"Be A Little Patient."

I got the plan written down. Here I am now in Idaho, the thing I've been antsing my pants about since April, the thing that would enable me to get to the action part of my life. The gun has fired and I've shot from the starting block. I'll give you the outline I wrote out on planning paper.

Week One

• Talk to campus - questions about track and classes, request fall track
• Set up bank account
• Fill out job applications
• Talk to DMV - learner's permit
• Find ward to go to and get records transferred
• Introduce self to Bishop and RS Pres.
• Pay tithing

Month One

• Job interviews
• Sign up for financial aid
• Befriend people at church 

Month 1-3

• Buy school supplies - books, art supplies, etc.
• Find people who need service/who do service
• Driver's test before July 31
• Get a church calling(maybe)

Month Six

• Get an apartment before January

Year One

• Between Jan-July 2018 get a car of my own

I know, really ambitious but I think I can do it. It seems a little daunting because it's a bunch of stuff I've never done before but on the face of it, it doesn't seem that hard to me. Besides, I'm expecting one change to bring on new mindsets and attitudes about the world, like an ease and familiarity with independence. Like a snowball effect.

So, this weekend, Aunt Wendy and I picked up an application for Broulim's and I filled out an application for Albertson's. Good start on that and I've looked up and organized different prospective businesses I want to apply to and which apps are already online. Then yesterday, I took a walk to campus to ask about my track. I stopped by the Hinkley building first but there was no desk and there were classrooms with people in them. But there was a girl sitting on a couch right there so I explained the situation and asked where I needed to be. Her name was Hannah and she was nice enough to escort me to the classes office(? not sure what it was but I think they talk to you about your classes and schedule). When we got within eyesight of it, I thanked her and we parted ways, so I confidently strolled into the office and asked about my track assignment.

They said I needed to go to the Kimball building, which is admissions, to get my track assignment. I asked if I could at least talk to someone about the courses I wanted to take and she told me they needed to know what track I'm on to know the schedule and stuff(makes sense). She also said they did not even have a schedule for the winter track laid out yet. So she directed me outside and down the sidewalk, straight ahead, and the Kimball building would be a brick building. I get out there and there and of course, there are a couple of brick buildings in front of me. So I head towards one and stop a young lady named Sydney for directions. She offered to walk with me a little bit too and escorted me to within eyesight of the Kimball building.

I get in there, find my way to the office I need to go to and I talk to one girl at the desk and get pushed off to the girl sitting at the desk beside her. Talking to her, she looks up my account and tells me they haven't assigned my track yet. Yes. I know. She tells me that they're still deliberating over it and that I "need to be a little patient." Once I get my assignment in an email, then "we'll go from there." I asked if I could request the fall track and she told me they don't allow track requests, so, I assume what everyone is telling me about my ability to possibly still get into the fall track is something that could happen only after I have my official assignment. But then she tells me that the fall track hasn't even started yet so the "deliberating" may take longer than usual because I signed up for the winter track; it seemed like a kind of "back burner" phrasing to me, which is worrisome because I don't want September to roll around and to THEN finally get my track assignment, way past my ability to go for the earlier track.

Deflated, I left the office and sat outside on the bench for a few minutes to catch my breath before heading back home. I don't know. This just really upset me a lot. Aunt Wendy and I have been walking every morning since we got here but still, it was a mile to the temple and then probably a mile more that I walked all over campus to the different buildings. And I just wanted to get started. I want to get into the track I want and I want to get started on homework and get through the remedial crap so that I can do the stuff that is important to me. "Be a little patient," she said. Pffft.

I get home and aunt Wendy and uncle Dave get home a couple hours later from furniture shopping bringing papers from the DMV. Awesome! Check two down on the list! She brings me a booklet and it looks like I'll need to take another written test, this time, 40 questions with only 6 possible wrong answers in order to pass. So, I need to study the booklet a lot before taking it...and yet I have yet to find a time to pick up the booklet. We've been going and going and I feel exhausted all of the time. I go to bed at 10 and wake up with the sun at 6(which is really nice actually) but it just feels like I'm losing hours, yet the hours I'm awake, I'm tired. So, I'm not going to be taking that test this week. Plus, the driver's license test has specific things they'll need me to do, almost all things I've never done before so...I don't know if I will be able to take the test and pass it by the end of this month, especially if the first week is already shot for practice time because I don't have a permit. I guess...I have to be a little patient?

Then I started to think about a job, worrying about transportation. I will need to be dependent upon rides from my aunt and uncle or anyone else for a little bit until I pass that driver's test because there is no way, at least not without a month of working up to it, that I'll be able to walk to town. The campus is right before the stores on the 2nd Est main street or whatever and I was sweating like a pig and in need of a nap just walking to the campus yesterday. I thought about getting a bike but I want to save some of the money I have for the driving stuff. So, I'm taking a little bit of a step backwards, being carted around like a teenager, dropped off at places until the driving situation can improve. It would seem that I need to be a little patient. Hm.

We're having trouble using the meetinghouse locator to find a single adult ward for me to go to. There doesn't seem to be one in Rexburg, only young single adult, which I won't bother to go to because I'll be 30 in August. Then I started to think that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to require a separate, special ride to drop me off at a different building(or different time) right now. Besides...I'm not actively looking for dates right now. I just got here, I'm trying to get all this other stuff in order; I don't really want to be worrying about that right now, even if I will be 30 soon and feel the ticking clock on the family that I'd still like to have someday. Mormon Boy is just not a song I'm singing right now. *sigh* I just have to be a little patient.

Then the holiday hits us and I woke up this morning accepting that I just wasn't going to get anything productive done today. Even in the time between all of the social stuff we were being shuffled to and fro, I'm so achey and tired, I'm not in the right mindset for studying right now. I wish I could utilize every minute of my every day but I just can't.

First was the fun run with the Hansen's ward(and probably mine) early this morning. Aunt Wendy convinced me to try the 5k, even though I still feel like I'm dying on the last hill of our mile morning walks. I got about a mile in on the route, walking with Wendy and another woman from the ward, Norma, but my shins were aching with a sharp stabbing pain with every step. So, I called it quits early and went back to the church at the first available turnoff. I felt somewhat ashamed for quitting but as my shins continued to ache all the way to the church, I surmised that there was no possible way I could have gone for the next 2 miles without possibly hurting myself. It was supposed to be a fun activity anyway, why kill myself over it?

Even still, as I stood alone for the longest time, watching better runners, more fit people cross the finish line one after another, I couldn't help feeling a little insecure. I didn't really talk to anybody then...not really sure how to relate to anyone who finished and not really sure what else to talk about with them right immediately after they had successfully completed the thing. Sitting down was a bit better as more people arrived and the run was reaching its completion, as I befriended a woman named Terra. That was really nice, although, I feel out of my element and like sometimes I'm not quite sure what to do with the information to the questions I ask about people. Like the real stuff about who they are, what they do, their families and stuff; it is hard for me to relate. I would prefer to ask about their favorite tv shows and books but...being a newly returned member and in a highly mormon dense area, I'm worried my exposure will be more than theirs.

Still, I kept trying, befriending a couple in line for the breakfast they had right after the run and we talked for a long time...but I don't remember their names. When I wasn't stuck worrying about myself, there were small things I noticed that I appreciated. The jokes between a couple of the young men who finished the run somewhat spaced apart. The little baby boy of the couple I stood in line with who got fussy but then was placated when his dad brought him a piece of pancake to munch on. The great, spiritually uplifting talk by the veteran member who showed up in uniform and was asked to speak. Terra and her visiting family slowly pushing me off the bench as they gathered for a photo and kept adding more and more to their ranks.

Then we went to the parade in town meeting up with my cousin, Coleman, and his wife, Britney and her mom, where they'd saved seats for us. I loved the parade! Sitting in the heat was awful, my skin felt like it was frying by the end of it(why, oh, why did I put on the low-swooping V-neck shirt right after the breakfast and fun run? I'm wearing a bright peach T now and the color of my chest makes it almost look like I'm wearing a turtle-neck shirt). My sunglasses did not help my vision since the sun wanted to pierce the gap right between glasses and eyebrows, so, I had to hold my hand over my brow to shade and kept switching hands because my arm was getting tired.

Despite those two complaints, it was great! I was in the moment, completely and totally at ease, watching the slow crawl of different vehicles, everything from regular vans with ads on the sides, to pretty oldies and military vehicles. Watching horses come trotting by, their riders bedazzled and sparkled, dressed like the fanciest cowboys and cowgirls. Some folks even stood on the saddles! Herds of cheerleaders that would stop nearby to flip or jump or do a quick routine. Music bands of different kinds, some with drums, some playing Caribbean-esque music, some playing bagpipes. Veterans coming by on scooters, walking with flags, or riding on floats and the burst of pride and patriotism that flew in my heart when everyone would stand and clap for them as they passed. Making note of all the names and businesses on the floats and vehicles that passed by, the people that got involved and the effort that I imagined went into each individual enterprise coming up with a "presentation" for the parade and how to decorate their little cars and floats. I also thought about the dedication of the day, for our veterans and the independence of this great nation, how everyone was celebrating this thing together.

I was especially entertained by my littlest cousin standing with the gaggle of kids just off the curb with their bags, waiting for the candy that got thrown by 1 out of every 3 cars/floats. Lindsey, a friend of the family's and daughter of Wendy's best friend from Susquehanna, stood beside her and helped her gather the little pieces that fell to the ground close by. It was just so much fun the times my cousin and Lindsey actually caught the things tossed out, like Popsicles and a water bottle. Lindsey even got a rain of little candies thrown over her at one point! Ack! XP I could have watched things go by in the parade all day.

After that, we went to Britney's mother's house and had lunch with her family and Coleman and Mead. Sitting in the back yard watching the boys play ball and listening idly to conversation, I was less worried now about being involved or having something to say. Then we watched a couple people play a round of Kubb before we all joined in and played it together. Even frying in the sun as I was and with my shy nature, especially when it comes to turn based play, I felt at ease, relaxed and had a great time. I was disappointed when we had to forego the mentioned third round and went home after dessert instead.

It wasn't until 8:30 when we all headed over to a neighbor's house for fireworks. I do not even know their name; names are hard for me and I really need an indepth conversation for imprinting. While it was still light, they shot candy out of a small cannon, the kids so adorable as they ran around in sandals and bathing suits to retrieve candy and put it with their moms or siblings, only to go running back down the street to await the next firing of the cannon.As it got darker, we settled into the backyard with our chairs along with other families that arrived over time. Peace and warmth flowed into me to watch the sun set over the valley, seeing the farmlands and lights and streets of the city below, red and purple in the sky, flahsing bright as the sun slowly made its descent.

Songs about America played on a radio nearby as kids played with sparklers, lighting them in the fire pit. And oh boy, the discovery that when they pressed the sticks together, they could light more than one spark on the same stick. This became a much repeated fascination as they got rid of old used sticks and lit new ones, boys urging each other, "Double me!" There was some conversation from a couple people but I didn't focus on it or worry too much about it, just letting the simple introductions lie. The wind picked up and so long as the sun remained in the sky, it was warm. As soon as it vanished into nothing but backlit clouds though, the chill came with it. How could I have been so hot as to be practically melting during the day, only to be here, shivering by the light of tiki torches and fairy lights?

Then the fireworks started and for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed them. The explosions went off with loud bangs and pops, then colors sprouting wings right above our heads, so close, Lindsey and I occasionally got scared that some of the fixtures in the yard might catch fire. Lindsey was a joy, a great new friend I have made, so full of light and bubbly energy; she's someone I admire for being so unabashedly free to be herself and I hope that my achievements in Rexburg will enable me to find some of that freedom and bubbly spirit too. She sang along to songs that came on the radio as we ate short cake and Reese's cups. A woman with long hair and a simple blue dress handed out glow sticks and glow necklaces and bracelets of red, white and blue to the kids once the sun went down. The boys chased each other around the yard, vague blurs of patriotic lights in the twilight, one boy singing along to Lee Greenwood's "I'm Proud to Be An American" saying "I love this land!" just as he ran past us.

Even though I didn't know barely anybody there, it was so wonderful being at the party tonight. I felt so close to everyone there, like all these people could be family as we ate together and sat together.

I think this is part of being patient. Honestly, I need to take more care and understand I'm not the only one starting out fresh here. Sometimes I think I'm not sensitive enough to the needs of others but I so desperately do not want to be seen as idle or seem ungrateful. Plus, despite it being on my list, "making friends" and "doing service" aren't really things to put on a checklist. There's stuff that comes between the work, these small moments, the nitty gritty of learning and building relationships. Things that I suppose will be just as crucial to developing that attitude and independence as getting to go to classes and learning to drive will. As I walked home from the campus yesterday, I felt upset. I was a little snooty with Heavenly Father in prayer, thinking "What?! I'm here now! Why isn't this working like it's supposed to?" And again came to mind the words from the girl behind the desk, "Be a little patient. It is okay to be a little patient." I don't know why these roadblocks are here and I will still take every opportunity that comes my way, I will still say "Yes" to things. But in achieving these goals I cannot forget what I am here to do. Because it's not like there's a place I'll get to and be like, "Okay, I'm done." The goal is to be a person, a functional adult and that is built upon a day-to-day appreciation of these gifts, these moments.

I trusted Him enough to know what is best for me to bring me out here. I can trust He knows what He's doing when I do everything I can do, I'm active about it, and I still get told to wait.