The Lease

So, I just moved into my very first apartment, which is a pretty big checkmark on my list of things to complete on my journey for independence. Apparently, the Lord is not done challenging me yet. The lease for my apartment is up for renewal in March and of course, I was planning on re-signing it. I want to give this place at least a year before I move again. Well, I found out last Saturday that both of my roommates will not be re-signing it with me. Angela for sure and Jessica maybe.

Within the lease, a tenant who is moving has the responsibility of filling their spot. Those who sign the "new" lease have the obligation of finding new tenants to sign the lease with them. Aka, me. You remember how stressed it made me trying to find someone to take that contract I didn't want? Yeah, that was my first reaction. My second was, "That's too much! I can't!" realizing, as I'd be the only one re-signing, I'd become the main and all of the utilities would be transferred to my name/control.

Not that I can't but that I never have before and it felt like a lot of responsibility to take on, not only to find 2 people to move in by March but taking over the utilities as well AND doing it all while I'm trying to finish my first semester of school(which is not happening right now but will be, come March). So, by Sunday morning, I was seriously considering NOT re-signing and just moving out with everybody else in March. Definitely not what I wanted to do and I was certainly feeling discontented, frustrated, and confused about it. There were a lot of prayers being said that morning because I simply didn't know what the right answer was.

In sacrament meeting, Nate gave a talk about depending on the Savior, citing the list of everything His Atonement covers in Alma 7. There were things in his talk that stood out to me, particularly how he started out talking about the pouty mood he can get in when facing trials, tribulations, or new changes. This rang true for me and what I was currently going through, so, he had my attention right from the start. Especially what he said after, that no matter what we go through, the one constant in our lives is the Savior.

He spoke about how we often hesitate to go to the Savior with our "small" problems because of this great thing that He did for us, we don't want to feel like a burden or it feels like these little insecurities and issues are too small to be worth His time. But one of the big points of this life is for us to learn how to trust in Jesus Christ completely and depend on Him. Nate also mentioned the passages in Matthew 11, where Christ talks about us taking His yoke upon us. Nate explained how we often think of a yoke as a harness on a beast of burden to pull a really heavy load. But in actuality, a yoke for oxen is usually something that is put on a pair of animals, not just one. So, when Christ tells us to put on His yoke, He's not telling us to do it alone or to carry our burdens and heavy load by ourselves. He is saying, "let me push with you; let me take that load with you."

In my journey for independence, I often feel like I have to do things alone. I mean...that's the whole point. And that may be true for my aunt and uncle, my cousins, my mom and dad, that being "on my own" means I shouldn't run to them for every little problem I have and instead rely on myself to make decisions. But I very frequently forget that this is not true for the Savior. My problem is exactly as Nate described: I hesitate to burden Christ with my issues because, you know, He's "busy" washing people clean of their sins. But His love for me extends beyond just needing to repent of things to get back onto the straight and narrow but also in dealing with the hardships that try to knock me OFF of that road.

I forget Brother Pyper's daughter's name and I think it is Brinlee. She also gave a talk that caught my attention, about the struggle to be perfect. Right away, she cited a feeling I'm familiar with, the putting off of important spiritual things because "I have time" and how staggering the difference is when she actually studies and commits her life to serving the Savior. This is the contrast I spoke of in my last couple of entries as I made the transition from laziness to diligent daily study and prayer, and I liked how Brinlee described this feeling as if she were "shining." I never visualized it that way but I know what she's talking about, how I feel...."awake." How I can hear with clarity, His words meant for me, how everywhere I look, suddenly, I see God's hand in everything. I know that He is always there and always involved, so, I know, in that time when I couldn't hear and couldn't feel Him, it was me that was "turned off."

I also liked the perspective Brinlee brought when she spoke of the hope she feels knowing that there's room for improvement in herself and her life. That the knowledge of eternal progression and moving forward made her feel more hopeful for the future than the times when she thinks she's got a handle on things. Because I know that feeling too, what it is like not to progress, not to move forward, to be standing still with no prospect for the future or any growth to go through. The desire for life ends at that point, because all life is about learning and growing and constantly sharing that with others and growing and learning from them.

Brinlee spoke of how frustrated and discouraged beginning musicians can get when they first start out on an instrument and they can't make the beautiful music they hear other, more experienced musicians play. She said that they learn early on that there is no such thing as a "perfect" performance and how there is always room for improvement and how they keep practicing all of their lives and still never reach perfection, that there's always something new to learn and evolve.

I didn't see how perfectly these messages fit for me until reviewing my notes this past week, which makes me grateful that I take notes during sacrament meeting. So, even with these clear impressions from Heavenly Father, I went to my aunt and uncle's house that evening, for the gift exchange/Christmas party, still with the idea that I'd be moving in March. Thankfully, my cousins and aunt, people who love me, were able to convince me to reconsider these moving plans. It's not that big of a deal and it's not that big of a burden to take on, honestly. The bigger burden would be trying to find a better deal than what I have right now and then still needing to find new roommates in a new place because this is frigging Rexburg and people are moving in and moving out constantly.

For now, my plan is to stay and become the main on the apartment account, to take Heavenly Father's challenge less as a trial and more as an endorsement...that He believes I can do it. Starting this January, I will be looking for new roommate(s) and knowing that my family support me and the Lord supports me, I'm excited and looking forward to these new experiences and opportunities to grow.