Things have been going well, my friends. I have a job, I work 30+ hours each week and I'm doing well at achieving the milestones that make me eligible for bonuses. Plus, it's easy and it is something that I like to do. I also walk 2 miles to work and 2 miles home every day of the week, so, I'm losing weight quickly. I've lost 25 lbs. since I've been in Rexburg. But not all is well.
I'm haunted by a shadow, call it depression or insecurity or stress; whatever. It whispers in my ear how no matter what I do, "I'm not good enough." And I am obsessed with being a burden. Every day, I am crushed by the weight of knowing other take care of me, that every minute of my day is a progress report on whether my burden is heavy or light for them, depending on whether my achievements are worthy or not. And every day I feel like I max it out. Every time the Lord tells me to wait, to trust in Him, to just take pleasure in the small victories, I am tearing at my own skin because the scale has gone too high. While we're all waiting, I see myself as idle and I panic. I feel like I'm not supposed to be happy, that enjoying myself, being proud of myself at work, it's not "taking this seriously enough."
I don't mind doing my part. I don't mind being given things to do. I just hate feeling like anytime I accomplish anything, someone has to turn around and flippantly say, "Yeah, that's great. But you haven't even started on this over here and here's this thing you've been slacking on." The funny thing is, I don't even get that conversation. I get it in looks or passive aggressive comments and I feel like I'm back in my mother's house being manipulated by subtlety because I don't deserve an actual face-to-face. No, I guess everyone would prefer that I assume what the conversation is and beat myself up about it. Which I am all too willing to do! Gladly! I get it: I'm lazy. I'm spoiled. I'm ungrateful. It's okay, leave it up to me; I'll grind those flaws out.
I'm having a hard time feeling like this is worth it. Like any of it will amount to anything in the end. What am I doing going to school for art anyway? Nobody will think it's worth anything if it's not a viable career...and it's not. There's not enough talent in me for that. It's taken a lot of pep talking this weekend and a lot of scripture reading to remember who I am because for the most part, I feel like this growing thing isn't going well because I'm just not fast enough. I don't walk fast enough to keep up with other people. I am not present for those heart-to-heart conversations so its not worth it to bring me up to speed, even when other people's feelings are involved. I'm supposed to just "know" already. Being late or slow isn't a good enough excuse.
I'm sorry to be so negative and spoiled. Even now, I feel the aching need to apologize for burdening people with my emotions. I just needed to get it out of me.
