What Lack I Yet? ...Lots

This has not been a good week. Or it has and I'm just being tested, depending on your perspective.

My time management went to heck by Thursday and I was starting to run behind on my school assignments. Having a nice chunk of money from the Pell Grant left over, and realizing that 1. working on Sundays was probably not, spiritually, a good plan and 2. That working at all was seriously taking a lot of time from school work, I came up with the ingenious plan to put in my two weeks and just start working again after the spring semester is over.

I know the Lord does not want me to do this because an hour after I finished a budget for the rest of the grant money that would enable me to live for the next 2-3 months...Angela comes home and tells me about some unfortunate circumstances relating to last months rent and some fees that we have to deal with. ...so, with everything so uncertain for the future, it would be highly irresponsible to quit my secure job right now. Included in my budget plan was the plan to go after a campus job, which I acknowledge would give me less(yet manageable) hours and severely reduce my cash flow, while still providing me with some. But with the job at SSI, I am making just enough to keep up financially as it is. No matter how you slice it, I cannot leave that job for a lesser pay right now.

So, that's made me feel overwhelmed and anxious over the last little while. The struggle to get everything done school-wise amidst this drama AND working on top of it, feeling like my options are extremely limited. But then I've been feeling rather low about my own capabilities as a servant of the Lord.

The last couple of Tuesdays when I've joined my fellow ward missionaries, my companion, Maeve and I, haven't been able to do much. The people we visit are not available and as we search for more work to be done, there isn't any. She and I stayed behind and talked last Tuesday and although it was nice to get to know Maeve better, I felt incredibly useless as everyone else returned and described an evening of service and fellowshipping. I got excited this Thursday when she and I were going to make an in the middle of the week visit but we struck out again as the person could not be found.

And I was asked to teach Gospel Principles today. I prepared for that this week, knowing it was likely I would be needed. But I do not feel like it went well. First, I ended 10 minutes early. Second, I included a reference to the Mike Myers movie, Cat in the Hat(it felt like a good idea when I was planning the lesson but standing there asking if anybody had seen it and mentioning the cupcakeinator, I felt like the Spirit probably left the room because of my foolishness; it wasn't a reverent movie and I shouldn't have brought it up). Third, I had everyone read Genesis chapter 1, to go through the process of the creation but it didn't connect or land well and Finally sometimes when people made comments, my mind went blank and I had nothing to respond to it with. No way to carry that forward in a discussion or validating people for their input.

I know that right now, I'm feeling particularly sensitive and stressed and that there is an element of unreasonableness about my criticisms. I know that the lesson wasn't about me and I pray, that with my immaturity and fumbling, that someone felt the Spirit impart something they needed. Because that is the true teacher and ultimately, I am merely supposed to be a vehicle for it to work and enter the room.

I also know this is a big fat pity party in here right now. The only reason I'm even spending this much time on detailing these trials and tribulations is because I have faith. It's one thing that has never left me, the understanding that my Father in Heaven loves me and He only wants what is best for me, even when I, personally, feel like life is being unfair or uncomfortable. I know that He is busy teaching me, that He wants to bring me closer to Him, and that through all of this...He believes I can overcome it and He is willing to help me if I ask Him.

I cannot see the end to these troubling, stressful times, but I post this in hopes that we can share, together, in something beautiful and faith-affirming, when further down the line, things happen and we can look back on these things and realize what it meant. When I can realize what I was being prepared for. I know that Jesus Christ lives and that He is my Savior and I am grateful for these challenges and opportunities to grow, to draw closer to Him as I learn to lean on and depend on him, even though I probably don't sound very grateful at the moment.

I am also extremely grateful to my roommate, Angela, and her strength and companionship during this time. And I am grateful for Maeve in giving me the opportunity to serve with her, and to teach a Sunday school lesson. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.