Forgiveness and Love

I’ve been gathering my thoughts about this for the past 2 weeks, so, I’ve got a lot on my mind about this particular subject. I am the kind of person who is very easily put into a defensive position, so forgiving others for hurting me is often difficult. This has been a subject that has been following me since I started going back to church because the entire event that was the reason I felt prompted was because of some people hurting and threatening me and my family. My whole desire in coming back is an ultimate surrender and deep acknowledgment that I cannot do this without the Lord – not just this particular trial but everything, good and bad, including my success with my art.

I long to feel the Spirit with me always. Stories people share of feeling the promptings of the spirit when their life could have been in danger; I want that. Stories of people feeling the soothing comfort of the spirit in times of distress; I want that. Stories of people showing up at the right time because a friend was in need; I want that, both to be the friend and the person showing up. My entries previously have been about me progressively realizing the changes I have needed to make in my life in order to make this possible. Because the spirit is not with me when I’m running from the police while playing GTA with my brother. The spirit is not with me when I watch a horror movie or a sex scene in some drama show. …And it is definitely not with me when I feel anger in my heart towards my enemies.

This current trial has made me angry and I react with thoughts of fear, occupying my personal time and private thoughts rehearsing arguments with the people involved because actually arguing is not possible or conducive. I nudged the edge of the envelope last entry about this, “Gaining an Eternal Perspective.” Realizing the impermanence of our life here has really helped me make strides in alleviating this fear of future hurts and trust in the Lord completely. It has also helped me give up the things I shouldn’t be doing a lot easier and it has helped me find motivation to work on my goals. But there is still anger in my heart towards those who have caused us such turmoil.

I’ve been trying to work towards forgiveness and I cannot help but feel like each realization I come to leads into another, like the personal and the interpersonal are linked. Here I am…trying to repent of my own sins committed while I was away, struggling to feel the Lord with me to truly feel it when I have been forgiven. And at the very same time, I’m striving to view my enemies as children of God, to see them the way He sees them, to forgive them in my heart and let go of the strife I feel towards them. It feels like the opening of my eyes to one leads to my eyes being opened to the other.

This too reminds me of Debbie Ford’s book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, and the way that projections work. You get after your brother because he’s lazy and you get so mad at him because he’s lazy, only to realize that there are times when you are lazy that you have been justifying and feeling guilty about. One of the ways to heal these hurts and the demands we make of ourselves is to view ourselves as the children we all once were. Listening to your harsh self-talk, how you internally criticize yourself, would you ever talk to a child in that way? It can actually break your heart a little bit when you write down or record yourself talking down to yourself for failing in some way and then imagine the face of a small child, even a younger you, if that was said to them. Once we are able to release these hurtful standards and approach ourselves with love and compassion, when we then turn to other people, we feel empathy for them as well.

It brings me back to the realizations I had earlier last month about the Light the World initiative, the way that service is an integral part of serving Jesus Christ. Another thing I’ve always taken for granted in the church is how love is the centerpiece. Love for ourselves and love for each other because we’re all children of a loving Heavenly Father. Even the Atonement was about Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father’s love for us. Those who are hurting me are just as loved by Heavenly Father as I am. I remember how I felt, lost and alone, trying to make it under my own willpower, how unhappy I would get. When things were bad, there was nothing ever to be glad about. How must it be for people so caught up in desires that are harmful towards other people? How lost do they feel relying on only what they have inside? Who do they turn to when they hit empty and have put all they can into a situation?

What could love do? Because of my tendency towards anxious thoughts, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep, I’ve started listening to General Conference streams on Youtube. They go for a little over an hour usually and the songs and talks are a soothing enough tempo that it can lull me to sleep, but they’re uplifting and engaging enough that my mind cannot wander into negative territory while I listen to them. The only bad thing is, I remember the beginnings of all of the general conferences I’ve listened to but I cannot remember any of the endings, lol! Listening to one of these from the past 2 years, I forget the talk and the authority who gave it but he told a funny story about a woman who came to him for counsel about her husband who was a non-member but attended church with her for 12 years. The general authority told her to practice patience and kindness. She sent him a letter and told him, “Well, I’ve been practicing patience for 12 years, so, I tried real hard for a whole month to practice kindness and my husband got baptized.” Then six months/years later, she sent him another letter to let him know her husband had just been sustained as the bishop of their ward.

I believe in the wisdom of being wary of those who would take advantage of my kindness…but I wholeheartedly believe in the power of love to move the earth. I know that this is what I have been steadily moving towards, not just a love and forgiveness of myself but to more readily open my heart with love for those around me, even when they do things that are hurtful. I hope to continue to make strides towards amends and easing the contention that has been plaguing our family.