this week but this Sunday, I had a bunch of lessons to help sharpen the point. And still, I wasted the entire rest of the day sidestepping and looking away from what Heavenly Father wanted me to see. These epiphanies and perspective shifts are all creations had within the last few hours.

So, this Sunday was my first official day going to the Montrose branch. I’ve been there before but this is a different perspective, knowing that this is my home branch now and I need to focus on being here long term. So, I said a prayer this morning that I’d hear what I needed to hear today, opening my heart and mind to His Spirit and His instruction. All the talks were about service and charity today. I found that odd, particularly the comment Brother Arthur made, saying that his talk was actually made for Valentine’s Day but weather and branch conference had kept him from giving it at the appropriate time. I cry now, not only realizing that this was orchestrated in such a way, that Heavenly Father saved this talk for this time for something I needed from it but also going over my notes from today.

• Brother Arthur told a story about how when he was on a mission, he loved to argue scripture and “be right” but how he realized nothing good really came out of those types of interactions.
• 1 Corin 13 – sounding brass “like Charlie Brown’s teacher”
• Without genuine love behind what you do, all that we do and say comes off as noise that people drown out; they don’t pay attention because it’s not coming from a place of love for them.
• Not about results or reaching some level – it’s about the “process of perfection”
• Learning to love as God loves us – Something that you become.
• Disciples are known by the love they show.

Is it just me or does this sound exactly like my situation? Well, just in case I missed it, Heavenly Father presented me with another talk to help me figure it out. Patriarch Chudleigh’s talk was a mashup of quotes from Presidents and General Authorities about charity and service.

• Mother Theresa quote – “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.”
• Charity = opposite of judgement; love in action.
• Charity purifies all that it touches.
• Charity = love + sacrifice.

And finally, in case I just wasn’t paying close enough attention, He gave me a third course on it with Sister Arthur’s talk.

• Moroni 10:31-32
• Awake – assumption is that you were sleeping first; make sure we are not “slumbering” in the gospel
• Arise – assumption is that you were seated first; make sure we are not at rest, stagnating.
• Ministry – everyday life.
• Sister Arthur told a story about how hectic her mornings are and how hard it is for her to remember Christ at those times. Then she realized, her perspective shifted, how doing her daughters hair was a service to them, to make sure they were prepared for church. She was able to serve even by doing that one little thing.
• To pity distress is human, to relieve it is godlike.

It’s not like I wasn’t there. I wrote these things down. I heard them. But for what I needed, I didn’t internalize them until just a few hours ago. Here I am not only struggling with the weight of this burden to save someone but with the thought that conditions were lining up to make it a guarantee that I will lose them. Like how I did with the kids, I accepted the idea that the worst was not only a possibility but a guarantee. And suddenly it all clicked into place. If I had limited amount of time with this person, knowing already that they were going to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it, how would I spend it? Would I be shaking my finger at them or giving them worried looks?

I’ve been feeling so bad lately because I thought I was being sent into the ring with the mission to save. My failure to do so meant I was not good enough, that He had it wrong about me. That I just wasn’t strong enough to do it. That’s not it at all. Today, Sister Beaman lead the Relief Society discussion about women being daughters of God and we went over what that meant and how we could remember. It was brought up how this title is not something we can hide from, not a responsibility we can shirk, but that the expectations and duty of this divine calling is ours by birthright. I am a champion of His. It is not my job to save; that’s His job. All He demands of me is to love.

That’s why this keeps coming up, that’s why I keep needing to have the epiphany about the impermanence of life here on Earth. Because I keep getting hung up on what is actually expected of me. Truly, it changes everything when you think about the inevitable and how little time there really is. Why waste time on making particulars about this or that flaw? “Oh, you know, if you weren’t doing that, you’d be easier to love. Oh, if you stop doing that, then it’ll be safe for me to give of myself to you.”

Even more than that, it is realizing that with all my joy in the gospel, with all my exuberance over the purpose it gives my life, I am and will always be a child in His ways. For as long as I live, I will never master these precepts the way He has and nobody will. It’s another one of those circular things, like what uncle Dave told me: you learn by teaching. Constantly we are learning even when we think we are the teachers. So, why would I get frustrated and impatient with a student that 1. Isn’t mine and 2. Is afforded the same amount of patience as Heavenly Father has shown this stubborn pupil over these past 6 months? Seriously, by now, if you’ve been keeping up, you must feel like you’ve read this one already.

I was struggling to understand what it means to love the sinner and not the sin and I still don’t truly know what that means. But I think I’m maybe on one side of it by realizing I’m a student in the same class as them with no more need to be so tormented over their lack of perceived progress than Heavenly Father who holds the real grading score in His hands but also realizing the ranking of priorities in regards to flaws and what could get in the way of using this time for the tasks I’ve been given. I’m reminded of my high school English class and a timed essay we were supposed to write and how I got so panicked about the 20 minute time limit, that I spent 5-10 of those minutes writing a 3 page note to my teacher about why I just didn’t have enough time to write the essay and how sorry I was about it. With doodles in the margins.