Gaining an Eternal Perspective

My New Year did not start on a high note. Our family has been struggling with something incredibly hard for the past 4 months, put under emotional and spiritual attack. I categorize these last few months as establishing a cycle of days and sometimes weeks of peace and contentment that are intermittently punctuated by a “dramatic event” causing an upset of anxiety and turmoil in reaction to an overt threat. Every single time we’ve had a dramatic event occur, I’ve come to new realizations and perspective shifts, and in fact the dramatic event that started this cycle is the catalyst for my return to attending church. I don’t want to attack anybody or for anyone to feel attacked and I want to protect those in this vulnerable situation as much as possible. I’d like to share my latest realizations while being as vague as possible about what happened because it is not the events themselves that are important.

After a week of peace, a dramatic event occurred yesterday that left me affected long after it was over. I have been doing well this month trying to establish for myself some long term and short term goals for the next five years, right down to a daily routine list that includes morning and evening scripture study and prayer. So far, I’ve been doing alright keeping up with it but I still watch my shows and my movies with no regard for rating and content. I find myself highly conscious of these lapses in the spirit and I know, nobody’s perfect and we sometimes sin or expose ourselves to things that are not inviting to the spirit. But I find it hard to excuse myself when this lapse is not because of forgetfulness or ignorance but done out of willfulness and an acknowledgement at the time of “what I would prefer to do right now.” I still have one foot out the door.

I know, it might come across as me being extremely hard on myself but even as I explain this, I defend this mindset with the scriptures 1 Nephi 16:2 and 2 Nephi 9:40:

 (1 Nephi 16:2) And it came to pass that I said unto them that I knew that I had spoken hard things against the wicked, according to the truth; and the righteous have I justified, and testified that they should be lifted up at the last day; wherefore, the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center.

(2 Nephi 9:40) O, my beloved brethren, give ear to my words. Remember the greatness of the Holy One of Israel. Do not say that I have spoken hard things against you; for if ye do, ye will revile against the truth; for I have spoken the words of your Maker. I know that the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken.

These are clearest in my mind because my young siblings and I have just read these in our nightly scripture study. And it is reminiscent of a couple of the lessons that have been taught to me lately that put in perspective following the commandments as “hard” or “restrictive” for those who view sin as “freedom.” So, it is with that mindset that I come at this particular “game” of sin that I play, knowing as I go looking for a movie to watch in the evening what I am supposed to be doing but forcing an air in myself of “not caring.” It is not a “hard” or restrictive demand that has been put upon me when it is for my ultimate benefit and health, especially when I acknowledge at the time, "Yeah, I know what is healthy for me but here's what I want to do instead."

Back to this event and my realization about it, I was on my knees a lot yesterday pleading for freedom from these burdens that plague us and safety for my family. My prayers in this greatly emotional state were flip flopping between passionately pleading with Him and weakly promising that no matter what does actually happen, I understand it’s His will and I will never abandon Him again. I can understand His perspective, His need of more from me because it almost sounds vaguely threatening/conditional the way I put it. And yet time and time again, after the prayers are done, I sit down to watch my big screen movies knowing and acknowledging as I hit play that He would be disappointed in this sort of thing occupying my mind. Or singing blissfully to Ke$ha or Katy Perry, while painting, songs about how great it is to live as if you’re going to die young(worldly) or how funny it is to get so drunk on a Friday night that you can’t remember half of what happened to you, thinking how I’d be ashamed to play these songs for my cousins, aunt Wendy and uncle Dave’s girls.

In talking with my mother this morning on the way to church, I shared with her my fears, that this escalation of violence and contention directly affecting us was leading to an ultimate sacrifice. One of the first lessons when I came back to Relief Society, I forget what the topic was but the story stuck with me, of a woman who’s child had been mortally wounded in some way. The boy needed to be transported via helicopter to a different hospital to deal with his injuries and as the mother rode with the boy in her arms, knowing from her medical experience that the EMTs were not talking positively about the boy’s condition, the helicopter flew over either one or several temples in her city. As she looked down upon them, a peace came over her, knowing that the view of these buildings was Heavenly Father letting her know that no matter happened, everything would be alright. Their family was sealed in the temple and whether the boy lived or died, she knew she would see him again and that this life is a temporary state. It gave her the peace and comfort she needed in that moment to trust Heavenly Father.

I remember thinking at the time, “I wonder if I could be strong enough to view a terrible tragedy that happens to me, in such a way.” I expressed to my mother my building anxiety that by giving me that lesson early on in my return and the escalation of violence surrounding us, that He was letting me know I would be put in a similar situation to be able to make such a choice to view it like that.

As I left the car and walked into the church building this morning, it suddenly occurred to me that it was not necessary for bad things to happen for me to reach these perspective changes. I was reminded of Debbie Ford’s book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, and how very often, when we apply more control over a situation or person, coming from a place of fear, self-loathing, or insecurity, it has the opposite effect. I think we’ve all experienced that at one time or another, an overcompensation for a personal anxiety leading to a destructive controlling grip on whatever we fear losing and ending up tearing it apart or pushing them away. I realized then what my crying prayers were actually about, whether I said “your will be done” or not, I was trying to control the way things occur out of fear of losing things and people that are precious to me.

As I sat in the empty chapel listening to the music, I started to mentally explore the reality of things being impermanent. One of the kids could die tonight. My mother could die tomorrow and she would be gone from my life. The house could burn down and all of my books, old artwork, my memories, photographs, everything could be destroyed tomorrow. I could die at any moment. All my hopes and dreams, my aspirations and my fighting to keep everyone safe by the power of prayer and sheer willpower would be put to an abrupt end. I could lose it all.

I know that’s a little morbid but a sense of peace came over me as I loosened this anxious, frantic grip on all of these things, realizing that it changed nothing about the way I felt towards my Heavenly Father. I would be extremely sad and I absolutely do not wish for any of these things to happen but I was able to come to a place emotionally where I realized how limited my time here actually is and how I haven’t been all that serious about the changes I want to be making. Not truly.

Then as sacrament meeting was underway, I listened to the talks and felt Heavenly Father talking directly to me through the speakers. My brother Ben gave a talk about agency, talking directly about the eternal perspective I had just nudged open the envelope of. Another young man gave a talk about setting goals, being realistic about them, making strides to achieve them, and yet not comparing ourselves to other people’s journeys. Then a sister gave a talk about both those things, marrying the concepts of what we’re here to do and the idea of resolutions, promises, and keeping covenants and how Heavenly Father views them, that He wants us to succeed and excel. Then finally, another brother bore his testimony, sharing a story about an event that happened to him, using it as an allegory for the message of “sometimes it is okay to slow down when pursuing our goals so that we don’t stop completely or burn ourselves out.”

Altogether, I took this to be a wake-up call how my perspective has mostly been focusing on my art business and my goals have been geared a lot towards gaining notoriety and money through my gifts, so that I can provide financial security for my family. And yet I still knowingly ignore Him and my own discomfort to watch several episodes of Family Guy while "relaxing." He’s not asking for 100% right now, just snap my fingers and I am doing all the right things, sprinting into a wall towards perfection. But it is an encouragement that me mentally acknowledging something is wrong and doing it anyway doesn’t fit the criteria of “trying” especially when right at that moment I am being spiritually reminded and being made aware of what His will is. It is one thing to lash out in anger at someone and realize later that you did not handle the situation with a Christ-like attitude. It is one thing to watch a movie, unaware of content, but being so into it, you forget to check yourself when something inappropriate comes up. It is quite another to justify watching it because “I’m trying in these other areas so the lapse in this one area is okay.”

I talked a bit before about wanting to go back to the temple, to hold callings, to feel moved by the spirit and connected with my Heavenly Father. I feel promptings when I try really hard but they are few and far between and it is because I keep knowingly doing things that do not invite His spirit to dwell with me. So, in conclusion, I know that these trials were put before me to make me stronger, to further my spiritual growth and help make me aware of the things that I am doing to harm my advancement. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, that the things that happen are temporary in this life, that trusting in Him completely comes with the understanding of our eternal purpose. I know that all I need to do is give 100% effort and constantly move forward and actively strive for perfection, even if I fail sometimes.