Confidence in Christ

So, I just finished Stephen E. Robinson’s book Believing Christ and I would sincerely recommend this to everyone. Even if you think you got the Atonement under your belt and understand Christ pretty well, just go ahead and give it a read. I guarantee your relationship with the Savior will be strengthened by the time you are done.

I had another epiphany while reading the last chapters tonight, particularly Chapter 5 where he talks about a lot of times people look for a confirmation, to feel when they have been forgiven. Exactly the thing that went through my head while going through this repentance process. Countering that doubt, Robinson brings up how we have to believe in Christ, believe it is done, before it will be. Faith comes before miraculous works and for all my spiritual experiences so far, I’m surprised that this too did not occur to me. I never said prayers or walked into situations expecting amazing things to happen but knowing that Heavenly Father would answer my prayers when He felt I was ready. And stuff did happen!

For instance, just this past weekend, I said a prayer about getting over my illnesses and flippantly groaned about how I just wanted to feel better so that I could get back to my art. I say ‘flippantly’ because in my mind, I mentioned it as something I would eventually get back to, mildly complaining because of my eagerness and sense of stagnation. The next day, I saw a flyer on Facebook for a Book of Mormon art competition and shared it as something I’m interested in pursuing. The next day, I was talking to someone on MormonHub and they found out I was an artist and suggested that I contact this other woman who was looking for some Christian art to put on her wall. Later that night, someone else commissioned me for a sketch. I was left crying and laughing, grateful for my Heavenly Father’s consideration of my desires, even if at the time I was not asking Him in a serious tone. And my expectation was only for me to get well, which I have been, not for all of this other stuff to plop into my lap! So, if I understood the way faith related to my prayers being answered, why not for my being forgiven for things I have repented of?

It also popped into my head how I often fit into the same mold I occupied before, back when I was young and naïve. There’s an eagerness in me to learn of course but also for approval from others. I lean heavily on those around me for an acknowledgment of when I have done right or made exceptional progress, with a bright eyed innocence and immature excitement. One of the reasons for this is because I feel so flawed compared to others in the gospel that I cannot help but put them onto a pedestal. Even my younger cousins intimidate me and I look to them to set examples for me because of how spiritually strong I perceive them to be. Another reason is because of where I perceive them in relation to myself, I’m looking for a constant validation that I am on the right path that what I am doing is enough. Because I don’t personally believe that it is.

This guilt I have for things I have done in the past is not just wrong because of how it colors my relationship with my Savior but also with how I view myself. It is almost like I have no confidence in my ability to stand as a credible witness for Him. “Oh no, please don’t call on me to bear my testimony; don’t call on me to teach a class. I’m still just this fledgling member, you see, and my knowledge is so limited.” This could be what He’s been waiting for, a realization of my lack of confidence in my own testimony. Because I have learned a lot and I have made a lot of progress! It’s only been 5 months! Realizing what a turn my life has taken, how much I have changed, if I met her, I would not recognize the Amanda from last February.

I hope to constantly make strides and to always be teachable but I cripple my ability to stand as a disciple of Christ when I don’t give myself the credit I am due. When I don’t believe in the Atonement and its ability to help me the rest of the way. It is hard to truly move forward when you perceive yourself on the same step forever, never allowing yourself to move onto the next one even when you are capable of doing so. I can take a remedial painting class all the times I want but where is the challenge and growth? Believing I haven’t finished with this step is not believing in my ability to handle what comes next, that I’m not strong enough. How convenient, to tell myself, “yes, the lord only gives me the challenges that I can handle but here’s just the limit of what I can handle because I haven’t moved on from this step yet.”

I just really liked Stephen E. Robinson’s book. For its small size, it was jam packed full of hope and love, not just for the Savior but for the self as well, realizing we are each of us worthy of this great gift and worthy of His love. It made me feel a boost of confidence, a sort of “buck up” attitude, and a less antagonistic view of my failures. It makes me eager for what’s next, it makes me proud to stand in His name.