Things have been going well, my friends. I have a job, I work 30+ hours each week and I'm doing well at achieving the milestones that make me eligible for bonuses. Plus, it's easy and it is something that I like to do. I also walk 2 miles to work and 2 miles home every day of the week, so, I'm losing weight quickly. I've lost 25 lbs. since I've been in Rexburg. But not all is well.
I'm haunted by a shadow, call it depression or insecurity or stress; whatever. It whispers in my ear how no matter what I do, "I'm not good enough." And I am obsessed with being a burden. Every day, I am crushed by the weight of knowing other take care of me, that every minute of my day is a progress report on whether my burden is heavy or light for them, depending on whether my achievements are worthy or not. And every day I feel like I max it out. Every time the Lord tells me to wait, to trust in Him, to just take pleasure in the small victories, I am tearing at my own skin because the scale has gone too high. While we're all waiting, I see myself as idle and I panic. I feel like I'm not supposed to be happy, that enjoying myself, being proud of myself at work, it's not "taking this seriously enough."
I don't mind doing my part. I don't mind being given things to do. I just hate feeling like anytime I accomplish anything, someone has to turn around and flippantly say, "Yeah, that's great. But you haven't even started on this over here and here's this thing you've been slacking on." The funny thing is, I don't even get that conversation. I get it in looks or passive aggressive comments and I feel like I'm back in my mother's house being manipulated by subtlety because I don't deserve an actual face-to-face. No, I guess everyone would prefer that I assume what the conversation is and beat myself up about it. Which I am all too willing to do! Gladly! I get it: I'm lazy. I'm spoiled. I'm ungrateful. It's okay, leave it up to me; I'll grind those flaws out.
I'm having a hard time feeling like this is worth it. Like any of it will amount to anything in the end. What am I doing going to school for art anyway? Nobody will think it's worth anything if it's not a viable career...and it's not. There's not enough talent in me for that. It's taken a lot of pep talking this weekend and a lot of scripture reading to remember who I am because for the most part, I feel like this growing thing isn't going well because I'm just not fast enough. I don't walk fast enough to keep up with other people. I am not present for those heart-to-heart conversations so its not worth it to bring me up to speed, even when other people's feelings are involved. I'm supposed to just "know" already. Being late or slow isn't a good enough excuse.
I'm sorry to be so negative and spoiled. Even now, I feel the aching need to apologize for burdening people with my emotions. I just needed to get it out of me.
Some thoughts on depression
ReplyDeleteNever forget that you are loved and you matter to God
That first and foremost said there are a few things I have learn and it is my hope that by sharing them with you it will help me apply them better in my life also.
I’d like to share with you a few thoughts from 1st Nephi around Lehi statement “I know that I am a visionary man, if I had not seen the things of God in vision, I would of not known the goodness of God.”
One of my favourite scriptures is in proverbs 29:18
“Where there is no vision the people perish, but happy is he who keepeth the law.”
In another translation it states “Where there is no vision {redemptive revelation} the people cast off restraint, but blessed is the one who follows wisdoms instructions.
I would like you to consider a few lessons from Lehi and Nephi life and she if they might be things you can incorporate into your own.
Firstly Nephi reflect on his heritage and the instruction he received while he was young he states “Having a great knowledge of the goodness and mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.
What I believe he is saying is this I have seen the goodness of God in the actions of my parents and I have received a revelation which is true and I am going to write it done and continue to write throughout my life.
I believe what Nephi then explains to us about the experiences of his father help us better understand this principle;
There came many prophets into the land calling on the people to repent.
Notice what Lehi does he went and prayed unto the Lord with all his heart in behalf of his people.
If you were able to paint a picture of that what would you paint, what greater expression of love is there than someone who prays on behalf of the people the picture that comes to my mind is a picture of the saviour offering the great intercessory prayer or the garden of gethsemane.
Praying for others will expand your ability to love and true love casteth out all fear and anxiety and buildeth hope and peace.
I often read the NRSV bible when studying the NT and it is free online:
ReplyDeleteIn 1 Peter: 5 Tending to the folk he says:
7 Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. 8 Discipline yourselves, keep alert.[d] Like a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, steadfast in your faith, for you know that your brothers and sisters[e] in all the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. 10 And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.
I love this because it teaches me several things to cast all my anxiety on him all my insecurity all my vulnerability all my weakness all my sin.
It teaches me to disciple myself by keeping alert choosing to be mentally aware of what is happening and limiting the time I spend daydreaming and choosing to be accountable, resisting Satan because of the faith that I have in Christ f my faith is not strong enough on any particular day I do as the Lord commanded Oliver Cowdery and Cast your mind back to when you received a witness of these thing, did I not speak peace to your mind regarding this matter, what greater witness can you have than from God.
Our testimony of the Living reality of a loving God is the springboard to our exercising greater faith in him
Understanding you are not alone but your brothers and sister in all the world are undergoing suffering the same kind, but the God of love has called you to his glory in Christ means you are one of his children and he will restore that which was lost and restore to it’s original beauty, he will support you, strengthen you, establish you.
I am so happy for you, I love your faith in Christ I love your honesty, I know you can do all things in Christ, do not weary in well doing, meet with your bishop, home teachers, visiting teachers and singles regularly learn their names pray for them your association with the priesthood through the organization of the church will help to provide you with hope comfort and blessings
I will try and get back later tonight to finish…..
Yet again, I thank you for your insight and intuitiveness. I will take this advice to heart and apply it in my life. The struggle is daily now, where I'm not sure how to cope with the new stresses and challenges. But it is good to be reminded of who I am and who Christ is to me. I will take these words in my heart. Thank you.
DeleteYou have a spiritual maturity and awareness that makes me smile. so many people get hung up in secular questions regarding who Jesus is and what did he mean by this or that and what is religion.
DeleteBut you understand the gospel perfectly the gospel is about who you are and more importantly who we can become in Christ
Neal A Maxwell in his book Not Withstanding My Weakness writes.
ReplyDelete"You are headed in the write direction, you are doing better than you know: Look back just for a moment see how far you have come: Do you see those distant lights, for they are the lights of the city of God, Do not weary or let the adversary deflect you now."
I wish there was more I could do to help you, I wish for so many people I could make so much of the hurt in this world disappear, but all I have to offer is my testimony that God lives and loves us as imperfect and broken as we are as an addict he carries me across the finish line day after day his love and concern never runs out and just because I sin or fail in some way one day doesn't make him love me anyless or anymore than he loves me now.
Have you thought of getting help through ldsfamilyservices I am sure your bishop would be able to help you get some professional counselling and you could talk to someone. if you need someone to talk to and you would like my number at some point just ask.
depression is an illness and if it is not treated it can hinder and consume your life.
you have to much to offer this world to worry about carrying unnecessary burdens.
Amanda, maybe you should have your blood levels checked for absent hormones?? vitamins etc. I was feeling this way all winter , granted in different aspects from yours since our lives are different and past experiences are somewhat different..but you have been dieting a lot and exercising a lot and that can cause changes in your bio chemical make up PLUS you made BIG changes in moving so it does take a toll. They did my blood levels and found I was absolutely almost completely devoid of vitamin D........am now taking 50, 000 units a week for 8 weeks and then dropping down to 2,000 a week after that with over the counter Vitamin D. Previously to all that she had me on 50,000 units every two weeks but it didn't work so now I have to take 50,000 units once a week. I am feeling ALOT better. All winter long I sat on the couch on cried. About EVERTHING!!! Not knowing or understanding what the heck was the matter with me Lols! No energy zilch. So you should definitely have your blood levels checked for everything. Lots of times that is the problem , not you. Love you honey! Take care of yourself!!! ♥♥♥♥
ReplyDeleteExcuse me I need to correct that it drops down to 2,000 units a day not a week. I also just found some research done where they think Vitamin D has a underlying connection to SAD ( seasonal affective disorder) where in the winter time your D levels are so low and you are not getting enough sunshine.
ReplyDelete